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The Real Housewives of Atlanta in Sin City

by Ilana Angel

March 11, 2013 | 7:59 am

NeNe is done with the ladies in Los Angeles so they are heading to Las Vegas.  Nene is sending them on a bus, a nice bus, but still a bus.  She is flying to meet them.   NeNe says she is going first class but the truth is the flight is about 45 minutes and unless she flew private, first class does not apply.  Funny though that Nene wants to make it sound all special.

The girls are packing up and we see Cynthia’s real hair.  Interesting. I know there are wigs and weaves on this show, but I thought her real hair looked beautiful.  Kenya is pissed off about Phaedra being a bitch while Kandi is talking to Todd and could care less about anything.  By care less of course I mean she starts drama, but she is not stirring at the moment,

Kenya is growing on me.  Much like a fungus, she is spreading and gaining strength.  While I think she is completely crazy, the chicks are pushing her off the ledge.  She may not be as cray cray as we all thought.  Poor girl.  I like her.  Important to note I reserve the right to change my mind at any given moment, for no apparent reason, but right now I like her.

Phaedra is a bitch.  She can tell us she is a southern belle until the cows come home, but she is not.  She is a mean, bitter, bitch.  For real.  Also, her boobs bug me.  She has those little peanuts pushed up to within an inch of their lives.  I don’t know how she manages but she should just get a boob job and take the pressure off.  Literally.  They have no circulation.

Kenya is trying to make the bus ride fun but it is lame.  They do impersonations of each other and it is not funny.  Kandi is bored, Cynthia is dumb, Kenya is passive aggressive, Phaedra is a bitch, and Porsha is scared. These women on a bus is enough to make me drink.  Actually, I started drinking long before they got on the bus, so it could get messy.

Cynthia wants to go to The Crazy Horse and plays dumb about not knowing it is a strip club.  Phaedra makes up words as she tells us nudity is biblical. Kenya is killing herself to make the painfully long ride fun, and Kandi is a pig as she talks about sex and bowel movements.  They stop for gas and even though we are only ten minutes in, I’m about done already.

NeNe arrives in Vegas and they are staying at Planet Hollywood.  Really?  Is that the only place that would comp Bravo?  Nene is escorted up by a hotel rep and 2 security guards.  So lame.  Meanwhile back on the bus, Porsha gets pickles and ice cream as a snack but does not want to talk about possibly being pregnant.  Porsha truly is a dumb girl.  Bless her.

Phaedra says the easiest way to find out if you are pregnant is to give your pee to a rabbit.  If it dies, you are pregnant.  That is the easiest way? Kenya translates giving a rabbit pee to actually peeing on a rabbit and I am peeing myself.  It could be the wine, but these girls are insane.  Dumb is funny and so I am laughing my ass off.  The ladies hook up with NeNe.

Everyone is dolled up and heading out for a night on the town.  Nene is refreshed and rested, while the others are dragging their asses out after a full day on the bus.  They are off to see strippers and Porsha is not going. She thinks it will upset her boss, I mean husband, so she is not going.  It’s very odd.  She got dressed up drop them off at the club?  Yup.

Strip clubs make Porsha sad so she is out.  Cynthia is wearing the most fabulous wig, and everyone is judging Porsha.  Here’s the thing, strip clubs are not my thing.  Why not go see men strip?  Phaedra is drooling over the beautifully manicured vag, while Kandi and Kenya look like they might want to take a dip in the lady pond.  NeNe is reliving her time as a stripper.

I love NeNe and to hear her talk about her stripping days with pride is really something. She may not have been proud to do it then, but it has contributed to who she is now and I love that.  NeNe is preaching the truth while everyone dumps all over Porsha and her subservient life with her husband.  I think it is s a choice for Porsha not a prison sentence.

Sidebar:  Bravo shows us a commercial for the new show “Married to Medicine”.  It is about another group of women in Atlanta, only they are all doctors or married to doctors.  Please God, let them be a huge hit so the housewives of Atlanta are cancelled.  These chicks have run their course and it is time for them to go away.  Give NeNe a show and lose the rest.

Come morning, Cynthia is dressed like a hooker that just got off work, and Porsha is getting her make up done while she talks to her boss.  I mean husband.  Cynthia is stirring up trouble and Phaedra wants us to know she is the perfect woman.  If she says “child” one more time I will scream.  Cynthia is gossiping and Nene is not buying it.  She thinks Porsha is controlled.

They are off to play showgirl and NeNe tells Porsha they are all concerned for her.  Porsha tells them she is a Christian and strip clubs are against her faith.  Really?  I know a lot of God fearing Christian girls who strip to support their families.  Porsha is an idiot.  Don’t pull the faith card moron. Porsha is out of her league and these women will eat her alive.

Porsha says she is proud of her boss for “letting” her go on the trip. Kenya mocks the “letting” and Porsha lets us know that if Kenya let a man take care of her, maybe she’d have a man.  Phaedra lets us know not everyone can be a doctor or a lawyer and it is dummies that make the world go around.  Phaedra is a lawyer and a complete dummy.  Bless her.

NeNe is trying to empower Porsha and she would have been more successful had she done it one-on-one, not in the group of losers.  It is driving me nuts that Kandi’s hair keeps changing during her interviews.  Bravo makes me angry.  They are still all talking about Porsha, she is understandably upset, and I am bored.  I feel like this episode is three hours long.

Kandi is looking at engagement rings and Kenya wants to kill herself. Perfection.  Poor Kenya.  Surely she can find a nice man.  Anyone? Anyone? Cynthia is riding a bull and we see that Bravo is squeezing out another episode of Vanderpump Rules.  Really?  This is the dumbest show on television and it needs to die already.  I’m so over those losers.

Kandi is having a sex toy party and I am roiling my eyes.  She is whoring out her business and it is so stupid.  Who cares?  Nobody is interested and you have to wonder when Bravo will learn that they are scraping the bottom of the barrel with these chicks.  No Nene, no show, and even Nene can’t make these girls interesting enough to fill an hour a week.

Kandi gives Porsha a pregnancy test but she is not interested.  She will share the moment with her husband on camera, not with the ladies on camera. They are trying to eat strawberries in a sexy way and I am mortified for them. Their kids will see this, but that does not seem to limit thee women.  The strawberry scene is just too much. Phaedra brings up Walter.

Kenya is minding her business and Phaedra brings up Walter only to hurt her. Kenya is not a happy girl.  Phaedra says it is always drama with Kenya, unwilling to take any of the responsibility for the drama.  They are playing a secret question game and Kenya makes it all about her and Phaedra.  Kenya wants to know why Phaedra is so mean to her all the time.

Commercials for Don’t Be Tardy make me want to kill myself.  Phaedra and Kenya are going at it. I’m on Kenya’s side in this fight.  Kenya tells Phaedra she cut her to the white meat.  What?   Phaedra asks Kenya if she wants an apology and Kenya says no.  Was the point not to get an apology?   I watch this show because I’m addicted, not because they are keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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