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The Bachelor Recap - Utah

by Ilana Angel

January 24, 2012 | 12:08 pm

Chris Harrison

As I began to write this blog I got a Tweet saying the Bachelor was having the highest ratings ever.  One might be surprised to learn this since the show is a crapfest, but I have a theory.  We all drink wine in order to watch, because wine makes it funny.  By hour 2 we are sloshed, can’t be bothered to change the channel, and therefore ratings are high.  I bet if you did a survey, you’d see alcoholism was up too.

We start his week by leaving San Francisco and heading to Park City. Remember when they took us to exotic locations?  Utah?  Chris Harrison is there, doing nothing, and we off with Rachel getting the first date.  Her last relationship ended because she is a bad communicator so I’m not sure why she thought this would work for her.  She is beautiful but her lack of communication makes her seem really dumb.

Kacie B is really sweet and I like her, but I must say the crying has got to stop.  She has known him for five minutes and had one date, so while it’s awfully cute she think she is in love, she has seen how this show works and her constant whining about how hard this is, is getting on my last nerve.  With 13 girls left, and more than one with a shot, she needs to pace her emotional breakdowns better.

Ben comes to pick up Rachel and once again we have to watch Kacie B cry.  If this is going to happen for the entire two hours it will be rough.  By rough of course I mean it will require extra wine.  Rachel and Ben go on a helicopter ride to a remote and romantic location.  They have a picnic by a lake, and go out in a canoe.  I don’t care how beautiful the scenery is, I’m not going out on a canoe if it means I am going to be swarmed by bugs.

They are on the water, kissing, and there are a million bugs flying around. Are they going in their mouths? Up their noses?  It is not romantic.  It is disgusting.  He has barely said anything to her in the entire time he’s known her but they are kissing.  This show is like Spring Break in Daytona Beach, circa 1984.  Lot’s of making out wit people you don’t know, and will not remember the next day.  Rachel is sweet, but I’m not digging her.

Their conversation is painful.  They have nothing to talk about and she is sitting there like a mannequin.  The silence is giving me an opportunity to really look at his hair and seriously, get a haircut Ben.  You look dirty.  It’s time for dinner, while over at the house its group date time.  Courtney is pissing off everyone and daggers are being thrown. The girls are not feeling the model.  Model?  There are other girls there who are much prettier.

Rachel is insecure and unable to share her emotions.  I want to shake her and tell her to talk.  If you have to choose between being that pretty and dumb, or not so pretty but really articulate, which would you choose? This chick is annoying and I cannot believe that he gave her a rose.  They have no chemistry, nothing to talk about, and it’s not going to happen for her.  She’s cute, but socially awkward and stunted.  Don’t get the rose.

The group date is going to be fly-fishing.  Really?  These dates blow and the women acting excited is fake.  No chick wants to go fly-fishing on a date.  Of course if it were George Clooney asking I would go, but my George would never be lame enough to make this a date.  The girls scream and giggle at everything Ben says and it’s starting to bug me.  How sad to be so desperate.  These chicks have no self-respect.

Courtney is babbling and making weird shapes with her mouth, Kacie B. is whining, Ben says he loves to spend time with Courtney but does not know why.  Really?  It’s because she is a whore and you are a man.  You are attracted to her scent, because she is wearing the scent of a whore. Between Courtney speaking in clichés, Kacie B. whining, and Lindzi really needing to brush her hair, I’m totally over this date.

It’s drinks and hot tub time for the group date.  Ben takes Kacie S. for a chat and I’m not seeing a connection there.  Nicki makes a move and interrupts him and Kacie S.  to get in some alone time.  She reminds me of Katie Holmes and talks out of the side of her mouth.  I’m not digging her, don’t think Ben is digging her, yet he kisses her.  The group kissing is weird. Then Samantha makes her move and interrupts.

Samantha wants to know why she is going on group dates, and while she is falling for him, he’s not into her. He tells her she is too emotional and that he cannot tell if she is taking it seriously.  He then sends her home.  I feel bad for her because she really did not see it coming.  He dumps her ass.  She is giggling and clearly confused and looks like she is about to pee her pants. It’s sad, and by sad of course I mean hilarious.

Samantha is crying and tells us her heart is broken because she will miss him so much.  Really?  Courtney is trashing her and I want to slap the really ugly smirk right off her oddly shaped face.  Kacie B goes off to chat with Ben and even with the whining, I like her.  She is so cute and I think really sincere.  As sincere as one can be when selling their soul to the dating devil, but still sincere.  I predict she will be one of the final two.

Courtney is now with Ben and she is talking in a little kid voice, which is just too much for me.  I cannot stand this girl.  She talks like a girl in a chick flick, only she is a whore, not the girl next door that you route for to get the guy.  She is whining and complaining and telling Ben some crap filled story about how she is losing sight of the big picture and she does not want to share him.  He gives her a rose which proves what an idiot he is.

How did he fall for her pathetic lies?  She is not that pretty!  She gets the rose and keeps saying “winning”.  Really?  That was cute a million years ago, and even when it was cute, her using it is not cute.  Not even Charlie Sheen would give a rose to this chick.  Winning my ass.  She is a loser and I want her to make an epic mistake and get sent home.  Kacie B. is whining again while she shoots daggers at Courtney.

Jennifer gets the next solo date.  She is a favorite of mine although her hair color needs a touch up.  Taping is not that long on this show so I’m not sure why she didn’t do her color the day before she left.  If the color is natural, then wow.  Sorry.  They are going to drop into a crater by a rope for their date.  Seriously?  Who is the moron that is coming up with these dates?  This is not sexy, just stupid.

Jennifer is not into this date, but she is doing it.  Ben says they need trust and let me tell you Ben, a chick you don’t know jumping into a crater with you is no indication of what your relationship will be. Please stop being such a loser Ben.  I like you and really want this to work for you, but if you are going to keep saying ridiculous things I might have to change my mind.  Man up dude and stop with the relationship projections.

Jennifer is falling in love with Ben and after the date she hated, and getting caught in the rain, she says it’s the best night of her life.  Really?  I like her but she is silly.  By silly of course I mean predictable.  She’s going to get her heart broken.  Then she pisses me off by saying she is grateful Ben put the date together for her.  Here’s the thing, Ben had nothing to do with the planning of the date.  He is a wine salesman.  This is television.

It’s time for the cocktail party.  We have 13 women and 12 roses, so with Jennifer, Courtney and Rachel safe, one girl will be sent home.  2 hours is a long time to sit though for only one chick to get the boot.  They owed us one more if you ask me.  Emily is talking to Ben and telling him Courtney is a loon, but he’s not having it.  She wastes her time with him by bitching about someone else, and her attempt to help him blows up in her face.

Emily is talking about her epic mistake to Casey S. who is friends with Courtney, so we have epic fail number two.  Casey S. runs to Courtney and tells her everything that Emily said.  Courtney’s response to hearing the news is that she wants to rip Emily’s head of, verbally assault her, and shave her eyebrows off.  Perhaps the psychologist who checks these chicks out to be on the show needs a little check up on herself.

Emily is still tripping about Courtney and Courtney calls her on it.  Kacie B is trying to relieve the tension but it does not work.  Emily denies that she said anything about Courtney, which is just lame and proves that she needs to go.  She is high school drama and I’m over her.  Ben won’t dump her though because then he’ll just look like a putz, but she’ll go next week for sure.  Courtney just said winning three more times!

At the rose ceremony Emily is spared and Monica, the super cute lesbian is sent home.  I hope she got some numbers.  She cries in the car as if she will never love again, but never mentions Ben, so I think she was crying over Blakeley. Next week we go to Puerto Rico and the drama over Courtney gets stirred up again.  I love and hate this show and need it to move along faster because I’m finding it hard to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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