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The Real Housewives of New York City Season Finale Menopause Cruise

by Ilana Angel

July 22, 2011 | 12:01 am

I love this show and even though this season was longer than the last one, it seems to have flown by, and it’s a drag that it’s over.  The good news is we have two reunion shows to look forward to, and if the clips are any indication of what’s in store, they are going to be better than the actual show.

We start with Countless in a meeting with her creepy music producer who is trying to explain to her that auto-tuning her song is actually called “mastering”.  He brings in one of his “friends” as a surprise, and it’s Natalie Cole.  I love that Ms. Cole is making a cameo.  Even legends like train wrecks.

Luann is clearly star struck, which is great.  I love her reaction and thought it was her most likeable moment.  She is misunderstood as condescending, when in the end she is simply a lady.  I’m guessing she will get married and have a baby.  Another Jewish guy gone!

Ramona is having a dinner party with Alex, Simon, Sonja, and her bisexual boy toy Brian.  Ramona and Mario and talking about having another baby and Ramona is telling us she is into it.  She is 55 years old and has poached eggs so I’m not sure what the hell she is talking about.

Avery says her mother could have a baby because she still has her period.  I don’t believe Ramona still has her period.  She is simply leaking from old age.  The whole conversation is gross and I’m wondering how Mario, after 20 years with Ramona, does not know her middle name.

Alex takes a call from LuAnn in the middle of the party.  Scripted.  Simon is horrible and when the camera follows Alex out of the room to take her call, he gives a classic, “stay by me Alex so we are both in the shot because we are a pair and I am as important as you” look.

Next up is Alex at a photo shoot for her new and fabulous modeling career. Her skin is almost as unattractive as her laugh.  She is talking about her fabulous life as a model and I have officially opened my first bottle of wine. Watching Alex drives me to drink.

Simon comes to pick her up, she is running late, and Simon is a douchelord. He is jealous of his wife.  He is so desperate to be famous that it’s distracting, and I think embarrassing for his wife.  If you don’t follow Simon on Twitter, you must.  He is hilarious and writes total garbage.

Cindy and Sonja are sitting through a scripted scene together and it’s lame.  They can’t stand each other so why does Bravo keep pushing this mess?  Cindy’s first words to Sonja are how she wants to say something in a nice way, then accuses her of having multiple personalities.

Sonja looks beautiful, but is clearly off her rocker.  It’s sad because I love her.  She is fabulous and watching her fall off the deep end is upsetting.  It’s a shame that in her moment of crisis. Sonja decided to lean on Ramona instead of Jill.  Jill could have helped, where Ramona is useless.

They are rehashing the toaster oven breakfast and I can’t listen.  I’m pouring another glass of wine.  Sonja is rambling and losing focus.  She is talking about how she prepared food with her own hands, not help.  The reason you did not have the help is because you have no help Sweetie.

Both are right, both are wrong, and both need to relax.  If I had to pick a side, I’m going with Sonja. Cindy screwed up at breakfast, but Sonja is unstable, and you can’t argue with unstable. Cindy needs to check her priorities, and Sonja needs some pot to help her chill.

Ramona goes over to Sonja’s to tell her she may be pregnant. She is 55 years old.  It’s not pregnancy, it’s her very tired eggs shriveling up and getting ready to drop. Sonja is certain Ramona is pregnant because her senile dog can sense it.  Her dog is smelling crazy.

We’re at the 1 year dating anniversary party for LuAnn and Jacques. Cute. Alex and Simon arrive and Simon is an ass.  How Alex handles him constantly embarrassing her is beyond me.  She says she does not believe in LuAnn but believes in love.  Alex is lame.

Alex is wearing the same outfit she wore in a picture with a blogger in Chicago, who insists she does not read my blog, yet constantly quotes me and my readers. Her basement website has been taken down so she started another one.  Only a matter of time before that one goes.

Kelly is hilarious, Cindy is harmless, Jill is her funny self, Sonja is a mess, Ramona is having a menopausal pregnancy, Alex is tweeting, and LuAnn is happy.  Ramona thinks it’s weird to go on a cruise around the Statue of Liberty for her party with Jacques when it’s connected to the Count.

Poor Ramona.  Could it bee that she chose a trip around Lady Liberty because Jacques is French, she was a gift from the French, and she is thanking them for all the great things they sent to America, including her boyfriend? Ramona makes more sense when she is hammered.

Ramona tells Mario, in the middle of the party, she may be preggers.  He’s surprised.  Not in an “Oh my God this is fabulous” way, but in a, “Are you kidding me?  Sonja will stop sleeping with me if you are knocked up because I told her we don’t have sex anymore!” kind of way.

I love Jill and for the finale she was back to the girl we fell in love with years ago. She was funny as hell, and her and Bobby are delicious. Mario goes over to Sonja to tell her it’s not possible Ramona is pregnant and it’s hilarious.  He has more sexual energy with Sonja than Ramona.

Ramona takes the pregnancy test on the boat.  Really?  This entire story line is lame.  Jill is cracking me up outside the bathroom wanting to know what is going on.  She runs to LuAnn to tell her but the Countless is having none of it.  This is her party and nobody is going to dump on it.

Quote of the night comes from Jill Zarin:  “Does Ramona actually think that she could be pregnant?  At this age, mid-fifties, when you miss your period, it’s not because you are pregnant, it’s because menopause in knocking at the door.  Knock, knock, knock”.  It was brilliant.

LuAnn introduces Natalie Cole.  Everyone is floored, except for Sonja, who tells us they are good friends, even though she has not seen her in three years.  Poor Sonja has not yet realized that everyone she knew when she was married to a Morgan left with Mr. Morgan.

Simon’s face while watching the duet is simply perfection.  He cannot hide his intense envy that it’s not him singing with Natalie.  He truly thinks he is a housewife.  Bless his heart.  I am willing to donate to a “help Simon become a woman so I can be cast next season” fund.

Natalie and LuAnn sing their the Countess is quite good.  She held her own with Ms. Cole and her face showed pure joy, which was sweet. They took a shot from behind Natalie, and LuAnn was rubbing her back.  I’m not sure why, but I thought it was a touching moment.

Alex and Simon are sitting by themselves talking crap.  Simon is a putz. I honestly think they should be kicked off the show.  They add nothing. Ramona is finally going to pee.  She will pee on the stick and an image of poached eggs will magically appear instead of a line.

I am relieved the season is over, but sad to see it go because it is my drug of choice.  I will meet you all back here for the reunion shows next week.  It’s been fun, and at the end of day even though Bravo and Sonja couldn’t do it, we managed to keep it real.

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