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Real Housewives of New Jersey Arizona Recap

by Ilana Angel

September 8, 2013 | 6:47 pm

Tonight's typos are generously provided by a Grey Goose.

We are still in Arizona for Melissa’s birthday.  Why is it they drag the trips out so long? I am sick of Arizona already and while the horse whisperer was amazing, I am ready to go back to New Jersey. The problem with stretching it out is that we are starting this week already irritated. Everyone is together for a drink and Jac is blubbering about how great Teresa is acting and Caroline immediately wants a fight to start.  I have been liking Carline but in the end she is never happy with the calm and thrives on the drama. She is bored and wants a project, like making peace.

Caroline wants everyone to come clean with what is bothering them. Joe goes after Teresa saying she has been trying to hurt Melissa. Joe is going on about Penny trashing Melissa, Teresa denies having anything to do with anything, Joe loses it and yells, then we jump back to 12 hours earlier. It is morning and Joe wants to make out with Melissa.  The woman with a “perfect and sexy marriage” never wants anything to do with her husband. Buying that book! Teresa comes in and gives Melissa a pair of panties and it is weird. Teresa tries so hard but misses the mark.

Melissa wants to move on from the cheating rumors.  Really?  Of course she does.  She cheated.  Cut to Kathy, Rich and Rosie who are out for a walk. These people clearly don’t walk so the entire thing is stupid.  They need to script everything for then so why are they on the show at all? Rich is checked out, Rosie is trying to support Kathy, Kathy is insisting she needs no support, Rosie is crying about how lonely she is.  Over with Albert and Caroline, they are rehashing the horse therapy and honestly people I am bored.  They are recapping the show and that is my job. 

Over at the pool Rich is a moron and other guests are irritated.  The women are taking a tennis lesson.  Oy vey.  They go back and forth between the men who are drinking, and the women who are playing tennis. Joe cheers Juicy and they make peace.  The problem is what Joe is saying. Whenever Joe speaks it is as if he is saying exactly what Melissa tells him. He sounds exactly like his wife.  Caroline and Albert are on their own, pretending to enjoy each other’s company, and the jumping between the three scenes is a failed attempt at dramatic editing.

Caroline is taking it upon herself to be their therapist and is going to force an argument so there can be peace. Everyone meets up at a trust challenge where they will walk cables and rely on each other.  This should e good.  I am pouring a drink incase it isn’t. Joe volunteers to go first and Teresa says she will do it with him.  Everyone cheers them on. Teresa and Joe are cute but I am distracted by Melissa’s outfit. Really? She’s keeping it classy.  Rich and Kathy go next and he is useless and not funny. Everyone is taking a shot and the music is the best part of the scene.

Melissa says she will do it and Joe sends Teresa to do it with her.  They are trying while Joe conveniently gets a text from Penny saying it was Teresa who started the rumors about Melissa cheating.  I have interviewed Penny and she is lovely, but she is not looking good here. Why is Joe checking Twitter while his wife and sister make peace?  Oh Bravo. You are so transparent. By transparent of course I mean idiotic. Everyone is now getting ready for dinner.  Caroline is a doctor, Melissa is lying, and I am pouring drink number two and waiting for Danielle on WWHL.

Melissa says what Joe wants, which she knows because she also tells Joe what he wants.  Melissa is wearing an outfit from her stripper days and everyone is sitting down to dinner. Watching Rosie chew with her mouth open is grossing me out. Here come the dirty jokes. Joe gives Melissa a cake and her wish is for the tweeting about her cheating to stop.  Really?  She has three kids and that is her wish?  Okay. Melissa makes a toast/speech and leaves out Teresa.  What a bitch.  It was not nice and Caroline immediately calls her out to the camera, but not to Melissa.

Everyone is sitting around having drinks, marveling at them all being together.  Then Caroline jumps in and stirs the shit. She wants everyone’s heart to be clean and not simply have a band-aid on it.  She says she is willing to be a bad guy because she is not into the fakeness anymore. Good for her I guess.  I wonder if she gets paid more to be the bad guy? Joe jumps in and talks about the cheating to Teresa, pointing the finger at Penny. Teresa is defending herself and says Penny got info from Melissa’s friend Jan not her.  Teresa does not want to talk about it anymore.

Teresa denies, Melissa mocks, Joe is freaking out, and this is lame.  Juicy defends Teresa and Joe wants Teresa to shut Penny up. Teresa says she is not interested in giving Penny any power, Joe loses it and throws his drink, to which Melissa ushers him out and calls him an idiot.  Great wife. She then tells the camera Joe has a heart ten times bigger than his temper and she loves him for it.  Really?  She loves him but calls him an idiot and tells him he is embarrassing her on camera?  Melissa and Teresa may both be lying on some level, but Teresa is not malicious and Melissa is. 

Juicy hugs Joe, Teresa says she will go with Joe to deal with Penny, and Melissa is talking crap about how she is letting it go. Something is not kosher in Jersey.  They go Soprano and yell support of each other as Albert ends the episode with a heartfelt “get it done”. Next week we will be back in New Jersey and Melissa and Joe will meet with Penny, in what looks like a scene that does not include Teresa. I’m sure that was Melissa’s idea.  This week has some good moments and in the end Caroline pushing the issues allowed them all to start keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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