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The Painfully Predictable Celebrity Apprentice

by Ilana Angel

May 5, 2012 | 12:41 pm

Dayana Mendoza

This show has become so painful to watch it is has taken me almost a week to blog about it.  I watched it on Sunday with all of you, and sat down a half dozen times to write about it, and just couldn’t do it.  I feel like every week is the same show.  The players are predicable, Trump is predictable, that I will need a minimum of three drinks to get through it, is predicable.

We start with Aubrey giving her charity a check for $50K.  She makes it all about her not the charity, which I think is gross.  The funny thing is when the employee from GLISTEN comes in to get the money, she puts out her hand to shake with Aubrey, and Aubrey goes in for the hug.  Not sure why I thought this was funny, but that she was not into the hug, was entertaining.

Dayana is project manager of Clay and Lisa.  Arsenio is leader of Teresa and Aubrey.  They need to write a jingle for an RV company.  As the teams are leaving to start the task, Trump reminds us Aubrey is a Playboy model not a singer, and wishes Dayana luck, which means she will be the one to go home this week.  It’s so predictable I need to drink.

Dayana does not know what a jingle is, and assumes it has to do with Christmas.  Clay is explaining to Dayana that the melody should come before the lyrics, and Lisa agrees as if she is a music mogul.  Dayana is so sweet, so pretty, and so dumb.  Lisa is so mean, so ugly, and so rude.  Clay is resentful he is not team leader as he is the only one with the ability to win this one.

Arsenio and Aubrey are fighting while poor Teresa is stuck in the car with the lunatics.  Aubrey suggests Arsenio tap dances, which puts him over the edge.  She tells the camera Arsenio is a girl who wears cheerleading outfits at home.  Aubrey O’Day is an ugly human being.  Her voice, hair, makeup, and injected lips make me want to punch something.  Like a face. Hers.

The executive comes to meet with Arsenio’s team and Aubrey takes over and manipulates Arsenio to do what she wanted to do from the beginning.  She’s good.  A complete bitch, but good.  Meanwhile Clay and Lisa are in sync about their song, and Dayana is simply not getting it.  She also has a chip on her shoulder.  It’s justified I suppose, but getting old already.

Arsenio has decided the best way for his team to win is to kiss Aubrey’s ass so she doesn’t get pissed off.  Good call.  Over with Clay, he and Lisa hate Dayana and let the camera know she is useless, not needed, and slowing them down.  It’s add because she is very sweet, but making a complete fool out of herself because she is a fish out of water and has no clue.

Don Jr. goes to check on the teams and for some reason takes Aubrey off alone to talk to her.  She throws Arsenio under the bus and it’s gross. Almost as gross as her flirting with all the Trumps, and their seeming to like it. Arsenio thinks kissing her ass and taking control, but she is eating him alive, then spitting him out all over the floor and stepping on him.

Don then goes to see Clay’s team and all hell breaks loose.  Dayana says Clay and Lisa are not respecting her, and Lisa starts screaming and crying.  Again.  She storms off in a rage having told Don Jr. Dayana is a moron.  It’s entertaining I suppose, but we see it coming so it’s really just silly. Dayana tries to talk to Lisa and she tells her to F off. Lisa is a hot mess.

Lisa is being a child, telling Dayana that unless she says she’s sorry, she is not interested in talking to her.  Dayana is talking smack about Lisa, which is true, but makes her look like as much of a baby as Lisa.  Dayana is on the verge of tears, and Lisa vows to bury her in the boardroom.  They set it all up for us, which is a drag.  Dayana is getting fried. Predictable.

Arsenio is sweet and I like him so it’s sad to watch him talk about how great Aubrey is being on the task, when she is crapping all over him to the camera. He must be watching this at home and wishing he had smacked her.  Or perhaps regretting that he allowed her crotch to rest on his neck.  I bet he’s not thinking she is too cute right now.  Poor guy is being humiliated.

Aubrey flashes her Spanx again, and takes over the whole show.  Arsenio is pissed she has taken over, but is not willing to acknowledge she had to because he was not doing his job.  Clay finally loses it on Dayana and starts screaming at her.  Then turns to Lisa for back up.  Dayana needs to get fired so this show can get interesting again. She is wrecking it.

The teams present their jingles.  I happen to think that both of them were horrible.  I had never heard of the company “Good Sam’s”, and based on these two jingles I will forget them by the time the show is over.  It’s a drag for these companies that they spend time and money to be on this show and then get nothing out of it.  Blah, blah, blah.  So boring.

We are now in the boardroom.  Lisa and Dayana are going at it and it’s quite funny.  Dayana is calm and ladylike while Lisa is unraveling.  Lisa cries and is simply out of control.  She is talking again about how successful she is, and how she has risen to the top in a man’s world.  It’s a broken record of the Lisa Show.  Fire Dayana already. I can’t drink anymore!

Aubrey gets into the drama and it’s not even her team.  Ivanka is talking about how it may be a failure of leadership on Dayana’s part, and Aubrey jumps right in and says she can lead anyone and that is why she is so great.  Lisa is going off and I must tell you, I’m actually liking her right now.  “This is not Celebrity Ms. Universe.”  It’s freaking awesome.

Dayana says Lisa cries too much, which pisses me off too.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with crying.  Lisa and Dayana are battling and everyone else is laughing.  Clay is turning red and holding in his laughter, which is brilliant.  Trump turns to Clay for some insight and Clay says that while he may not have said it the same way, he agrees with Lisa.

Clay is trying to be sweet and does a good job I guess.  He can be bitchy, but he is mellowing out, coming into his own, owning his talent, and kicking some ass.  As predicted, based on the predictability of this train wreck, Arsenio’s team wins and we will now watch Lisa and Dayana fight a little bit more before she finally has her gorgeous ass sent home.

Dayana, who bitched Lisa out for crying so much, starts to quiver and you know a cry is right there waiting to come out.  Awesome.  I hope she starts bawling.  Clay says he does not respect Dayana.  Trump tells her she is fabulous then fires her and Clay tries to look sad but it’s not cutting it.  Lisa hugs her goodbye and says she is a good person.  Really?

Lisa attempting to be nice to Dayana was stupid and I expected more from her.  Dayana’s parting words are that the players should not be evil, dishonest, or fake. Beautiful, but dumb.  Next week two are eliminated and I predict Teresa and Arsenio will be out.  By next week, of course I mean tomorrow.  I will try to blog in a more timely fashion. Waiting a week is not keeping it real!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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