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The Painful Real Housewives of Orange County

by Ilana Angel

April 27, 2013 | 9:19 pm

When I blogged the season opener of the OC ladies, I predicted I would be sick of them by episode three.  Turns out one was enough.  I’ve been watching, but from the comfort of a drunken stupor.  They are painful. Painful to look at, painful to listen to, painful to blog about.  That said, there are things I must get off my chest, so I am going to blog the last three episodes in lightening speed so we're up to date.  

Alexis is friends with Vickie because everyone hates her, and Vicki is her only shot in hell of getting camera time.  Vicki is a grandma and Brianna, along with her husband and baby, are living with her. Gretchen is worried Vicki and Tamra will be friends again and then she will lose Tamra.  None of the friendships make any sense.  They are not real, obviously scripted, and each one uses the other to get more scenes.

Vicki has had some work done and let me just say, I can see no difference. She looks exactly the same to me.  Vicki and Brooks have fake broken up because everyone hates him.  She is still talking to him, still banging him, and still unaware of the fact that he is using her.  Poor girl.  Eddie leaves because Tamra is his boss and sends him to a meeting.  That relationship is based on sex for her and fame for him.  Don’t get it.

These women are crass, immature, mean to their partners, and mean to each other.   Tamra walks out in a sea of fake tears with Heather following her. Heather sets up a chat for Tamra and Vicki and I am now drinking. Heather is using all kinds of clichés but is mixing and matching so she sounds like an idiot.  Well intending, but still an idiot.  Heather humiliates her husband outside before they move the party into the house.

Alexis is at a dance lesson with Jim and I am grossed out.  Nobody will shoot with her, and they are desperate for money, so she has to shoot with her super odd husband in order to keep a paycheck.  They are creepy, I think their sex is probably totally kinky, and there is nothing of interest about either one of them.  They are also quick to jump to talk of sex, which makes me wonder, what would Jesus think about these two?

They are having a spread of Costco yumminess and Tamra points out it is from Costco, Terry repeats what Tamra says, and Heather is embarrassed as if nobody in America did not know it was from Costco.  To properly put her husband in place, she pinches him.  It clearly hurts, and I wonder how long this marriage will last in reality television hell.  She is horrible to him. Tamra and Vicki go off to have a chat "in private", with only cameras allowed.

Gretchen says she wants Vicki and Tamra to make up, which is a total lie. She then says Vicki puts on a “song and pony dance”, and I am laughing at how incredibly stupid these chicks are. They really are dumb.  With Tamra off with Vicki, Gretchen calls Slade to gossip about it all.  Slade is a pig, and these women don’t look that great when the cameras get up close.  Great bodies, but bad skin, and age inappropriate fashion choices.

Alexis and Jim are opening a trampoline park.  I’ve been to one and it is fabulous, but I don’t care enough about them to watch this scene so I am skipping over it.  I did watch enough of it to hear Alexis share that her husband had a year of feeling like a loser, but is better now.  Sidebar: Alexis does not know how to jump, or talk, which is hilarious to watch. Her husband is still a bit of a loser, and likes to wear women’s shoes.

Slade has a new job as a radio host.  Does anyone listen to him?  He trashes Vicki on the radio and I am skipping over him too. Slade is garbage. For real. They are getting married however, so bless them. She should wear a black dress.  Vicki is remodeling her entire house.  It looked ugly before so lets hope she has a new decorator.  Brianna is quite bitchy and I think it is sad she is making Vicki chose her over love, even though it is not love.

Brianna and her husband like to complain, and have a lot of opinions about a house that is not theirs.  Brianna sounds like a spoiled and entitled brat who is not appreciative of what Vicki gives to them.  Vicki is cute with the baby and being a grandma suits her.  Cut to Tamra, Eddie is telling her that Vicki is a troll and they should not be friends.  Eddie is on his way out so who cares about his opinion?  Or ever did?

Alexis comes to visit Vicki in a dress that could have used some Spanx.  Vicki admits it is weird that Alexis is visiting and not Tamra. Translation: she needs to be friends with Alexis because nobody else wants to be friends with either of them.  I wonder if Vicki gets bonus money for shooting with Alexis? She should.  Vicki wants us to know she is putting her daughter before Brooks.  Well at least for the camera crew she is.

Heather is now being mean to Terry at his office.  Nice change. A magazine wants to shoot their house.  Translation: We are going to use a fake photo op to introduce the new housewife, and by the way, you were never going to be in the magazine, let alone on the cover.  Gretchen and Tamra are out shopping for a baby present for Vicki’s grandson Troy.  This entire scene is scripted and giving me a headache so I am skipping over it.

Not before I comment on the fact that Gretchen is planning to have a baby with Slade. The man cannot take care of the children he has, so that she wants to have a baby with him is almost as disgusting as the thought of her having sex with him.  My eyes, my eyes!!!  We are now forced to watch Brianna be mean to her mother about her bad choices in men.  This is getting old.  She hates Brooks, she will take the baby away, we get it.

We finally meet Lydia, the new housewife.  Dear Lord she is annoying right out the gate, yet seems ballsy, which I love.  She seems like a teenager and I am not digging her.  Could change, but no.   She reminds me of Denise Richards, but with odd teeth.  Lydia is harmless and as soon as Heather learns she is friends with Alexis, she throws Alexis and her fake ring under the bus.  Heather is not a nice girl. Shame she’s the Jewish one.

Tamra is at her new studio and Eddie is advising her to not be friends with Vicki again, so you know there will be drama.  Vicki arrives, in her car, from across the street, to see the new space. Sidebar:  Vicki needs to either brush her hair, or cut it.  Not cute. They went from hating each other to hanging out, which is stupid.  Vicki tells her to have a party to show the space, and they also agree to have dinner together.  Ugh.

Lydia has an annoying laugh, does the chicken dance, and blows on her lemon drop before drinking the ice cold beverage.  Bless her.  She will be interesting.  Maybe.  Not really.  Vicki and Tamra are out for dinner.  Really? I simply cannot sit through this dinner of fake apologies, fake crying, and insisting each one was more hurt than the other.  Instead I am going to pour myself a glass of wine.  By glass of course I mean it is my third.

It is Yom Kippur and Heather has finished her lobster and is ready for temple.  She spends her time telling her husband what he should atone for, not thinking that perhaps her belittling him might be something to put on her list.  They go to temple with their kids, one of which is a terror, and I wonder if they actually filmed on Yom Kippur.  There is nobody in temple and this is a ticket only High Holiday, so something is not right.

Tamra meets with a party planner to set up her studio show and tell.  There is nothing in it so I don’t get it, but whatever.  Her left boob appears to be broken.  It is such a sad looking thing that I feel bad for her. Well, sad for her boob.  Cut to Jim and Alexis.  Jim is gardening and the way she talks about him, and how he acts, makes me think he had a nervous breakdown and is medicated.  They never should have brought this couple back.

Vicki wants to bring Alexis to Tamra’s party.  Translation:  Bravo is making Vicki take her to Tamra’s party and paid for the party so Tamra would allow it. Alexis arrives to Vicki’s and she is wearing a shear top with a pink bra, instead of a black one, with shorts and heels. She looks like a hooker, which makes sense because it is trashy for her to think on any level it is okay for her to go to Tamra’s dinner.  This woman needs to go.

Heather is doing a radio show and reminds us her “career” involved a lot of radio.  She’s so pretentious.  Alexis is talking to Lydia about Heather and Lydia shares that Heather outed her fake ring.  This show is ridiculous. They hate each other and spend all their time one upping each other, or knocking each other down.  I’m also pissed off that Lydia is pretending she does not know who anyone other than Alexis is.

When these new chicks say they don’t watch the shows they are lying. Heather and Terry are going out with Lydia and Doug for dinner.  Heather is still thinking she has a shot in hell of her house being on the cover.  It was all scripted for the new chick Heather.   Cut to Gretchen who is dropping Slade to the airport as his son has another brain surgery.  The boy is so sick, yet Gretchen makes it about her. Slade is a loser.

It is time for Tamra’s party of hate.  She is regretting allowing Alexis to come, and Gretchen is causing problems before Alexis even arrives, by pushing her agenda with Tamra.  The agenda being not allowing Tamra and Vicki to be friends.  Alexis congratulates Tamra and gives her a bottle of wine. She then gets delusional and thinks Tamra gave her a tour, when really she gave Lydia a tour and Alexis tagged along.  Such a loser.

Everyone is talking under their breath and clearly not pleased with each other.  It is stupid. Cut to Vicki talking about her grandson by saying she has a baby, and Gretchen jumping all over her for saying it is her baby. Gretchen is a moron, and a whore, and nothing but trouble.  She really is a mean and nasty woman, as is every single person on this show.  Lydia may not be, but she’s new so give her a minute. She’ll get there.

Vicki congratulates Tamra and tells her it is a new start, but Tamra wants to know why Alexis bothered to come. They are all ganging up on Alexis, and the poor girl is trying to handle it nicely, but it goes to hell quickly.  It’s not bullying really, but it is mean, hurtful, and immature.  Alexis should never have gone, and as it becomes apparent to all, she is kicked out by Tamra. Tamra lets Vicki know she can get out too.  Just awful.

That these women are unaware of how they are humiliating themselves and their children proves that they are in fact really dumb.  I simply cannot blog about them anymore.  It truly is painful.  They are a wretched bunch that hates each other, so they cannot be surprised that we hate all for them too. They are not entertaining, not interesting, and not worthy of our time.  The OC needs a new cast if Bravo wants us to stick with them. Just keeping it real.

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