Jewish Journal

The Bachelorette Crawls Along

by Ilana Angel

June 20, 2013 | 11:35 am

We are down to 13 men and while a couple of them are quite lovely, I don’t see any of them with Des.  This show does not work anymore because fame trumps love.  Case in point, Brain, who was kicked out when his girlfriend Stephanie came crying about how he deceived her, is back with Stephanie and living happily ever after following his 15 minutes.  Such crap.

They head off to Atlantic City and Brad gets the first one-on-one date.  He is a single dad and while handsome at some angles, he looks weird at others. Brad is way too normal for this show and he is going home.  They go to a candy plant and eat taffy, followed by chocolate.  She feeds him a chocolate covered pretzel, then he shoves one in her mouth.  Hilarious.

Brad and Des have nothing to talk about, there is no chemistry, and it is painful.  Sidebar:  Des should go back to having bangs.  She is not as cute with them grown out.  Back at the house there is a group date for all but James, who will get the second one-on-one.   Brian cries and while in another place and time I might think it is sexy, I can’t stop laughing.

The group date is going to have the men compete in a beauty pageant.  Dear Lord.  Important to note that it pisses me off when Des talks about dates and trips like she planned them, or that she knows anything about anything to do with Atlantic City.  The writers plan everything, she reads a script, and they are clearly all smoking pot with the editor of this crap.

There is a pageant coach who is fabulous, then the men choose what they will do for the talent portion of the competition.  Juan Pablo can twirl a baton? He is dreamy.  Everyone is finding something ridiculous to do and I am wishing Mike Fleiss would send over some of the pot he provides to his editor. This is going to be humiliating and really bad television.

There will be a talent show, an interview question, and a bathing suit competition.  Sidebar:  Chris Harrison is annoying beyond measure.  Casey wins the pageant and I am amazed these men were willing to do this. This may be the dumbest show on television.  By dumbest show of course I mean dumbest people.  Another thing, Des talks through her nose.

The men are all certain they have a connection with Des, everyone hates Ben, Ben is a douche, and James is back at the hotel taking a bubble bath to get ready for his date the next day. Oh. My. God. I am not sure why I am watching.  There is one rose for the group date and she gives it to Zach W. due to his lame singing I guess.  These men act like women.

For the one-on-one with James, they are going on a helicopter to see the destruction left in the wake of Hurricane Sandy on the Jersey shore.  It is a dramatic look at what happened and bravo to the potheads at the Bachelorette for finally giving us something worth watching.  It is important to see, so I am not even bothered by Des’ scripted concern.

Des and James go to meet a couple who lost everything and they are the loveliest couple ever.  Manny and Jan are so cute that I want to hug them. Des gives a blank stare as they tell their story and while pathetic that they made this couple pretend to know or care about who Des was, their story needs to be told and I can overlook the obvious manipulation.

The hurricane hit on Manny and Jan’s anniversary so Des has the brilliant idea to give them her date.  I hate this show, but love that Manny and Jan get a special night out.  Des is so nasally that is makes my back hurt, and she is unable to speak articulately without a script.  James is brilliant at speaking off the cuff, but Des is a robot with a blocked sinus.

Important to note that ABC should cancel this crapfest and start a new show called “Bachelor Dates”, where they give these phenomenal dates to people who really deserve them.  Surprise couples with a night out.  It touches our hearts, make us grateful to see real love, and will not piss us off.  Now that would be great television worthy of our time and blogs.

James and Des go out for dinner to a local restaurant and he admits to her that he was in a five year relationship and cheated on her.  Ouch.  Once a cheater…… She says she is glad he was honest, but she immediately checks out.  She makes out with him, tells him she appreciates the honesty and gives him the rose, but there is no way he is going to win in the end.

The Red Cross gives Manny and Jan a replica of their wedding album from their ruined pictures and it is amazing.  I am crying at how wonderful the moment is.  I love this couple and their 38 year marriage is inspiring.  Des and James come to wreck the moment. Then the moment is saved by announcing a private concert by Darius Rucker.  I freaking LOVE Mr. Rucker.

Sidebar: I’m a little disappointed Darius came on this crapfest, but I still love him.  Manny and Jan have no idea who he is, or how great this moment is, but they dance and it is super cute.  Shame Des has to nasal spew all over it.  Des and James join them to dance, then Manny and Jan bail and Des and James dance.  It was better with Manny and Jan.

Manny is emotional when he thanks everyone on behalf of himself and Jan, then says a few words in Italian, which Jan thinks is sexy.  I love them, wish them well, and hope ABC gives couples like them a show and stops with this garbage.  We then move back to the hotel and it’s cocktail party time before the rose ceremony.  Bryden is pulling the "I might need to leave" card.

Every season someone is unsure if they can do it, and this week they scripted the war vet, which is lame.  Mike G. takes her off for a moment alone and gets his first kiss.  I really like him and hope she dumps him so he can be the next bachelor.  Bryden is whining and it does not work.  He never should have done this show and he is embarrassing himself right now.

Everyone is talking about Bryden and what he wants to do, and Des tells him he needs to stick it out because they have a connection.  No they don’t.  This show is stupid.  She has no connection or chemistry with Bryden and she should tell him to go home.  She gives out roses, makes Bryden wait to the end, then sends Zach K. home.  I don’t even know who that is.

We have been watching for weeks and there are still so many men!  How is it possible that she is not down to 4 yet?  Next week they will travel to Munich, Germany. Oy Vey.  The teaser for next week says it will be Armageddon, which means maybe I will only need one bottle of wine to make it through the hour.  This show needs booze to keep it real.

***Typos brought to you courtesy of Merlot.



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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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