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Jewish Journal

The Lying Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

by Ilana Angel

February 17, 2014 | 7:19 pm

Oy vey. This show is exhausting to watch and difficult to blog.  There are no authentic friendships here. Not one. Even the sisters are fake as fake can be. There is no loyalty, no honesty, and no way Bravo can make us believe these people care about each other in any way other than camera time. It is fake, scripted, forced and laughable. We are watching though, so we have nobody to blame but ourselves. This show is crack.

We start with Carlton who is getting candles and has invited Yolanda to join her. These women are not friends, but there is respect there that I find to be quite lovely. Cut to Kyle, she is meeting with Joyce and they are talking about the whole Star of David/anti-Semitic comment. I hate when they go back and forth between two conversations. Ugh. Joyce is sympathetic to Kyle because you know, Kyle is dealing with a witch.

Kyle speaks about weird occurrences with her computer, convinced that Carlton has something to do with it. Carlton is talking about candles having special powers, and it is quite funny. This show is lame and Carlton has no power over Kyle’s computer. Dear Lord. Yolanda is buying into the candle worship, and Kyle and Joyce agree to invite everyone on the Puerto Rico trip, except for Carlton. Classic mean girl move by Kyle. 

Jumping to Brandi, she is with Kim for a scripted visit. Gigi is having her going away party and Kim is not going as her daughter is moving into her first apartment. Brandi says she is scared of Lisa. According to Brandi, Lisa had Cedric deported. Even if true, why say it? This is not going to end well. You cannot try to push the Queen off her throne and not have repercussions. These girls are playing with fire.

Kim and Brandi are getting spray tanned and Brandi is naked with her boobs blurred out. I am envious of her confidence but a little uncomfortable her son’s friends can now see her essentially naked. To be clear, if I had her body I would want to walk around naked all the time so I should just keep quiet on this topic. We head over to Yolanda who is at Mohammed’s preparing for the graduation/going away party.

Mohammed is cooking and I find him to be quite charming. I am usually a little creeped out by him but he is quite lovely today. Who knew? It is a beautiful party, and quite personal, so I’m not sure why the hell the other housewives were there, but whatever. Gigi arrives with her friends and she is beautiful. A very sweet girl so bravo to her parents for raising her to be so lovely in a world of such incredible privilege. It is impressive.

Brandi is on her way to the party and has some kind of swollen tongue situation. Weird. Brandi tells the camera she has learned Lisa knew exactly who Scheana was even though she told Brandi she had no clue. She is stressed out and unable to deal with Lisa. I have long thought it odd that Lisa is so chummy with Scheana knowing how much pain she caused Brandi. It is mean of Lisa and I wouldn’t be friends with her.

Yolanda agrees is it not cool for Lisa to be such good friends with Scheana. Carlton arrives out of respect to Yolanda, but will not fake it with Kyle. Really? They hate each other but still kiss hello. So stupid. Why bother with the bullshit? Ignore each other for real. Lisa arrives and it is weird with Brandi. So high school. Brandi is keeping quiet and trying to avoid Lisa but they are at a party together and their behavior is childish.

Brandi is ignoring Lisa, Carlton is ignoring Kyle, everyone is kissing on the cheeks, and I am thankful I am still taking cough syrup with codeine to take the edge off. Time to sit for dinner and Carlton refuses to sit next to Kyle. It is so funny. Kyle makes another witch joke and it is lame. David Foster is bragging about how cool he is, Giggy is the best part of this show, and it is time for Gigi to give a thank you/good bye speech.

I cried when Gigi spoke so beautifully. My son leaves this year and I just can’t. This is an amazing moment and I am touched by it. Everyone is crying and it is beyond sappy and wonderful. Lisa tries to talk with Brandi but Brandi is clearly not into it and the entire scene is awkward. Brandi came with a girlfriend but the girlfriend is nowhere to be seen. Carlton announces she needs to leave and will never like Kyle. 

Yolanda takes Brandi to the side and asks her why Carlton was not invited to Puerto Rico. Brandi explains what went down at the last dinner. Kyle comes to Brandi and tells her she has a ring that goes with the necklace she gave Carlton. Carlton does not understand why Kyle would not give it to her directly, then Carlton will not accept it. Lisa tries to make it dramatic and it looks shady. That said, who cares?

Yolanda tells Lisa to back off and not cause drama at her daughter’s party. It would appear the ladies are trying to tarnish the Queen’s crown and Lisa is target of a few daggers. Brandi gives the ring back to Kyle and mentions Lisa said it was not a matching set. Brandi is stirring trouble but pointing the finger at Lisa for stirring trouble. Kyle calls out Lisa for saying the ring did not match and Lisa is surprised. Ugh.

Lisa downplays what she said and points the finger at Brandi. These women are silly. Everyone is blaming everyone and it is ridiculous. Lisa calls out Brandi for what she said, and Brandi calls out Lisa for lying. It is exhausting and boring. Kyle mentions to Lisa that Joyce did not come because her dad died. Brandi and Yolanda wonder if the trip is canceled. No mention of reaching out to Joyce, just talk of the trip being cancelled.

Lisa is at Kyle’s store shopping and says Joyce wants to keep the trip on. Kyle and Lisa start to talk about all the stuff going on and Kyle wants to tell Lisa her issues, but Lisa wants to sweep it under the rug. These women are not friends and the backstabbing and game playing is not interesting. Lisa is bored, Kyle is pushing for an apology, and I’m not sure I can hang on much longer. Next week I’ll go back to wine to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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