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The Bachelorette Scratches her Head and Picks her Teeth Across America

by Ilana Angel

July 19, 2011 | 9:17 am

The end is near!  We are almost done with Ashley the Bachelorette and I for one am really excited.  I predict that whomever she is with, is not who she will marry, and that after the final rose, she will cry and scratch herself out of our minds, and we’ll quickly be done with her. Hooray!

We are in Philadelphia with Ashley and she is going on and on about nothing. She walks into her fake apartment and goes to sit on a stool. She lifts one leg to get on and she almost falls off the other side because her bowlegs are so severe, one leg up allows her to straddle the chair and lose balance.  Funny.

She is recapping how she met the final four and it’s nauseating. If I were the guy she picked, and I’m sitting at home watching, I’m pissed off.  I’m also wondering about her unfortunate legs, constant head scratching, why she picks her teeth with her tongue, and talks wit her mouth full.

When we met Ashley was she not from Maine?  She is off to meet the guy’s families, and I’m drinking tequila tonight.  Wine is just not going to cut it and as my Twitter pal Kate let me know, there is not enough wine in Napa to get through this week.

We start in Georgia with Constantine.  Ashley is making weird faces and for the love of God why is she trying to flatten out her bangs in the wind? They go to his restaurant and I already know she will gross me out before we get there.  He is proud of his work, and family, and it’s very sweet.

They are making a pizza and her hair is falling into the food, she is fake laughing, and as the waitresses gather in the window to watch them, I can’t help but wonder how many he has bedded.  They are cute girls, and he’s the handsome boss, so come on.  It’s happened.

Constantine’s family hangs a sign and balloons welcoming him home.  His sister is beautiful, and his parents are sweet, but clearly not feeling her.  They don’t get it that love can be found like this.  They want it all to slow down and they will squash it.  Family trumps Ms. Itchyhead.

They surprise Constantine with the whole family coming over.  It’s a scene out of My Big Fat Greek Wedding and I don’t see Ashley in this family. The grandmother sitting on the couch clapping was the best part.  I love that woman, and I love that Constantine’s dad calls her Ass-ley.

We’re off to see Ames in Pennsylvania. I think he is odd, magnificent, smart and charming, but sadly he loves her.  Her legs are out of control.  It’s appears that she is now walking on the sides of her feet because they can actually no long lay flat on the ground.

Ame’s family wants so much for him to be happy, but they see that this is just not going to happen for him.  His sister knows her brother is going to get crushed and she is trying hard to talk Ashley into him, but it’s a waste of time.  He is lovely and smart, and Ashley is too dumb to get it.

Ame’s sister tells him everything Ashley told her, then tells him to get his romance on so she can see he has that in him.  He loves her and it’s too bad. They are on a picnic and he is so smart, but she believes they think the same.  How can she manage to survive when she is so dumb?

Off to Sonoma to meet Ben.  His family has the best shot of liking her because there is wine everywhere. They go to his winery for a picnic and Ashley says she wished her mom was there because she would love it.  Ben says she can come visit “for the holidays”. Which was funny.

I’m not sure why it cracked me up, but it did. He said she should come, then remembered it was a mother-in-law, and quickly limited it to the holidays.  I loved it.  I like Ben.  Much more than I like his twin brother Constantine. Ben tells her if his family does not like her, she’s out.

Ben’s sister Julia looks just like Kat von D without the tattoos.  Ben is really great.  He is telling his mom he is sorry for not being a better son when his dad died.  He tells us about his father, and is crying, and I am officially in love with Ben, and sincerely hope that he is not the one she picks.

We’re in Long Island with JP.  He’s such a girl.  I love him, and am happy there is a token Jew in the final four, but he’s a bit of a whiner and immediately tells Ashley he did not sleep the night before.  Yuck.  He is taking her roller-skating and the fake laughing is getting on my nerves.

JP is talking about his broken heart again.  I always pull for the Jew on a reality television show to rock, so people can see that we do rock, but then the Jew is always creepy, Big Brother, or lame, Amazing Race.  I like JP but in the end the Jew is a bit of a pussy, which is a shame.

JP’s mom has the best reaction of all the moms in seeing her baby.  She makes lasagna for dinner, which is a drag.  I wish it had been a brisket.  JP is sitting alone with his mom and then it happens.  JP picks his teeth with his tongue.  It’s over.  Ashley has the man of her dreams in JP.

JP’s mom breaks out his Bar Mitzvah picture, which is awesome.  They were Jewish enough to have a Bar Mitzvah, but not enough to care he might marry a non-Jewish girl? I predict she picks him and they have a great 3 weeks together before they announce they are breaking up.

Sidebar:  JP’s family is talking a lot about his broken heart and I want to know what happened.  They make it all sound so dramatic.  We’ve all suffered a broken heart but this seems a little more than just a break up.  If anyone has the scoop on what exactly happened, share the dirt.

They are back at the house so Harrison can work for two minutes and get paid.  The car comes up, the door opens, Chris puts out his hand to help her out, and she shakes it.  She is so dumb.  Ashley is wearing an insane amount of hair extensions and the recapping is a bore.

Important to note that tequila makes this show a lot better.  I love me some wine to be sure, but the edges are just a little smoother with the hard stuff. It is clearly a magic potion because after a couple of shots, her laugh did not make me want to carve “shut up” on my arm with a steak knife.

At the rose ceremony Ames is sent home and his facial expression is very sad and he truly was surprised to be let go.  He truly appeared to be confused and I felt bad for him.  He’s a little weird, in the best possible way, and his parting words to her, and in the car, are classy.

Next week we are going to Fiji.  There will be three dates with the overnight card, then her family will come and crap will hit the fan. Someone comes back to see her and if it’s Bentley I am going to choke on my own vomit and not be able to blog the finale, which will be a drag.

It’s hard to believe there are only two weeks to go.  By hard to believe of course I mean it’s hard to believe I have not broken my television or seriously harmed myself while watching this crap fest.  Next week will be nauseating, but I will be back, watching, laughing, and keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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