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The Bachelor Week 3 Recap

by Ilana Angel

January 26, 2013 | 12:42 pm

This show never changes.  Every year it is the same thing with new faces.  A man we all fall in love with as he tries to woo a woman, then becomes a slut who whores his way through a house of whores.  Fame whores.  I’m sure in the real world they are lovely, but here they are cliché.  It’s been three weeks and love has been found by all of them with a guy who is making out with  all of them.  This show is as nauseating as it is fabulous.

We start with Lesley M. getting a one-on-one date.  They are going to break the Guinness Book of Records for longest on camera kiss.  Oy Vey.  Are we seriously going to watch this? Chris Harrison is there, doing nothing, and her dress is so short I’m thinking we might get an ass shot before the kiss is over.  They have an insanely awkward kiss for what feels like hours, but the commentary from them both is hilarious.  This show is ridiculous.

If Lesley is not the final winner, and she won’t be, then the chick he picks will forever know, and watch on DVR, the longest on camera kiss between Sean and a woman who is not her.  This show is bad for women.  I love the romantic possibilities the ending brings, but the road to get there is disturbing.  By disturbing of course I mean if I were not having wine while watching this crap my eyes might actually start to bleed.

I like Sean but he is starting to get on my nerves.  In the end he is just a pig who is going to break hearts and spend more time thinking with his head than his brain or his heart.  Lesley is talking about her family, Sean is looking at her with lust, then he starts to blow smoke up her ass.  He says all the right things and if I were her I would think he was in love with me.  Sean is playing the game like a pro but I don’t think he is a player, so it is weird.

It is group date time.  This is my favorite because the claws come out and seemingly sweet girls turn into animals who are fighting for survival.  I can’t wait for the crying to begin.  I am not ashamed to say it is my favorite part. When they cry and talk about how he is the only man they will ever really love, my wine starts to taste better and I am sucked in.  Those five minutes are worth watching the rest of the garbage for two hours.

They are at the beach and everyone, including Sean, is waxed up the wazoo. Harrison is there and tells them they are splitting into two teams of six to play beach volleyball.  Winning team gets to continue the date, losers go back to the house. The ladies look awesome in their bikinis. Sean is drooling, Harrison is drooling, and the game is on.   The second the match is over the crying begins. Awesome.  Sean is excited about “quality time.”

Nothing says “quality time” like hanging out with six women at once.  Tool. The losers are at the house crying and the winners are at Sean’s house. Upon arrival Kacie B says it is so romantic.  Really?  How is sharing a man romantic?  Unless she is shooting a group porn film, there is no real romance happening here. The wedding dress chick is out of control with her compliments and Sean is surprised by how normal she can be. Normal?

Sean is making out with everyone and each one thinks she is the one. Des is kind of a bitch. Amanda is a freak but Sean tells her she has a genuine heart. Seriously?  Amanda is a crazy person.  Speaking of crazy, Kacie B is a lunatic. She runs to Sean to tattle about Des and Amanda not liking each other.  She is drama filled and her going to him is lame.  Kacie is an idiot and sealed her fate to be alone because everyone now knows she is all kinds of crazy.

Kacie’s plan backfires and Sean tells her she is crazy. The group date rose goes to Lindsay, which pisses off all the other women and sends Kacie into tears.  Des is pissed, Amanda is delusional, and Kacie is unraveling.   The next day AshLee is getting ready for her date.  She is the foster kid who was adopted and I really like her.  She is primping and feeling positive when Tierra slips and falls down the stairs.  Tierra is beyond desperate.

Paramedics come to help Tierra but she is not into it.  She does not want to go to the hospital and begs to be left alone.  Ashlee calls Tierra out on her stunt while Tierra is hanging out with Sean.  It’s annoying.  Sean takes AshLee to Six Flags in heels and a mini dress.  Not cute.  They are sharing the park with a couple of lovely young women who are besties and meeting for the first time.  They’re cute, Sean is cute, AshLee is cute.

The date ends with a concert by yet another band I have never hard of.  I never know who these Bachelor performers are.  The girls are dancing with each other and I start to cry.  So sweet.  Damn Mike Fleiss and his Bachelor shenanigans.  The charity aspect added in each season is great.  A little sun in the middle of crap is beautiful.  AshLee and Sean are alone and chatting. AshLee tells her story and I love her.  She is a lovely girl.

She talks about her time in foster care and being adopted at six.  Sean starts to cry and I now want them to get married and have babies and adopt babies and live happily ever after.  Damn it!  AshLee gets the date rose and a speech from Sean about his high hopes for them.  They make out while dancing to another song by his favorite band that nobody knows.  AshLee is in love and shared more than she has with any other man.  Dear Lord.

AshLee is crying but it is not annoying for some reason.  I like her and if she is not picked, she will be the next Bachelorette is my bet.   It is cocktail time and 3 girls are going home.  Sean has a surprise for Sarah and it is her dog from home.  Really?  She is sweet but she needs to go home.  He is never picking her in the end so just send her home rather than torture her with false hope.  Her dog Leo is cute, but she’s not winning.

Tierra is feeling great after her fake fall down the stairs.  Des steals Sean from Tierra and she is pissed.  Tierra comes and takes him right back.  It’s hilarious.  Everyone hates Tierra.  There is a lot of Sean stealing happening and tough Des is bawling and stressed out.  Too funny.  Kacie is wearing a scuba suit and steals Sean to talk about her tattles.  Sean is not into her, wants to dump her, and she knows it.  Poor thing.

It is rose time and before he hands out the first one, he takes Kacie aside and sends her home.  He tells her he has too much respect for her to make her go through a rose ceremony when he is not into her.  I am dying it is so good.  Kacie’s parting words is that she has a great life.  Not so much. The poor girl had her shot ruined by her parents, then ruined it herself this go round.  Kacie is gone and the roses are being handed out. 

Kristy the model and Taryn the health club manager are sent home.  They cry and fall apart at the loss of their shot to marry Sean.  It’s been a couple of weeks ladies!  We are down to a dozen and it feels like we have been watching for months.  Next week we will watch Tierra have a melt down while everyone plots to kill her. I usually switch to hard booze around week 8 but I’m hitting it next week.  Tequila always helps to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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