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The Bachelor is Back with a Whole Lot of Crazy

by Ilana Angel

January 3, 2012 | 11:15 am

If Zach Braff and Justin Long had a baby, it would be Bachelor Ben.  He is a sweet man and I wish him well. He was blessed to be dumped by the teeth picking, bang touching Ashley.  I’m just unclear why nobody in his life that cares about him, does not make him get a haircut. I like you Ben, enough to keep it real with you.  Cut your hair.

Not even five minutes in and I’ve got questions.  Does Ben have body hair or did he wax before filming?  Also, why is Chris Harrison on this show?  He truly does nothing, has no facial expressions, and his “I’m listening to you and understand everything you are thinking look” makes him appear to not be listening and simply dumb.

The Women:

Rachel: She is a “Fashion Sales Rep” which probably means she works at Sears.  She is cute but boring and a little too tall for Ben.

Erika: She is a law student, does some lame legal jokes, and actually does a clicking sound which is hilarious.  Her dress is awful.

Amber B: She is Canadian and an embarrassment to my motherland.  Her last name is Bacon, which makes sense because she’s a pig.

Elyse: She is a personal trainer and tells Ben she’ll make him sweat, but does not tell him she is a trainer.  Super dumb.

Jenna – She is a blogger, completely awkward, quotes Ben wrong and is a whole lot of crazy.  Train wreck.  Hooray!

Courtney – She’s a model, say no more.  Okay one thing, she’s gorgeous and has a huge mean girl vibe to her that can’t be trusted.

Sidebar:  Ben’s reaction to the women getting out of the car is really cute and entertaining.  He is giddy with the ones he thinks are pretty and charming with the ones he clearly has no instant chemistry with.  I love this show and I am certain that by the end of it I will be in love with Ben too.  A little disgusted to be sure, but still in love.

Emily: She is getting her PHD and her approach is a little creepy.  She gives Ben hand sanitizer and breath spray, then the first kiss.

Samantha: She is Ms. Pacific Palisades, probably works for her dad, and is a complete dingbat.  Classic airhead contestant.

Casey S: She is a trading clerk and quite simply the most boring woman there.  Don’t even remember her.

Amber T – She hunts and eats cow balls.  She does a cute love at first sight thing, but she’s not a match for our Ben.

Holly: She is in pharmacutical sales, wears a big hat and is super dumb.  Never going to happen for her and Ben.

Jamie – She is a registered nurse, had a rough childhood, will be an amazing wife and mother, and my top choice.

At this point Ben lets us all know he loves the brunettes which is cute. Here’s the thing, we’ve been watching for less than an hour and I get the feeling that Ben might actually break the curse of the Bachelor and find love.  There is a sincerity and awkward vulnerability about him that might prove to be authentic.  We might have a winner!

Shira: She’s an actress and an idiot.  Her attempt at humor is lame and she can just go home now, no need to go into the house.

Blakeley: She is a “VIP Cocktail Waitress”. Well I could go off on that one but she seems sweet and simple so I’ll let it slide.

Brittney:  She brings her Grandma with her and has her introduce them.  It’s a sweet thing I guess but Grandma is more interesting.

Nicki – Divorced dental hygenist who is cute, but it’s never going to happen.  I just don’t see him with a divorced woman.

Dianna – She works in non profit and giggles too much.  Really bad dress selection, forgets what to say, so says nothing,

Jennifer: She is an accountant, makes number jokes, and is cute.  I like her but she needs a haircut.  They have that in common.

Lyndsie J. – She is from England, reads a poem, and is super annoying.  This chick is a loon and will be out before she even sits down.

Anna: She is a student, gets out of the car and walks in without talking to him. Freaking awesome how dumb this chick is.

Monica: She is a dental consultant and also a lesbian.  Super cute but may be there for a girlfriend, not Ben.

Jaclyn: She works in advertising, and I did not really pay attention to her because I was fixated on her really bad fake tan.

Shawn:  Financial advisor with really bad two toned hair color, hits Ben on the arm, hard enough to leave a bruise.

Kasie B. – She is an administrative assistant, the girl next door, and super cute.  She’s a contender and the bitches will slaughter her.

Lindzi C – Instead of the limo, she comes in on a horse.  He’s into her and she clearly made a good first impression.

The first cocktail party begins and women are already professing their love for him.  It’s freaking awesome.  Ben says he’s not focused on finding a wife, just looking for love.  Good for him.  I like him more with every minute which means when he is a pig it will piss me off.

Rachel lets Ben know she quit her job of 5 years to be there.  She’ll be crying soon enough. Nicki is over the top in love, which is creepy, but does not tell him she is divorced which is lame.  She talks around her history, which I think will be her undoing.  I’m not into her.

Lindzi gets one on one and he is totally into her.  She has really big teeth and there is something about her that is a little off.  I could be wrong, but I’m probably not.  She’s a mean girl deep inside, just wait.  Plus, did she change the spelling of her name to stand out?

Ben chats with the Grandma and Brittney, then walks her to the car.  Ben is adorable with the Grandma and has no interest in Brittney, but can’t dump her now because he’ll look like a schmuck.  Grandma saved Britt tonight but it won’t last.  She’ll be gone soon enough.

Blakely is rocking a massive wrist tattoo.  It creeps Ben out so she’ll be out.  The chicks are playing soccer, dancing, and doing a bunch of weird crap to get his attentions and time with him.  What is so fascinating is that I can actually smell the desperation through my television.

Emily does a rap about love and disease and it’s horribly wrong.  She lets us know she has a gangster side, but not so much.  If you are going to do a lame song, and know it will get you attention, then why not brush your hair? Especially when there are models around you.

Courtney, if you need to tell him you are normal and nice, then chances are you are not normal or nice.  You are a mean girl and I can’t wait to see you spin a web.  In the house Jenna is becoming unhinged because of Monica. She is seriously losing her mind and it’s perfect.

Monica is saying she is not in love with Ben after 5 minutes, and Jenna thinks it’s wrong because Monica should know right now if it’s love.  Monica and Jenna are insane.  These too are the Ali and Vienna of this season, only better.  They will get roses because the producers insist they do.

Monica is hammered and hitting on Blakely.  A serious full on I want to make out with you pass.  It’s hilarious.  Blakely is clearly scared and it’s fantastic. Monica is in love with a chick and Jenna is losing her mind.  She asks the camera how to maintain sanity and it’s on!

Jenna is talking to anyone who will listen about what a bitch Monica is. Jenna writes a blog about love?  She appears to be having a nervous breakdown in front of our eyes.  She tries to sound smart, but she sounds crazy.  How did she pass a phsycologal test?

Jenna goes to talk to Monica, Monica is not getting Jenna, or understanding what she wants from her, and Jenna’s head is about to fly off her body.  Jenna is mentally unwell.  She is also a horrible fake crier.  These chicks are wasted and don’t seem to care that we are all watching.

Ben has absolutely no chemistry with Jenna, and she pisses him off at one point so you know he will keep her.  She is good television and they will force him to keep her. Jenna is now crying in the bathroom not sure if she can do the show.  Choo Choo!  The crazy train has left the station.

Jenna is saying that she gave everything and I am screaming in delight. Meanwhile Ben gives the first impression rose to Lindzi.  She reminds me a little bit of Christine Taylor.  Or maybe it’s Marsha Brady, but there is something familiar about her.  The other girls are pissed.

It’s time for the first rose ceremony and Jenna is not there.  She is still crying in the bathroom and unable to pull it together.  She eventually comes out and watches the girls from the hallway.  She is not just reality TV crazy, she is seriously needs meds crazy.

At the rose ceremony Amber B., Amber T., Holly, Shira, Dianna, Lyndsie J., and Anna are sent home.  Monica and Jenna make it through because Mike Fleiss is a genius and he knows what we like.  Based on the first night I choose Jamie as my top pick.  I want her to find love.

Hearing the girls who got the boot say they are losers and complete failures is really sad. Watching them cry is really funny.  It’s one night ladies and if this is what makes you a loser then I can assure you that you were losers before you got there and did nothing wrong.

It’s going to be a great season.  We will love it, hate it, praise it, and mock it. We will believe in love and be disappointed when it’s not found.  We will pick sides, favorites, and winners.  The Bachelor is back and Ben is a keeper. I will be honest, harsh, hopeful and bitter. 

This is my favorite show to blog about and so I’m exited it is back.  I love it so much that I think I might actually hate it.  Searching for love is a brutal thing so bravo to these women for allowing us the joy of watching them crash and burn.  I am in and keeping it real.

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