Jewish Journal

The Bachelorette in Prague

by Ilana Angel

June 29, 2012 | 8:33 pm

Emily and the remaining men are in Prague this week. I think of all the seasons of both the Bachelor and Bachelorette, the locations Emily has been to are my favorite.  I have loved everywhere they have gone.  Prague is beautiful and within the first minute of the show the view is ruined by Emily going on and on about how she has the best group of men left.  Really?  Does she remember who she has with her?

Chris Harrison starts the show by explaining to the men, who have all been watching the show for years, how it is going to work.  It is annoying as hell to me that he is there at all.  He could Skype this job in and have the same lasting impact on how we view the show.  Maybe if he did not gallivant around the world with a bunch of young people, he would be home with his wife and kids, not getting a divorce.  Just a thought.

Jef is saying he is falling in love with her and I don’t get it.  He is a little too feminine for her and his appeal is lost on me.  Sean is very sweet, but he looks so much like her the kissing is gross.  Chris is creepy and idiotic, Arie is sleazy, Doug is about to crash and burn, and John never really had a shot with her. Arie gets the first one-on-one date and so we’re off.

Emily is telling the camera about a secret that Arie has.  Cut to Harrison and he is telling us that a producer on the show, Cassie, had a relationship with Arie years ago.  It’s all dirty if you ask me and I don’t believe any of it.  Why would they devote so much time to the subject if it didn’t matter?  Why would they show Cassie talking about it but not Arie?

The camera shows a conversation with Emily and Cassie talking about Arie, and Cassie is saying it did not matter, was 10 years ago, and she never told Emily because she wanted her to give Arie a fair shot.  I think it’s a crock of crap.  Someone should have told Emily on the show because many knew.  Cassie is not risking her job for Arie.

This is a deeper mess than what they are saying and I’m not buying it.  Emily drops some F bombs and it cracks her nice girl image.  I bet she went off the rails with her language when she was dumping Brad.  She is saying she would not have cared if she knew from the beginning that Cassie had banged Arie, but we know she would have because we would have.

There are rumors all over the Internet about Arie and his relationship with Cassie, but I’m not reading them because I don’t care.  What I do care about is that the producers of this show are being shady.  We watch and believe in love, even though we know it’s a scripted hot mess, but when they let us see their antics it bursts the bubble a little bit.

Emily goes on to Cassie about how pissed off she is, then out of nowhere Arie is telling her he is sorry, she is acting like it’s no big deal and was a misunderstanding, and I want to scream.  She is now making out with him, in front of his ex-girlfriend, and it’s gross.  She has known them all for five minutes and she should throw Arie back and move on.

Back at the hotel the date card comes and John gets the next one-on-one.  There is just no way that is happening so I can pass over his date for sure.  Arie is professing his love to Emily and instead of getting caught up in the moment, I am wondering what Cassie is thinking as she stands behind the camera.  Emily believes Arie loves her, which is disappointing.

How is it that she was just saying she couldn’t trust him, yet now she thinks it could be love and she feels confident in the process?  This show is lame.  By lame of course I mean I love it.  Emily is beautiful and sweet and I love her, but she clearly has no idea what she is doing, is being ruled by the physical, and needs a reality check.  Quickly.

It’s John’s big date and it’s sad.  He is sweet, excited to have a shot with her, and seems to be oblivious that this is never going to happen for him. Back at the hotel the remaining men are cackling like chicks about their connection and it’s too funny.  Do men really sit around and talk like this? They do when it’s scripted for them I guess.

John’s date is romantic but void of any romance.  He has alone time with Emily and he is telling her about how he was cheated on by his last girlfriend. I am dying because he is telling her he could not find her for three days because she was sleeping with someone else. Emily says she is in shock and would have called hospitals to see where she was.

John then says what will go down in history as one of the best reality television lines ever.  He says that when she was missing for three days he called prisons to see if she was there.  Prisons?  I would call the morgue before I called prison but bless him for dating the type of girl who might be locked up.  John is going home so her kissing him is gross.

The group date is Sean, Doug and Chris.  Jef is getting the last one-on-one and Chris is pissed off.  John is telling the men he had the perfect date and he is certain he is getting a hometown date.  Sean decides he must see Emily for alone time so he leaves the hotel and runs through the deserted streets of Prague shouting her name.  It is so fake it is pathetic.

If the streets of Prague are deserted it is because it is 3 in the morning, that he finds her walking alone in an alley makes me spit out my wine win laughter, and that they talk and make out as if there is not a crew filming them is reality heaven.  Why are we watching when we know it is all fake? Sean lets us know he wants to marry her.  Blah, blah, blah.

Sidebar:  It annoys me to no end when the bachelor or bachelorette talk as if they themselves have planned out the dates.  Why not just say “they” have planned something special and not talk as if they sat around and told the show what they wanted to do and where they wanted to go?  This show is obviously scripted and they need to just own up to it.

Emily takes Doug off for some alone time and it’s a drag that he could not get it together because he seems really great to me.  Emily is on the slutty mom tour and Doug moves too slowly for her.  She wants to make out with everyone but his loveliness is not appealing to her.  He is stumbling, feeling uncomfortable, and I think he is perfect.

Emily is blowing him off, telling him he is too slow, and he goes in for the kiss.  It is mortifying.  She says thank you for the weird kiss, then sends him home.  Poor guy responds to her break up by asking if he did anything wrong. He tells her he feels dumb for kissing her, gives her an awkward hug, says, “have a good one”, and takes off.  It’s horrible.

Doug is sweet and I would dig him being the next bachelor.  It won’t happen, but it should.  Listening to his goodbye in the car, with his crying, makes me want to kiss him.  I love this guy.  Emily rejoins Sean and Chris and Chris is creeping me out.  He is week of chin and week of character.  Sean gets alone time with Emily while Chris goes off to sulk.

Chris is off with Emily and he tells her he is going crazy watching her go out with other men, but tells the camera if he does not get a rose he is going to freak out, and not in a good way.  He is crazy, not at all attractive, and a child.  That she is kissing him is repulsive, and that he is still here is shady, but watching his reaction to not getting a rose is perfect.

Chris is not well in head, which it fun, but kills the show because there is simply no way she is interested in him.  I’m not buying it.  She says he is cute, but also young, and she is not picking him.  He is now telling the guys their date was great.  He forgets we saw it.  I must move on though because Emily is now out with her sexually unsure best friend Jef.

They buy marionettes and Jef runs back in dramatic fashion to get one for Ricki.  So insanely lame.  She is not picking him.  He is too little, too feminine, and too unsure of his sexuality.  They go into a library in Prague and it is amazing. Prague is gorgeous and they are smelling it up with their crap.  They reenact their love affair and I am peeing myself.

It is the funniest thing ever.  It’s totally what I would do with my sexually unsure best friend.  Jef, or rather his puppet, tells Emily that he loves her and they kiss.  The puppets I mean.  The puppet tells Emily that he is completely in love with her and it is the dumbest thing this dumb show has ever done.  They make out and it’s uncomfortable to watch.

To be clear, I like Jef, just don’t get him with her.  He is telling her about meeting his family and says that his parents won’t be at home to meet her because they are busy for a few years.  Really?  What does that mean?  Are they in prison?  Do they know John’s girlfriend who hangs out in prison?  It was a weird excuse for his parents not being there.

Jef says his family is really, really private and now I’m intrigued.  There is something going on there and I’m dying to know what it is.  They are laying down on the floor, talking about the future, and it’s sweet.  In an,“I love my gay best friend and if we are not both married by the time we are 30 we will marry each other”, kind of way.  Poor Jef will soon be out.

Important to note that Emily’s boots on this date are ugly.  Additionally, when Emily tells Jef she likes him, and he says really, and she reassures him, and he says “promise?” I am certain the end of the world is near.  I must also say that when the men drive up to the estate in the antique cars there is a total Nazi’s coming to dinner vibe that is awful.

Emily tells Harrison she has her mind made up and does not want to do a cocktail party, but rather just jump to the rose ceremony.  Meanwhile Chris is having a nervous breakdown, crying and being a baby.  It’s perfect. Harrison tells the men there will be no cocktails and Chris is going off the rails.  He will be humiliated when he watches.

In the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, Arie, Sean and Jef all have roses and it’s down to Chris and John.  Before she can call out John, Chris says he must talk to her.  He cries, tells her be behaved like a child, and took the time with her for granted, he is sorry, he wants to be the man in her life, and he hopes she will not send him home.  Disgusting.

Surprise, surprise, surprise.  John is out and Chris gets the hometown date. I’m so over it.  We are nearing the end kids and I will rejoice when it’s done. I will watch the finale, as I always do, in my wedding dress, with some booze, and cake.  I will laugh and cry and jump up and down when she finds love as I read my US Weekly cover story about how she is now alone.

This show is beyond predictable and I don’t care.  It plays the violin in my romantic heart and I watch with amazement, disgust, wonderment and joy.  I don’t know who she will pick and frankly don’t care.  She will not stay with whomever it is.  This show is perfection if by perfection you mean reality television garbage.  I will be back for the hometown dates.  I’m curious about them all and hope there is an embarrassing dad in the mix to keep it real.


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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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