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Jewish Journal

The Real Housewives of New Jersey are Back!

by Ilana Angel

June 2, 2013 | 6:21 pm

I, like most reality fans, have been waiting for this show to come back.  We love these women with passion, and hate them with the same passion.  They are fascinating television and it is because they are family that is so compelling.  It has been a long time since we saw the show, but they are in the news, on Twitter, and bashing each other so much that this is really just catch up.  It’s like we are reading a book, read the last chapter first, and now get to go back and read the entire book.  God bless New Jersey!

We start with everyone looking at the damage of Hurricane Sandy.  Richie says he cannot believe this is happening in the United States. Really? Is Richie unaware we have weather in America? This guy and his wife are morons and watching them humiliate themselves is a highlight of blogging this show.  We are one minute in and Jac is fake crying.  Dear Lord. We are right back where we started. Kathy is watching how lives are forever broken and she is complaining about having no cell service.  I can’t take her and really wish they were not back.

Teresa has lost her beach house, sees a silver lining in work coming to the Jersey shore in the recovery, and tells us she and Juicy are fine.  She tells us she has not seen her brother in a year and that is sad.  Melissa and Joe have also lost their house.  Teresa says she is not to blame for their not speaking, and Joe says they are not speaking because Teresa does not care. We are barely even starting and already I blame Melissa for breaking this family apart and valuing fame over family. I’m on margarita #1.

The ladies have all recorded new tag lines.

Caroline: “Love me or hate me, I always speak the truth.” (Except when she’s lying.)

Melissa: ”Sexy life, loyal wife. Take a page from my book.” (What? She wants us to take pages from her book because she can’t read and does not need the book.)

Teresa: “Haters are going to hate, but I just love, love, love.”  (Haters are going to hate on her like they always do, but I just love, love, love her.)

Jac: “I’ve faced my share of challenges, but I’m tougher than I look.”  (Her challenges are mental and she looks like a gutter pig.)

Kathy: “If you can’t take the heat, get out of my kitchen.”  (I wish she would get off of my favorite reality show.)

Teresa and the girls are packing up clothes to donate to victims of Sandy. The girls have grown up and are all simply beautiful.  Teresa says the victims need beautiful and glamorous clothes.  I love her. She is so simply that I find it endearing.  Milania says she misses Joe and the kids and Teresa is not sure what to say.  She then comments that Milania is starting to forget her, which made no sense, but clearly she is upset about not talking to Joe. Everyone is trying to keep them apart which is unfortunate.

We jump to Jac and everything about her bothers me.  Her voice, her fake crying, her NFL neck, all of it.  Her children are beautiful and her husband is lovely, but she is annoying.  Chris makes a joke about Nicholas faking autism to not have to talk to his family, and I thought it was in poor taste.  Oy vey. Over to Melissa and Joe, her daughter is aching for her cousins and Melissa fake cries and reminds Joe that this is all Teresa’s fault.  Melissa is an idiot, Joe is listening to a fame whore, and it is disgusting to watch.

Melissa says Teresa manipulates her kids, but she does the same.  I am so over this woman and we are just getting started!  We jump to Kathy and her family.  Dear Lord.  Rosie and her mom are fabulous, but Kathy is invisible and her husband is offensive.  Rosie is still complaining about not having a girlfriend, and Kathy is still trying to be a spokesperson for the gay community. Teresa has been no movement, no growth, nothing with this family. Back to Teresa, Milania gets a letter from Antonia.  Just not cool.

Milania wants to write her back, and Teresa suggests she call her instead and invite her over.  Why?  Because she is a grown up, not playing the ridiculous mind games of Melissa. Gia is upset because she knows they were not invited to Antonia’s birthday party.  Joe tells Gia not to worry because it is not about the kids, just the adults.  I honestly think Teresa and Juicy are handling this right, while Melissa and Joe are not.  Be assholes to each other, but leave the kids out of it.  This part pisses me off.

Cut to Caroline who has rented an apartment with Albert for a year as a test to see if they want to downsize.  Lauren looks great, but before we can really understand what is happening, Joe and Melissa come by for a visit. Really?  I am fascinated by Caroline’s hair.  Couldn’t she fix it if she knew they were filming?  Melissa is going to Caroline for guidance on how to handle a play date with the kids.  It is just bullshit.  This is a nothing situation that is being blown up by Melissa and her desperate need for camera time.

In a moment of scripted reality, Melissa and Teresa both start texting each other and luckily they both have camera crews with them.  Caroline offers advice and Melissa says she does not want to talk about it there.  Really? She came over there and brought it up, now she does not want to talk about it?  Melissa is as dumb as she is pretty.  I feel bad for Joe.  Good for him for supporting his wife, but shame on him for allowing her to rip his family apart. Shame on Bravo for dragging us back into the darkness. I am on margarita #2.

Caroline is now visiting with Jac.  By visiting of course I mean telling her everything that happened with Melissa and Joe, but putting her own spin on it. Jac says listening to stories about all of them is as important as getting her ass bleached.  Classy.  Jac is a pig, Caroline is a busybody, and I am annoyed that we are right back in the middle of this mess.  Nothing has changed, nobody is being nice, and the kids are suffering.  Not cool. It would hev been nice to start us off with something loving instead of all the darkness.

Gia is out shopping with Teresa. Gia is 11 but acts much older.  She is beautiful but I think it is sad that she has grown up so fast.  I understand Teresa talks to Gia like she is a grown up, but she should also feel bad about it.  They are still texting about the play date like it is world peace, not a couple of kids hanging out.  The play date is on and Joe tells Melissa that Caroline invited him out for coffee.  Such drama.  I’m happy the little girls can hang out together and these two women better behave.

Caroline and Joe go for coffee and I don’t understand why Caroline is getting involved here.  I am bored.  We are flipping back and forth between Teresa and Melissa and I don’t  care because it is lame.  The kids want to play and make their own things, but Melissa is all over them and controlling the kids in order to not have to talk to Teresa.  Teresa is trying to have a conversation, but Melissa has her ego shoved so far up her ass she does not get it.  This is out of control.  These poor kids, and frankly, poor Teresa.

Caroline and Joe end their meeting with him in tears.  I freaking love Joe Gorga and am sad his wife is being so horrible.  Caroline offers to talk to Teresa and I am rolling my eyes.  We get a look into the season and I find myself screaming at the television. It looks like there are some good times and fun stuff coming, but they started off dark, which is too bad.  I love this show and while I tried to come to the new season with an open mind, my opinions are firmly in place, but I am still keeping it real.

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