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Jewish Journal

The Bachelorette Nightmare Ends

by Ilana Angel

July 23, 2012 | 9:04 pm

I love this show and no matter how hard I try to not get sucked in, I always do.  This was, according to the insanely ridiculous Chris Harrison, the most dramatic, surprising and emotional season ever.  The thing is, it’s never that dramatic, surprising or emotional.  Harrison starts off the “most anticipated television event of the summer” by annoying me with his hand gestures.

The finale was a total of three hours but if you take out all the boring stuff, it’s about 30 minutes.  Emily is sweet and pretty but she is used to a certain lifestyle and she is going to pick Jef, even though he is a woman, because he has the money.  Nothing wrong with that, but let’s call a spade a spade. Money comes first and love will follow if you love the money.

Jef is meeting Emily’s family and tells us he loves her more than he has ever loved any girl and I think it’s hilarious.  It’s probably the first girl he’s loved. He is so feminine and scripted by Harlequin that I love him too.  I would not love on him, but I still love him and his woman’s mind.  He says what every chick imagines a man would say, but have yet to find a man who does.

Emily’s mother is lovely but not dressed age appropriate.  She asks Jef about his ability to be a good father and I am rolling my eyes.  He has never met this little girl but is certain he can be a great dad to her?  The choices of a single mother are very complicated when dating, but I draw the line at this being a cool way to meet someone when you have a young child.

It cracks me up that the whole family thinks Emily and Jef have found love.  They saw what happened with Brad and yet think this is going to be it? This show does not work.  By does not work of course I mean Emily is going to marry Jef and enjoy a life of riches happily ever after.  By riches of course I mean Rich the ranch hand on the massive home Jef owns.

Arie comes to meet the family next and the poor guy does not stand a chance and has no clue.  He is awkward, struggling to find things to say, and so he lies.  He says he came into the experience knowing nothing about it. Really?  He totally knew all about the show having dating one of the producers.  Everyone who comes on this show knows about it.

Important to note that Emily’s mother talks too slowly and it’s getting on my nerves.  Her brother looks like Glen Campbell, and her father does not seem to care about any of it.  None of them are particularly supportive, or excited for Emily.  They almost seem embarrassed by the experience and I almost feel bad for Emily.  By almost of course I mean I don’t.

Arie throws Jef under the bus and says a single dude has no idea what it means to date a woman with a child.  Hello?  He is single and just because he dated a chick with kids does not mean he knows what he is talking about. Does he have a relationship with the kids he was involved with?  That would be the real test of how he did and they don’t share that with us.

Sidebar:  Why are Jef and Arie walking home from the visit with her parents?  Do we really need to watch them stroll down the street?  Sean would have been waving and blowing kisses, but they both walk away without a look back or a wave which is dumb.  We are less than an hour into the 3 hour extravaganza and I am getting frustrated so a drink is being poured.

Emily is talking to her family and they are offering no help.  She is unsure if she wants to introduce either of them to Ricki which is odd.  How do you go on this show and get engaged without introducing the men to Ricki? She should have thought about her kid before she was filmed making out with so many men.  It’s a little lame to be worried about it now.

Important to note that Emily cries a lot and has mastered the sniffing part, but has yet to produce a tear.  If you are really crying, are there not tears? Is there a doctor in the house?  Dear Lord, are Emily’s tear ducts broken? Poor girl.  I guess when you are blessed with looks like that there is bound to be one thing wrong with you.  Bless Emily and her lack of tear ducts.

Jef and Emily are on the beach talking and he guilts her, like a total chick, into meeting Ricki.  It’s crazy good.  He says all the things a woman would say were she talking to a single dad.  I am now clapping and giving Jef a standing ovation.  Well played Madam.  He got the coveted introduction to Ricki so game over.  She is going to pick Jef and Arie will be dumped.

The live audience is weird and Harrison asking them questions seems silly. Who cares?  I’m not digging the live format and hope they don’t do it again. Emily is confused and summons Harrison to her place to talk about it all.  She adds a syllable to the end of her words and it is not cute.  She is talking herself out of Arie and it’s not interesting.  I’m bored.

She tells Harrison she is choosing Jef and wants to send Arie home without the final date.  She is fake crying while Harrison talks slowly with dramatic pauses.  He is channeling Captain Kirk and I am in love with Jose Cuervo. Dear Emily, wiping away fake tears makes you look like an idiot.  You don’t need to cry to feel bad sweetie so don’t fake it and let it go.

Emily goes to meet Arie and it feels dirty.  I don’t even want to watch because it’s so uncomfortable.  She is avoiding kissing him, which is weird because that is all they do.  He is appropriately blindsided and pissed off when she dumps him.  He cries and there are actual tears, which is a nice touch.  Arie has never looked more handsome as when he cried.

She is going on and on and he is pissed.  He asks her if there is anything else. He is in shock and I feel so bad for him I want to wipe away his tears, rub his back and snuggle him close to ease the pain.  By snuggle of course I mean totally make out with him. He gets up to leave while she is sobbing uncontrollably in a total soap opera way.

Arie was a player and I never saw her picking him.  He is out with his friends every night and is not ready for what she wants.  By not ready of course I mean not rich enough.  They hug and the mike hits his heartbeat and it’s quite cool.  He slams the car door when he gets in and she is bawling with still not a tear in sight.  Arie is going to be the next Bachelor.

Sidebar:  Arie will be a horrible Bachelor.  He is not ready for marriage so we will invest in a season where we go in knowing there will be no wedding at the end.  Oh how I miss the days of Trista and Ryan.  We were all not jaded and happy then.  Love was grand and fame was not the prize.  The only thing left is to watch Jef propose and watch Emily tell her yes.

We are back in the live audience and Harrison is talking to Ashley who is still annoying.  He talks to people who were apparently on the show in the past but who remembers?  I drink so much during this show I have no idea who these people are.  Seriously, does anyone know who he is talking to?  Why oh why do we watch this show?  It must be for the booze.

We watch a montage of Jef and Emily’s experience, then Jef goes to get an engagement ring.  He keeps talking and it’s too much.  He is wearing a blue suit, black tie, and brown shoes.  I don’t get it.  She is wearing a dress from the Vanna White collection and I’m not getting it.  She tells him she loves him, Arie is already gone, only he met Ricki and it’s a wrap.

Jef proposes and she says yes.  They play lame music while they show us their blossoming love and I might be sick.  Could be the booze, but probably not.  I hope these two young ladies live happily ever after.  Not sure I can stomach the after the final rose show so I will end my blog here.  I hope Arie is not the next Bachelor because that is not keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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