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Jewish Journal

The Slow Death of the Real Housewives of Orange County

by Ilana Angel

June 17, 2014 | 9:39 am

Tonight's typos are brought to you by Jose Cuervo.

I keep watching, and blogging, but it is hard. These shows are no longer interesting and rather than reality TV, I feel like I am watching the Jerry Springer Show. It is a bunch of trashy people, talking trash, while selling their souls to the devil for fame and fortune. I just don’t get it. I think all the cities need to be recast, but I also think whoever goes on this show is an idiot, so if they recast I am simply watching a new set of idiots. So why watch at all? The Real Housewives of anywhere are over.

We start this week with Heather and Vicki getting together for a scripted cup of tea in a restaurant where they are the only two people. Whatever. They are talking crap about Tamra, which is shady. Vicki tells Heather she acts better than them and Heather asks if she has ever talked about her wealth and what she has. Really? It is all she talks about. Heather is an elitist and it is unattractive. She is a bad reality TV Jew. She is whining about Tamra and I am pouring my first margarita to get through.

Sidebar: Heather tweeted me last night trying to be cute with a little happy face, but when I asked her to do an interview with me here at jewishjournl.com, she went silent. She is not appealing, a bad representation of Jewish women, and apparently too scared to talk to me. She clearly is not interested in keeping it real because that is what I do here. She is lame but I am totally going to watch her busband's new show. Her loss, My interviews are fabulous.

Time for Lizzie to talk about pageants and being a mom. I am skipping over this entire thing. She is pretty, would be prettier with less makeup, but is of no interest to me. She is not interesting alone, but fun when she calls out the other ladies on their crap, so she should be in scenes with the others, not whining about how busy her life is. Over to Tamra, she is going to shoot Good Day LA with Heather and must be very nervous because she has forgotten to brush the back of her hair.

Heather is also getting ready to go to Good Day LA. The woman who never talks about what she has, points out they have two drivers. Heather is pretentious and it is gross. I tweeted I thought she was a snob and a follower of mine said she was similar to Gwenyth Paltrow and Goop, which made me laugh. The perfect comparison. Heather is not nearly as fabulous or intelligent as she thinks she is. Perhaps talking to her would change my mind, but she’s too fancy to chat with me.

Tamra is at the taping acting like a bitch. Heather is at the taping acting like a bigger bitch. The immaturity level of these women is fascinating. If other life forms are watching our planet they are embarrassed for us that we watch this. The good news is they want no part of anyone who watches this so we are safe. They will leave our sorry asses alone. The segment on Tamra’s Cut Fitness is horrible. I am embarrassed for Tamra and Heather. Perhaps hosting is not a great fit for fancy pants.

Tamra is bitching about Heather, and Heather is back peddling because she knows she was a bitch. These chicks are not friends. Jumping to Shannon, I can’t. Watching this marriage fall apart is uncomfortable. Shannon is painfully inappropriate, her husband is dying inside, and that she came on this show with her marriage already in trouble, with young daughters, makes me question her mental stability. This show was a horrible decision in terms of her kids and it is sad.

They are fighting in front of their daughter and I am mortified. When the daughter comments on her dad not being happy I check out. This couple is a mess and parenting skills are in question. I’m done and Shannon should be too. Time for dinner at Vicki’s, where she continues to think she is close with her kids, when they clearly love her, but are not that into her. Brianna is having another boy. Mazel Tov. This show is dying a slow and painful death. Why are we watching?

Shannon is getting tests done because she had chest pains. She is stressed and anxious, saying she fought with her husband and he emailed her to say he wanted her to move out. Why would she move out? He should go. It is painful. This poor woman is struggling and I feel for her, but to do this on the show, knowing her kids will see it, is more disgusting than sad. These people have lost their minds. I would never do this to my children. Not ever. Know it.

Heather and Tamra are having a drink. Heather doesn't think she's done anything wrong. She would have helped Tamra with the segment had she called her. Really? Heather invited her onto the show and she should have called. Heather’s pattern is to never take accountability for anything. She is the smart one, and an actress, and clearly doing the other ladies a favor by being their friend. Heather likes the sound of her own voice but does not listen to what she says. She is full of shit.

Tamra calls Heather out for lying and Heather denies it. Heather talks bout her “gig” and I am getting a twitch in my eye. Tamra is now fake crying. If there are no tears, IT IS NOT CRYING. Tamra is using a fake quiver in her voice, wiping ears that are not there, and makes references to Heather talking to Eddie weeks ago. For the love of God, move on. Tamra is talking crap for sympathy and I am not buying it. Tamra is playing for the camera and I simply do not believe her.

Heather says she is sorry with no emotion. She feels terrible but I don’t believe her either. Tamra turns off the tears in a blink of an eye. I call bullshit. Tamra tells Heather about Shannon’s email. Tamra is everything you don’t want in a friend. She can't be trusted. Time for more nothing from Lizzie. Whatever. Her husband looks like he needs a shower. Shannon confides in Tamra and I’m screaming at the TV for Shannon to not trust Tamra. That chick is incapable of keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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