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The Fabulous Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

by Ilana Angel

November 11, 2013 | 6:38 pm

We start off this week in Malibu with Yolanda. Her house is perfection, she is fabulous, and I wish someone would tell her that her that she would be so much prettier if she darkened her hair a little bit.  I’ll do it. Yolanda you are a wonderful and beautiful woman, but your hair color is just a tad too white.

Yolanda is not feeling well due to Lymes Disease and on a cleanse to help rid her body of toxins.  Bless her.  Over to Lisa, she is off to Dancing With The Stars. We know how that turned out. Jumping to Carlton, we see her house fand it is lovely, a bit on the goth side, and we see her children who are beautiful.  Her husband gets home and they work out.

By work out of course I mean the entire family, including the kids, work out. Her husband is in sports management and their nanny, although I’m sure a nice girl, is an interesting choice.  Carlton swears in front of her kids, which I also do. She doesn't censor herself and her kids don't swear, so anyone who has an issue with it can F off.  By F off of course I mean fuck off.

Back at Yolanda’s house, she is on the way to the hospital with her husband David. She is having surgery done and her doctor meets her at check-in, which is lovely. His plastic surgery is not so lovely. To hear her speak of her illness, husband, and children is touching and I send her prayers for health.  I am not clear on what Lymes Disease is but will find out.

Cut to Brandi, she is moving into her new house and has her mom there to help her. Her mom is cute and clearly aware of who her daughter is. Brandi says the best thing about being rich is she can help her parents and it is sweet. She has a falling out with her Dad, who thinks she needs to be more conservative and was offended by her dress for the Oscars. Bless him.

I wasn’t offended by her dress, but I did think it was hideous. Back at the hospital Yolanda is having a port taken out of her chest. I think she is brave to share this on the show and I find myself wanting to hug her, although she does not seem like much of a hugger. Her daughter calls and says she ate an almond.  For the love of God, Yolanda needs to give her kid a sandwich.

Cut to Dancing With the Stars, Lisa is competing and Brandi, Kim and Kyle are there to support her.  Well, Kim and Brandi are there to support her and Kyle is there to fake support and get on TV. They go out to eat after the show and Taylor is there. I don’t trust Taylor and think she is money hungry fame whore who contributed to the death of her husband.

Lisa, Ken and her dance partner Gleb join in. Yummy, yummy, ding dong.  Kyle’s dress is not pretty and I wonder how it is she has a store for fashion when she appears to have no taste in clothes or accessories. Whatever. Cut to Bravo doing two conversations at the same time, in two different locations.  I know it is an attempt at drama but is just annoying and lame.

At Kyle’s house she is having the new girls over. Joyce is lovely, Carlton is intimidating, and Kyle is looking for more camera time. Some chick named Sharon joins in. Whatever. Joyce is gorgeous. Carlton is telling a story and in the middle of her talking, Kyle says she is leaving and heads to get wine. Kyle is a bitch and there is no other way to say it. Complete and total bitch.

At Lisa’s house, Brandi is over with Yolanda. The lunches are going on at the same time and I wish the new chicks were at Lisa’s not Kyle’s. Lisa and the girls are talking about Kyle and the fact she is a liar and has no friends. Lisa is being bitchy which is interesting. The lunch at Kyle’s is drastically different from Lisa’s. It’s like The Four Seasons and McDonalds.

Carlton met her husband during a fight with another chick. Love it. Joyce meets her husband on a blind date. Joyce is going on and on, and Carlton is bored. I freaking love me some Carlton. A bee comes by and Kyle directs her friend to kill it and Carlton is mortified. We are going to have issues with his new group and I imagine it will all revolve around Kyle, like always.

Over to Kim, she is home with her dog Kingsley and the dog trainer has come over. This dog is dangerous and I would not go near him. He attacks the dog trainer and it frightens Kim.  Why does she have this dog? She needs a more manageable dog. We meet Kim’s son Chad, and neither one of them can get the dog to sit. I think that dog is going to hurt someone. Know it.

Kim acknowledges her sobriety and we are reminded she is fragile and understand how much the dog means to her. He is going to hurt her, but she loves him. She cries when speaking of her struggles and it is endearing. You cannot watch this show and not love this woman.  I love her as much as I don’t love her sister. Which is a lot.  I hope she continues to do well.

Lisa is with Ken and they are opening a new bar. A gay bar called “Pump”. I’d rather watch a  show about Pump with gay fabulousness than SUR skanks. Cut to Kim who is visiting Kyle. They are going to watch Lisa on DWTS and I wonder why Kyle wears such high heals to walk around her house. Idiot. They are watching the episode where Lisa faints and again, Kyle is a bitch.

Kim is shocked, Kyle is laughing, and I want to smack her. Kim says Lisa was faking, and Kyle says she fainted on purpose to get off the show. These Richards bitches are out of control.  It is going to be a great season and I am hooked. Kyle is going to tease Lisa and I can’t wait. I hope Lisa punches her for all of us. I am digging it and will keep on keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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