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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Crapfest

by Ilana Angel

January 9, 2012 | 10:40 pm

What ever happened to Baby Jane?

It’s Monday night, which means I am sitting down with a bottle of wine because that is the only way I can get through this show.  I love it so much and really want to just relax and enjoy it, but the fact is Kyle and Taylor are sucking the joy out of this show and making me want to hit people.

We pick up in Hawaii where Kim and Ken have finally arrived to join the group.  They were apparently 36 hours late to the party and its clear to see why.  She is wasted, so is her boyfriend, and it’s all quite sad.  By sad of course I mean one bottle won’t be enough to get me though.

Adrienne and Paul are out for a hike and Adrienne tells the camera it’s been years since they held hands.  Not buying it.  They probably never held hands. I don’t get this couple.  They are boring to us so they must bore the crap out of each other.  I could not possibly care less about them.

Kim checks into the room next to Kyle who is eavesdropping on them while Mauricio hangs out without his shirt on.  Clearly Bravo realizes Kyle is not good television and is using her hot husband to create interest in a fame seeking mean girl.

Sidebar:  I think Kyle is desperate to be famous and realizes that this show may be her last chance.  She hung onto Paris for fame and when that didn’t work out, she decided selling her sister down the river would be the way to go.  I loved her in the beginning but now, not so much.

It’s time for a group birthday dinner and everyone heads out.  Lisa and Ken look fabulous and Brandi is once again giving me ass envy.  Who has a bum like that for real?  Bitch.  They all go to dinner, with only Kim and Ken running late.  Dinner promises to be a train wreck.

Kim and Ken turn up and not 5 seconds after her arrival, Kyle starts pushing her sister and causing trouble.  Then Mauricio joins in and they are rude. We all know Kim is taking drugs so I do not understand the need to embarrass her by Kyle and Mauricio.

It’s mean, not classy, and a bucket full of crap.  Everyone is uncomfortable and it’s stupid.  Kyle calls bulls&^* which is such a nice way for a hostess to behave.  Kim is ignoring her, which I love, and you can actually see Kyle’s mind racing to figure out a way steal the spotlight.

It reminds me of a made for TV movie where two sisters are best friends, then one gets a boyfriend and the other sister sleeps with him to prove she is better than her sister.  Did you follow that?  Kyle is the sister who sleeps with Kim’s boyfriend just to prove she is better.

Dinner is served and rather than enjoy the food and scenery, Kyle blurts out that Taylor called and said she was getting divorced.  Kyle is gross and Kim was quite funny saying Taylor left him so she would get invited to the next dinner.  I laughed out loud at that actually.

Kyle and Lisa claim to be Taylor’s friend yet when everyone trashes her by saying she is fake and will be with Russell again, they don’t say a thing. Don’t write me that this was editing either.  Kyle is a backstabber and that cannot be altered in editing no mater how hard you try.

Paul decides to give a toast and rather than congratulate the birthday boy, he toasts his wife then they exchange an awkward kiss that is nauseating. Adrienne could not be less attracted to him and that he enjoys it is weird. Brandi speculates they are animals in the sack.  Nope.

Everyone is finally enjoying the dinner and Kyle is bitching to Lisa about Kim. It’s just strange.  She cannot seem to stand it when things are going well and I don’t get it.  I understand there is a history between them, but Kyle is simply not as innocent as she’d like us to believe.

Mauricio makes a toast to telling the truth which is lame.  Kim wants to just enjoy the night, but Kyle is pushing for a fight in front of everyone. Mauricio and Kyle are ganging up on Kim and it’s embarrassing.  I felt very bad for Kim and wish Kyle could have been kind.

They are all going out on a boat trip and Kim and Ken are a no show.  Lisa and Kyle go to get them and while Lisa is rather entertaining, Kyle is ridiculous.  Kim is clearly not well and for them to put her in the position to have her pain filmed is as unethical as showing Russell.

Sidebar:  Who wears full make up, chunky jewelry and high heeled shoes on a snorkeling trip on a catamaran?  Give the Beverly Hills pretentiousness a break ladies.  We’re not only not buying it, we think you look like fools.  It’s a boat, heels are stupid, but we are not.

Kyle decides that after going to get Kim, she will leave without her.  They get in the boat and just as Kim and Ken arrive, they have left the dock and Kim and Ken don’t get to go.  This show needs new writers and more Brandi and Camille, because the Richards sisters suck.

Kim and Ken are out for lunch and appear to be speaking Methanese, or Crackbrew, or some other language I don’t speak.  I’d make fun of them but it’s simply too sad.  Back on the boat Kyle has forgotten about her sister, is having a blast, and everyone is coveting Brandi’s body.

Back in LA, Taylor goes to Dana’s house for lunch.  She tells the camera that the “majority” of her friends are in Hawaii. Really?  These fake friends from a TV show are her friends?  Dana is wearing no makeup and looks gorgeous, while Taylor is made up and looks like crap.

Taylor fake cries, and says she has really tried.  Tried to what?  Embarrass her husband and push him so far over the edge that leaving his three kids seems like a better option than dealing with the aftermath of her lies?  I just want to make sure we all understand.

It’s time for a final dinner and I have to say Adrienne’s dress is over the top.  GET A STYLIST.  Kyle’s dress is too big or too small and she keeps fiddling with it and flipping her hair and I want to rip her dress off and give her a robe so she can be comfortable.

Kim is talking to Adrienne and Paul when Ken approaches, is clearly paranoid, and ruins the only nice moment for Kim with any of the other women.  They go to dinner and Kim is once again trying to have a nice time and Kyle is a complete and total bitch.  I am so over it.

Kyle needs to stop picking her teeth with her tongue, flipping her hair, and wearing coral lipstick.  None of it is a good look for her.  Kyle is trying to once again suck the joy out of everything for Kim and attacks her again in front of everyone. Ken and Kim don’t get it why she won’t stop.

Kim and Ken are clearly wasted, but they are not so out of it that they cannot see they are under attack. Kim says Kyle drives while talking on a cell one, and Kyle screams something about a child molester. Then Kyle says she has not hung out with Kim in 12 years.  Really?

Kyle is now digging her own hole, and in an attempt to hurt her sister, it would appear Kim has been high but honest, while Kyle has been not high, buy lying.  I hope Kim is getting help and I hope Kyle realizes we see her, we get it, and we think she sucks.

Kim and Ken leave the dinner and Kyle goes on and on and on about how bad Kim is, and starts with her fake crying.  She wipes away invisible tears and I think it’s funny.  By funny of course I mean the best thing Kim can do for herself is get help and stay away from her very jealous sister.

In addition to ruing this show for me, Kyle also ruined her husband’s birthday. Next week will be a two bottle episode and I may need to get a Xanax from Brandi. I love this show but Dear Lord enough already.  When is Bravo going to start keeping it real?

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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