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The Bachelor Pad:  Blake is the New Bentley & Ames is Prince Charming

by Ilana Angel

August 16, 2011 | 8:55 am

This show is fabulous.  There is no point in denying it, or trying to lie about it.  It is really very entertaining, the people on it are insane, and it would not be nearly as good without Jake and Vienna.  One might assume the people on this show are watching themselves at home and are embarrassed, but I think they might be too dumb to know how ridiculous they look.

Chris Harrison is too old to be hosting this show.  He is painful enough on The Bachelor and Bachelorette, but he just looks stupid here.  They should have gotten someone younger and funnier who could have added to the show, rather than Harrison who just looks out of place.  Even his clothes don’t seem to match the vibe of the show.  He does not belong here and looks lame.

The show starts with a competition straight out of high school. Everyone gets into bathing suites, are blindfolded, and the opposite sex throws paint filled eggs at each other upon answering questions.  The questions are who are you least attracted to?  Who do you want to go home? Who does not deserve to win the prize money?  It’s funny, but very mean.

Jake appears to be the least popular of the men and Erica is clearly the least popular of the women.  I don’t care about Jake, but it’s very sad to watch them pummel Erica.  She is crying and it’s very sad.  She is really dumb, but bless her, she did not deserve to be treated this way and you have to wonder if the money is worth the public humiliation.  I think not.

Jake is very sad he is so misunderstood and nobody likes him.  He is sulking around like a baby and could not be less attractive.  Important to note that I think Jake might be a little person.  He looks like a munchkin next to the strapping young men on the show. Mike wins for the men and picks Erica, Michelle and Holly to go with him on a date.

Mike was engaged to Holly and she called off the wedding because she was not in love with him.  He is still in love with her and it’s painful to watch.  The date is in a closed down mental hospital and I can’t help but think they could reopen it and fill it with all the contestants from The Bachelor and Bachelorette past seasons.  These people are pathetic, but great TV.

The date is stupid, Michelle is weird, Holly is confused, and Erica did not brush her hair.  Holly and Mike go off alone and it’s crushing.  He loves her and misses her, and she just does not get it.  She says they were just off and when he loved her she did not love him, then when she loved him, he was not into it.  It was a mean and hurtful thing to say.

She broke up with him 6 months after she accepted his engagement so for her to say she was not in love with him when he loved her, means that she accepted his proposal without loving him.  She is crying that she does not understand why he broke up with her.  Really?  You called off your wedding and broke his heart with no explanation.  Holly is a moron and I love Mike.

Melissa picks Blake, Casey and Kirk to go on her date.  Melissa makes a deal with Casey that she will give him a rose if he saves her next week.  Casey thinks he is the Godfather pulling all the strings.  He is certain he is in charge but his speech impediment makes it impossible to take him seriously. He actually has no speech issue, he’s just a dork who talks weird.

Jake is whining and complaining about how he is probably going home.  He is bitching and complaining about Vienna and decides the only way to help himself in the game is to ask Vienna for help.  Really?  He is insane.  How desperate must he be to think he can go to Vienna for help?  Jake needs to give up on his search for fame, find a nice guy to love, and settle down.

In the most pathetic show of desperation ever, Jake goes to “V” and asks if he can talk to her privately. She says no.  She will not talk to him without Casey there.  He tells her she can bring someone with them.  She says no again and he sulks off.  I have met Jake and he’s a little weird.  This show has now made him weird, creepy and completely pathetic.

On Melissa’s date she is talking to Kirk who is great.  Casey is convinced he is safe and talks to Blake like he is the puppet master, then Blake takes Melissa off for some alone time.  Blake then channels the inner Bentley every man has, and makes out with her, even though he is not attracted her and thinks she is gross.  He calls himself a whore, but keeps on going.

When it comes to the rose, Melissa goes back on her word to Casey and gives it to Blake.  She is emotionally unstable and falling in love with Blake.  Casey is shocked and his feelings are hurt.  Dear Lord.  We are an hour in and I am totally entertained by this show.  There is something seriously wrong with these people.  Fame is truly a seductive lady.

Gia is plotting to get Casey and Vienna sent home.  She is talking to Graham about a plan and tells him to not talk to Casey about her plans to split the power couple. Meanwhile Holly is flirting with Blake, who is a pig, and it is putting Melissa over the edge.  She is convinced he digs her, but he’s into Holly and going Bentley all over Melissa.  The breakdown is coming!

Melissa is a crazy person.  She is 32 years old and acting like a teenager. I’m embarrassed for her.  She is crying, saying she wants to go home, and clinging onto Blake, who thinks she is both unstable and unattractive. Everyone is plotting, Casey believes he’s in charge, and it’s hard to keep up with all the backstabbing and alliances.  I love this show.

Jake still thinks if he gives Vienna an opportunity to be kind, she will take it. Is Jake high?  She is not kind.  She is crazy.  He approaches Casey and Vienna and says he wants to talk.  Vienna agrees to talk because Casey is there.  Jake says he needs help and they are the only ones to help him.  Oh. My. God. Jake has lost his mind and I freaking love this show.

Casey asks Jake if he deserves to be there and Jake says yes.  If he wins he is going to donate the $250k in prize money to charity. Vienna says she knows he’s in debt and the donation is a lie.  Jake gets beat by Casey and Vienna and just sits there.  Jake is a liar, Vienna is a drama queen, and Casey is a schmuck.  The crazy thing is that I feel feel bad for Jake.

How screwed up is that?  I actually feel bad for Jake and his constant public humiliation.  I also feel a little bad for Vienna because she needs the prize money to get her lazy eye fixed and Casey needs it to get a new tongue so he can talk properly.  It’s so confusing to decide who needs the money more.  If I could give the money to any of them, I would give it to Ella.

Harrison comes in and Vienna goes off about how the show forced her to break up with Jake on television and she blames them for causing her distress.  Harrison tells her she is not being forced to do anything and he will call her a cab if she wants to go, and for the first time I actually like him.  Bravo to Chris for calling her out.  He’s still boring as hell, but bravo.

The plot twist this week is that no men are going home.  Jake is spared his certain demise and two women are going to be sent packing.  Minds are racing and the scrambling for survival begins.  Jake is standing with Ella and Michelle and both of them are actually taller than him.  Gia went to Graham and Graham went straight to Casey and told him what she said.

Gia gets caught in a lie, then talks about how everyone else is lying.  She is losing it and saying she is not like them, but she is exactly like them and she got caught.  She is quitting and going home.  Crying and trying to leave with dignity, but we have been watching Gia.  You are just like them and you left looking like an idiot, not the nice girl who got screwed over.

There is still a vote and one girl needs to go.  It’s between Ella and Jackie. Ella goes into fight mode and scrambles to find a way to save herself.  She aligns with Kirk, and he partners with her and is on board to save her ass. Kirk goes to Mike and Graham and gets them on board to save Ella and send Jackie home.  Meanwhile Ames goes to Casey and asks him to save Jackie.

Melissa goes to Blake and tells him everyone hates him, but she is whispering which is weird because if everyone thinks it, then there is no need for the whispers.  Melissa is a crazy person.  She plays into the stereotypes men have of chicks being whack and I wish she could be sent home.  Sadly she has a rose and is safe.  I want her and Blake gone.

It’s time to send a girl home and Jackie gets the boot.  I LOVE Ames and I am not a fan of Jackie’s but he loves her.  He’s known her for a week, but he loves her.  I hope they have broken up and he is the next Bachelor.  Ames is sad that Jackie is going home.  I honestly think this is the greatest man to ever appear on any of these shows.  He is a little off, but totally divine.

Jackie says goodbye to everyone, and Ames walks her to the limo.  He hugs her, kisses her, and puts her in the car.  He walks back to the others, then waves goodbye to them and runs after the limo.  He gets in the car and leaves with Jackie and then it happens.  Much to my surprise and my humiliation, I started crying.  Ames is Prince Charming and he made me cry.

Next week’s show looks fabulous!  Jake makes out with Erica, Vienna and Casey start to crumble, and Melissa loses her mind.  This show is so incredibly bad that it is insanely good.  I’m hooked.  Each show ends with the weird Bachelorette masked guy wandering around the house and it’s worth watching just to see him.  Admit you love Bachelor Pad, and keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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