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Jewish Journal

The Boring Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

by Ilana Angel

December 2, 2013 | 7:09 pm

We begin this week in Malibu with Yolanda who has her brother and mother visiting as her husband is getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. She really is cute and when her family arrives and they speak in Dutch, joking around with each other, it is lovely. She came from humble beginnings and tells us her father passed when she was 7 and she was determined to take care of her family. It is sweet to see Yolanda with her brother and Mom.

Over to Brandi, she has moved into her new home and is dealing with her two little dogs pooping and peeing on the floor. Sugar and Chica are adorable and when she scolds Chica I was laughing my ass off. She caved quickly and it was really cute. Brandi calls her Mom and tells her she is coming to Sacramento for her Dad’s birthday, but tells us she and her Dad are “on a break” as they are not agreeing with each other at the moment.

Cut to Kyle, even her dog washing clothes are weird. Mauricio comes home and they talk about the rumors of his cheating, on camera, and it is insane. She gets pissed off if anyone even thinks it in her presence, yet she is talking about it. Mauricio thinks Lisa and Brandi are talking crap because they don’t like Kyle. Or, just maybe, they are talking about it because he is cheating and everyone knows it? Who knows and really, who cares?

Jumping to Lisa, she is talking to Ken about the gossip with Kyle as the camera jumps back and forth from Lisa to Kyle. Ken says that he does not think Mauricio has cheated but Lisa disagrees and is a little bitchy about it. In fact, Lisa is a bitchy about a few things and there are some skeletons in her closet that are rearing their ugly heads. I’ll write about those tomorrow in a separate blog, but it would appear she may be a bit shady.

Important to note that when Kyle and Mauricio finish their chat, she kisses him and gets lipstick on his face. She says sorry, he says it is okay because he likes lipstick, “especially hers”. Is it just me or is that hilarious? Of all the chicks he kisses, Kyle’s lipstick is his favorite? I think he is cheating, it is sad, I don’t particularly care, and to quote the divine Mr. Shakespeare, when it comes to Kyle, “the lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

We pick up with Carlton who has taken her cat Midnight to the vet for acupuncture as he fell 18 feet off a railing. I like this chick. The cat does not appear to like acupuncture, but it seems to works, so bless him and her. Seriously, this woman is good TV. Speaking of not good TV, we are back with Kyle who is with Joyce, making lame sexual innuendo jokes, and secretly fantasizing about cutting Joyce’s hair while she is sleeping.

Joyce is going to take all the girls to Palm Springs. Dear Lord. Kyle is talking smack about Lisa and desperately trying to make Joyce like her more. It is disgusting but no surprise since Kyle is disgusting. I think Kyle is inherently mean and not to be trusted. She is immature, selfish, and a little bit dumb. Bless Her. That said, my opinion is based on what I see on the show and I do not know her in real life, but there is nothing real with Kyle.

We finally get to Kim who is out shopping for a graduation dress with her daughter Kimberly.  Poor Kim is shooting with kids and dogs. Ugh. Back to Kyle, she is also with her daughters talking about dog poop. Ick. We are jumping back and forth between the shopping and the poop and I am bored. Sidebar: Kyle is not wearing makeup in the kitchen with her kids and she has never looked prettier. Shame about the lipstick though.

Kyle and Kim let us know that neither one of them are educated. Did they actually need to clarify this for us? Not really. Bless them. Lisa and Ken are having dinner with Pandora and Jason. It’s lovely, but incredibly pretentious. Jason is interviewing for jobs in NYC. That’s going to go over well. Everyone is doing a lot of stuff with their kids, which is lovely and sweet. Kim says she is ready for her daughter to leave but she isn’t. Who ever is?

Time for Yolanda’s husband David Foster to get his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It’s all very fancy, lovely, and deserved. It is also odd that Mohammed is there. I don’t get it. Brandi, Lisa, and Carlton are there, and we are supposed to think Kim’s daughter’s graduation is the same day, but I’m not sure I believe it. Foster is a namedropper, which he is allowed, but it is also a little gross. We know he is famous and bought a star. Got it.

At graduation Kim is crying and my heart breaks for her. It is a stressful thing to have your kids grow up. Sidebar: I am so over Kyle talking about her acting career as if it was on the same level as Kim’s. Kyle acted a little bit and Kim was a child star. Kyle just cannot let Kim have anything to herself and it is unappealing. I’m not a fan. The Hollywood thing ends and it occurs to me it was not that interesting of an episode for the second week.

We end the show with a fake bikini shopping trip for Lisa and Brandi. Brandi’s body is sick and Lisa can’t walk in heals without looking like something is shoved up her ass.  It is decided that Joyce is a troublemaker, and Brandi says she made out with Carlton. Oy. Brandi and Carlton are a fun pair and it looks like next week we might finally get some good TV. I love this show but it has been slow moving, which is boring, and not keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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