When Chris Harrison welcomed us on Monday night to 3 hours of The Bachelor I wanted to kill myself. Three hours is insane, this show is lame, Harrison is useless, and Sean is either an idiot or a genius. I’m going to go with idiot. I watch this show every season, get annoyed with every episode, but keep watching. I did not care about Sean as the Bachelor, could not care any less that Des is the new Bachelorette, and truly think this show has run out of steam. They recycle everything on this show and I am sick of it and happy to announce I will no longer be blogging it.
I will however, finish what I started, so here we go. Sean is in Thailand with Catherine and Lindsay. Lindsay loves him and Catherine is not that into him as a person, but all over him as a boy toy. It’s cute that she lusts after him, but that only means he should bang her, not marry her. Sean’s family arrives and it’s like an entire loaf of white bread has overtaken Thailand. Sean tells his family that Catherine has a great family. Really? He father tried to kill himself in front of her and her sisters hate her. What was great exactly? Sean has lost his mind and his mom knows it.
I don’t trust Catherine because she makes no eye contact. She looks off into the distance as if she is on lithium. Sean’s mom takes Catherine for a chat. Mom is not into the whole process. She then goes off with Dad. Sean’s dad is lovely and I am totally crushing on him. He said all the right things and Catherine responds with cliché bullshit that she practiced when she decided she wanted to win. His loveliness is wasted on her and her fake tears make me want to drink myself silly. Seeing as she fake cries every episode, I am going to start drinking at only 13 minutes in.
Lindsay arrives next, without a gift, whereas Catherine brought one. She chats with the mom and dad and it is cute. I think both of them felt better about Lindsay than Catherine. Lindsay asks for Sean’s hand in marriage, which was very cute. Poor girl. She is perfect for him and he is going to pick the fame whore. This show sucks. I am bored with the family meetings. It is all so fake. Sean goes off with his mom and she lets him know he should not feel pressured and does not need to ask anyone to marry him if he is not 100% sure it is what he wants.
Mom starts to cry and it is sad. Sean does not really care what his parents think. Sean leads her off so the camera is not in her face and I am impressed by his media savvy. He is a professional. To take her of was lovely. I loved him for for looking out for his mom. Then he started talking and the love was gone. Sean is all about sucking every last minute out of his 15 minutes and he knows the best way to ensure another round of fame is to propose. He is going to pick Catherine because Lindsay is the right choice but they never pick the right one.
We are 40 minutes in, I’m getting a nice little buzz going, and Lindsay arrives for her final date. She is clearly not that into her and it is uncomfortable to watch because she is in love and he is not. He gives her a geography lesson as if he actually knew what he is talking about, not because he was told the information y a producer 5 minutes earlier. Lindsay’s date left me feeing dirty. She is making a fool of herself and he is letting her do it. When Sean talks of his date with Lindsay, he says that he misses Catherine. No need to watch her date.
Catherine fake cries through her date while he blows smock up her ass. She makes no eye contact, and then reads her script about how vulnerable she is. She is reading off the pages of every romantic comedy and romance book we have read since we were little girls. Bravo Catherine. She leaves Sean, then chases after Sean, then gets in bed and wipes away her invisible tears. Perfection. Cut to the live show and Chris Harrison talking crap. No matter what he says, all I hear is blah, blah, blah. The fan interaction is crap and I am fast-forwarding.
Listening to Sean reminisce about is journey is giving me a cavity. The ring is gorgeous and watching them all get ready is boring and watching Sean take a crack at fake crying is brilliant. Lindsay is in love and it is painful. She is dolled up in her tin foil dress and my heart is aching for her. Catherine is fake crying in her gold lame and I am laughing. Does she really think we think she is crying for real? Sean is in a grey suit, perfectly matched to Lindsay, and ready to crap all over her. Back to Harrison, he is talking to Sean’s rejects and I am skipping it.
Sean dumps Lindsay and in the best reality TV moment ever, she takes her heals off for her walk of shame so she can walk without fear of falling. She cries, questions if it was her, and while she started off strong, she crumbles into a mess and walks off. I wish she had not asked if it was her. It is not you Lindsay. It is Sean. She wishes him well, congratulates him on finding love, hugs him and bails while he walks behind her crouched over and fake crying and sniffing. He wants to keep talking to her and it is mean. He is pouring salt on her wounds.
Harrison walks Lindsay to the car and says nothing to her as she goes, which was weird. She is in the car in complete disbelief. She then goes into classic loser mode. She has been in this place a hundred times, which would make her a whore. She is embarrassed and humiliated. She is now whiningand I feel horrible for her. It’s not fair she cries. Why did he do this to her? Why God, why? Well Lindsay, it is a fake TV show and you should have known better. She loved him more than she ever loved anyone and with that, I am ready for her to get lost.
Harrison goes to Sean and gives him a letter from Catherine. Well played Madame. It is a love letter. The scripted reading of her letter by both of them is painful. She arrives, he gets down on one knew, he proposes, she fake cries in only the way a winner can, and they are engaged. She reacts as if she has been named ms. America and when he cries and declares his love for her, she never says she loves him back. It is so good! She tells him he is handsome, but still no I love you. I don’t get this pick and think Sean’s an idiot.
Catherine tells him he is her best friend and says thank you, still no I love you. but says she loves the elephant that has come to ride them off. Cut to after the final rose special. I am hammered and disgusted by the whole thing. Lindsay arrives and I am mortified by her begging for answers as to why it was not her. She should be thanking her lucky stars. Lindsay asks Sean questions and he answers to Harrison. Sean is a pig, Lindsay is pathetic, and Harrison is annoying. Sean is talking about Catherine and Lindsay continues to torture herself.
Catherine is fake to me. This was about a win not finding love. I’m not buying her being guarded as much as I am buying that she is a good actress. They announce they are getting married right away, and not having sex until they get married. Thus the rush. They are also going to get married on TV. It will be interesting to see if her evil sisters will be a part of the wedding. Sean is now on Dancing With The Stars and Des is going to be the new bachelorette, cementing the fact that I am out. I can’t blog when they refuse to keep it real.
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