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The Bachelorette Double Recap

by Ilana Angel

June 3, 2013 | 11:03 pm

It is that time of year again where you can spend two hours a week crawling out of your own skin while you try to cut out your own eyeballs with dull scissors.  Yes people, the Bachelorette is back, and she is as annoying as ever. Desiree, who got dumped by Sean because her brother was a douchebag, is back, in the driver’s seat, and looking for love.  Fake TV love.

The season starts with a recap of what is coming up.  Lame.  These men are hideous, Desiree is harmless but annoying, and the entire season will be built around her humble beginnings and shock at living with such extravagances. There will be lots of fake tears, borrowed clothes, unrealistic dates, gorgeous abs, and enough schmaltz to make us sick, but keep us watching.

In the first minute of Desiree telling us about her search for love she is crying and talking about how she came from nothing.  Dear God.  Des has grown out her bangs, which is a shame because they were cute.  Important to note that Chris Harrison has colored his hair dark and he looks ridiculous. He is too old to be hosting this show, and he now looks like a pervert.

Harrison does an interview with Des outside and he is squinting so bad that it looks like his eyes are actually closed.  He is nodding in agreement with everything she says, which is stupid. She feels like Cinderella, Prince Charming is coming, and she will be wearing a white dress.  Poor Des.  She is adorable.  She’s also dumb because this show never works.

I like Des and I want her to be happy.  The problem is I like her now, but by the end of the season, after she has made a proper fool out of herself, I won’t care about her anymore.  That is what this show does to people.  It makes them unlikeable.  It’s time to meet the 25 men who have come to get famous.  Of those 25, maybe 1 or 2 are real, and they’ll be cut.

If these guys are 25 of “the most eligible bachelors in the United States”, single women should move.  By move of course I mean that they should just start dating chicks.  This show makes me crazy, but I am watching it with my full attention and I am ashamed.  Why am I watching?  Because I am paid to! Let’s go with that shall we? Here come the creepy men.

Bryden: War vet, never going to happen.
Will: Banker, never going to happen.
Drew: Digital Marketing, playing the sympathy card, could work.
Nick R.: Tailor and magician, never going to happen.
ZaK W: Engineer, naked, never going to happen.
Robert: Entrepreneur, he is one of my top picks.
Mike: Dental student, never going to happen.
Brandon: Painter, playing the sympathy card, never going to happen.
Brooks: Marketing Consultant, never going to happen.
Brad: Accountant, never going to happen.
Michael G.: Federal Prosecutor, I like him a little bit.
Kasey: Advertising Executive, #nevergoingtohappen.
Mikey T.: Plumber, does he have a lazy eye? Never going to happen.
Jonathan: Lawyer, total douchebag, never going to happen.
James: Advertising, He’s loyal and I like him.
Larry: ER Doctor, horrible dancer, never going to happen.
Zack K.: Publisher, never going to happen.
Diogo: Ski Resort Manager, Knight, never going to happen.
Chris: Mortgage Broker, cheesy, but has a shot.
Juan Pablo: Soccer Player, never going to happen, but he should call me.
Brian: Financial Advisor, never going to happen.
Micah: Law Student, I love this kid.
Nick M.: Investment Advisor and poet, never going to happen.
Dan: Beer Salesman, super hot, might have a shot.
Ben: Entrepreneur and single dad, I love him, top pick.

We are one hour in and I’m ready to be done.  Desiree’s sing song voice is starting to irritate me.  I wonder if she wears contacts because she is having a blinking thing.  I like her. Bless her for doing this and putting herself out there to be mocked by bloggers.  In certain shots I think she looks like she could be a Charlie’s Angel. She is a beautiful girl.

Nick the magician is lame, and too short for her, but Brandon swoops in and uses his mom’s sober chip to win favor and made my heart flutter.  To be clear, he is creepy as hell.  Single dad Ben gets the first rose of the night, firmly placing a target on his back.  The naked guy jumps in the pool, he is a freak but she gives his a rose. Clearly forced by the producers.

Bryden throws in a war story and gets a rose.  Juan Pablo can do and say whatever he wants. He is sexy as hell. Drew is staring at her boobs and while super feminine, cute.  He gets a rose. Larry the ER Doctor is a hot mess and if he gets a rose I will have to do a shot of tequila and I am already smashed, so it will not be good.  Des is a lovely girl. Bless her.

Jonathon is the creepiest man to ever be on this show.  More than tattoo getting Kasey, this guy is a freak.  He wants to get her alone in the fantasy suite and the first one to get a kiss on the mouth.  He wants to skin her alive and cook her for dinner.  This guy needs to go home.  By go home of course I mean that he needs to be on meds. Des is not digging him.

Jonathon goes to the fantasy suite on his own, then gives a real housewives speech about his love tank.  Dear Lord.  He takes her away again and Des is now officially over him.  She tells him she is uncomfortable and asks him to go home.  Watching these men get all insecure and nervous gives me joy, but not enough to stop my drinking. This show will kill my liver.

It is rose ceremony time.  The men who continue are: Bryden, Ben, Brandon, Zack K., Will, Zach W., Brooks, Juan Pablo, Brad, Kasey, James, Robert, Brian, Dan, Chris, and Mikey T. That is 6 mean and I could be missing one but I am now drunk, exhausted, annoyed, and wishing I had blogged this last week so I was not having to watch 4 hours today.  Oh. My. God.

There is a lot of recapping on this show.  We are not stupid, except for the part where we watch this show, so the recapping is too much.  It’s time for the first date of the season and it is a one-on-one date for Brooks. Interesting choice.  I don’t like this kid, and I say kid because he seems very immature.  Frontrunner Ben is being a schmuck, which is not cute.

The first date is trying on tuxes and wedding dresses.  Really?  I’m bored. They go up to the Hollywood sign and hang out in their wedding clothes.  I can’t do it.  I am not going to be able to blog this every week.  I am getting a cavity as I write this from all the sugary sweet crap.  As for Brooks, he is cute, seems like a nice guy, but he is not going to be the winner.

Brooks gets a kiss, and a rose, and the most perfect dinner location ever.  I think we are done and then Brooks goes on and on about his divorced parents.  He reminds me of Ace from American Idol.  It’s concert time and I am hammered.  Not because it is a nice feeling, but because it numbs the pain of this show.  I cannot blog the whole season people.

It is group date time and they are going to shoot a rap video with Soldier Boy.  The men make fools of themselves, Soldier Boy is making money, and I am not watching these men make a rap video.  I am skipping over the entire thing, knowing I might possibly miss something great, but guaranteeing that I will not see something that will make me vomit.  Good call.

It’s booze time with the group of men.  Naked Zak gives her an antique journal with a random message in it that I am guessing he wrote himself.  Great gift and I was impressed.  Even if it was a hoax, it is still romantic and wonderful. I hate it that I love him.   Ben is aggressive, and steels Des from lazy eye. Nobody likes Ben, which means he may be the winner.

Ben is using his son for brownie points and goes in for the kiss.  Brandon watches them kiss and starts to cry.  Oh. My. God.  I want to jump out my window.  Michael G. is having a visit with her and I like him more this week than last week.  In his attempt to let her know he will be honest and true, he moves into the friend zone.  Poor guy. Lazy eye bugs me.

Mikey T. approaches Ben and tells him he bugs him.  He is now a high school mean girl.  Ben defuses the situation and back at the house there are four men who have not been on a date, but it is a one-on-one card so some are out of luck.  Iraq war vet Bryden is the winner.  Brandon is crying and talking about how hard his childhood was and I am not digging it.

It is a compelling story but he is wounded and scared and he needs to go home. He is creeping me out.  He probably cries during sex and that is just not attractive.  Time to give out the one rose of the group date and it goes to Ben.  He is not liked by the men and it is fascinating to watch men behave like women. Ben better not be an asshole. Better not Ben!

Sidebar:  My son just walked into the room and listened to Brandon tell the story of his childhood and he started laughing   He said this show is garbage and the story did not make him like the guy, but rather want to punch him in the mouth.  Agreed.  The romantic heart gets fed a little bit with the show, and the bullshit meter is sent into overdrive.  Needs balance.

Bryden and Des are going on a road trip.  She says she is like California in that there is a lot to explore.  What? I am a sucker for anyone in the armed forces and I love this guy. I didn’t think he stood a chance last week, but he is now one of my favorites.  He is a good man and I love him.  Important to note that I am drunk and we are only on episode number 2.

Bryden speaks of an accident he had and it is amazing that he is even alive. I think he is sweet and while I still believe he is broken and wounded emotionally, he is a remarkable man and a new frontrunner.  He is not winning, but he gets a rose and lives on another day.  The date can’t end without some hot tub time and an awkward but cute first kiss.

At the cocktail party, Michael G. takes Des off and tells her he is a diabetic.  He is in the middle of an important story and Ben shows up to steel her, and he has a rose.  Ben is becoming less cute, more creepy.  The men are now all acting like women and it is my favorite part. Brian takes her off for a chat and I like him. He reminds me of Vince Vaughn for some reason.

He broke up with his last relationship only a couple of months ago.  Shot himself in the foot with that information.  He also has a weird eye thing happening.  I’m noticing that Des talks over the guys a lot.  She needs to stop doing that.  I think I will not blog this show again until the hometown dates.  I will watch, but blogging is just too much.

Time for the rose ceremony and the ones that are safe:  Ben, Brooks, Bryden, James, Kasey, Dan, Juan Pablo, Brad, Chris, Brian, Zach W., Drew, Mikey, Zach, Michael, and Brandon.  Going home is Will, Robert, and Nick M. When I said I was not blogging this anymore it was before we saw a girlfriend comes to the house next week. I’m in for one more week.

This show gives me a headache and I would like it much more if it was only an hour long.  Drinking for two hours is not good.  I am amazed that this show is still on, and even more shocked that I am still watching.  If it weren’t for the emails from my reader Tim guilting me into it, I’d be done.  In the end I am a romantic and fall for them knowing they are not keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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