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Jewish Journal

The Real Housewives of New York Are My Heroin

by Ilana Angel

May 19, 2011 | 10:16 pm

You have to wonder if these chicks have any idea how horrible they look on television.  It’s entertaining for us to be sure, but at what point will they realize we are laughing at them?  They are a bunch of drunk and whorish mean girls, and who would have predicted that in the end Kelly, the mayor of Crazytown, would end up being the most likeable one?

The episode starts with Sonja and Countless having lunch.  LuAnn says her kids are with her ex and Sonja simply sys her daughter is away.  Her daughter is little so I image “away” means her dad finally got around to watching last season and in the best interest of his child, is not allowing her to spend as much time with her slutty mom.

Sonja says she came straight from the gym, and took a bath first.  Really?  My gym does not have baths so did she come from the gym or from home?  I’m not buying that she goes to the gym.  They are talking about where to go on holiday with the ladies and Italy comes up but Sonja is worried Italy will be too expensive.  A telling statement.

Sonja Morgan may have a nice home but I’m thinking she has no money and would not be surprised if she were “working”.  Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.  They decide they will go to Morocco, which LuAnn says is like going to Paris.  Really Countless?  I have been to both Morocco and Paris and it’s like night and day.  LuAnn is very pretty, and quite dumb.

Jill is in.  Ramona is in, even though the entire country does not respect women. Cindy is in which is weird because her kids are so little, but good for her.  Kelly is concerned and needs to think about it.  Alex is in.  It’s not bad enough that they are causing train wrecks all over New York City, they are now going to pollute Morocco with their crap.

LuAnn and Ramona are out for lunch and Countless starts up immediately.  She’s a hardcore bully.  She is badgering Ramona about her treatment of Jill, and Ramona looks like she is going through withdrawal.  I kept expecting her to pull a flask of pinot out of her purse and start chugging.  Countless is a loon and Ramona is a drunk.

Sidebar:  As I’m watching I keep checking my Twitter and Jill is out of control. She is tweeting live during the show and it’s quite sad.  She comments on everything, while trying to get people to sign up for her newsletter.  May be she is trying to be funny but it’s coming across as sad and pathetic, and there is nothing funny about it.

Sonja is crazy which is too bad because when she came on the show she was a breath of fresh air and my favorite.  She is now a dried up old hag who is slutty, whorish and skanky.  Shame.  She is so pretty and funny, but her desperate attempts to capture fame have made her ugly.  She is having a photo shoot for her toaster oven cookbook.

The interesting thing is that there is no book.  It’s an idea, not an actual book.  Kelly comes to check it out and I was surprised that I loved her.  Kelly is great this season.  I don’t quite understand her Catholic schoolgirl outfit in her 40’s, but she is entertaining.  She does not get the photo shoot and shares that it’s lame which is awesome.

Jill, Cindy, LuAnn and Kelly are off to a spa getaway.  Kelly tells the ladies she saw Sonja’s vagina and it’s hilarious.  She really is a prude and has never seen another woman’s vagina.  The other women are shocked by her and Kelly does not get why she would have seen one.  After all, she is not a gynecologist.  The gossiping starts and they trash Ramona.

Kelly shares with Countless that she was abused in her past relationships and it’s sad.  Weird that she would share it now, but whatever, still sad.  Good for her that she talked about it.  I like Kelly.  They finally arrive at the spa and the ladies are tired.  Cindy gives them all robes and Jill is cute, opening it and putting it on in the lobby.  She is adorable sometimes.

Countless Judgey McJudgerson is mortified by Jill’s behavior.  Whatever.  The girls are having spa treatments and it looks awesome.  They go to some drum circle thing that looks lame to me, but okay. Kelly is into it, Jill is mocking it, LuAnn is faking it, and Cindy is embracing it.  Back in the city Ramona is applying to be the new mayor of Crazytown.

Ramona, Alex, and Sonja are at her plastic surgeon seeing about getting work done.  Now that Alex is a model, she needs to take care of her skin.  Right.  Sonja is getting her stomach vacuumed and she says the Dr. told her to work out more, which she says she does not do, which proves that when she said she was coming from the gym, she lied.  Busted.

LuAnn is crazy. She tells the spa ladies that when she had lunch with Ramona, Ramona was complaining about having hot flashes.  When the ladies ask about it, she says she was just sweating.  Bitch.  Kelly tells them she is not coming to Morocco because she will not feel safe with Ramona.  I’m sure Bravo is making her go.  Come on, she’s going.

Jill is hosting a charity event to stop bullying in colleges.  Jill is a gossip and a baby and it’s so sad because I like her and it bugs the crap out of me that the bitchy, mean, drama girl, is the Jew.  She was so great in the beginning and now she is just mortifying.  She does not represent Jewish women in a good light and that’s too bad.

Ramona arrives and she brought her own wine and is chasing waiters around to get someone to open a bottle.  LuAnn arrives on fire and is immediately picking a fight with Ramona.  She is mean and nasty and it’s gross.  Poor Ramona.  Everyone is mean to her and on top of all that, her outfit is ridiculous for a women in her fifties to be wearing.

Ramona tells the camera that LuAnn can be a real B-I.  What the hell is that?  Did Ramona forget how to spell bitch?  Is she drunk? She looks like Kathy Lee Gifford.  This is a horrible group of ladies and by ladies of course I mean low class losers who made money and think that class comes along with it.  That’s not how it works girls.

Everyone is bitching about everyone else and Kelly announces that she is coming to Morocco.  Called it.  Jill is concerned that Ramona is a drunk.  Ramona goes to Kelly and tells her she wants alone time with her in Morocco.  Ramona is hammered, Kelly is patient, and Alex, the supermodel, is rather unfortunate looking.  Truly.  Not that cute.

The show ends with Ramona being insensitive, surprise, and Jill predicting that Morocco will not be good.  Bingo.  The sneak peek into the Morocco trip looks like it will be entertaining.  By entertaining of course I mean a train wreck.  The housewives are my heroin so I will be watching because I can’t stop, and my blog will do what the ladies cannot, keep it real.

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