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Jewish Journal

The Bachelor is Back

by Ilana Angel

January 8, 2013 | 7:15 am

I love this show and have been waiting for it to come back.  I watch with hope as love is searched for.  In watching the first episode of Sean’s turn as the Bachelor, I find myself not caring about it at all.  This show moves slowly, is scripted by what I assume is teenage girls, and the fakeness is too much.  I’ll watch the first show, but blogging will be hard.

I will try of course because I know there are loyal readers who like my take on this show, but know this is going to be rough and my liver will suffer. Sean is lovely and I want him to find happiness, but at 21 minutes in I’m already bored.  The cheesy music, predictable B roll, sappy voiceovers and stupid visit from Arie is too much. Drink #1 has been made.

Chris Harrison needs to find a new job because he is too old to be doing this. He is annoying and while he was cute in the beginning, he is now embarrassing himself.  I think he is lame and brings nothing to the show.  He is like an old worn out shoe and what we really want is a stiletto that is going to bring some color and a touch of sex appeal to the Bachelor process.

Time to meet this season’s seekers of 15 minutes.

Amanda: Model.  Never going to happen.
Ashley H.: Model. Never going to happen.
AshLee F.: Organizer and foster kid. One of my top 3 picks.
Ashley P.: Hair stylist and sex maniac. Never going to happen.
Brooke: Community organizer.  Never going to happen.
Catherine: Graphic designer. One of my top 3 picks.
Daniella: Made up job. Never going to happen.
Desiree: Bridal consultant. One of top 3 picks.
Diana: Hair stylist and single mom. Never going to happen.
Jackie: Makeup counter girl. Never going to happen.
Katie: Yoga instructor. Never going to happen.
Kelly: Cruise Ship singer.  Never going to happen.
Keriann: “Entrepreneur”.  Never going to happen.
Kristy: Model.  Never going to happen.
Lacey: Student. Never going to happen.
Lauren: Journalist.  Never going to happen.
Leslie H.: Poker Dealer. Never going to happen.
Lesley M.: Political consultant.  Never going to happen.
Lindsay: Substitute teacher. Never going to happen.
Paige: Jumbotron operator.  Really? Never going to happen.
Robyn: Engineer. Wiped out. Never going to happen.
Sarah: Advertising chick with one arm. Never going to happen.
Selma: Real estate. Never going to happen.
Taryn: Health club manager. Never going to happen.
Tierra: Looks like crazy Courtney.  Never going to happen.

The big surprise is that Kacie B., the cute girl who got her heart broken by Ben, is here for a shot with Sean. It is all a little weird and I think that although she is cute, her coming her makes her a total loser.  Her parents are freaks and her coming is lame.  She’ll make a fool out of herself and be gone soon enough.  Poor thing.  Let the humiliation begin.

Some of the introductions of these women had me in stitches.   When Robyn fell during her gymnastics entrance I was howling.  That one is a Jumbotron operator is hilarious.  The scripted rose to Tierra as soon as she got out of the car was classic. She enters the house and everyone immediately hates her. One chick asks if she came to the show with the rose. Perfection.

The cattiness begins almost immediately and I am getting sucked in.  Sean talks to Kacie and again, weird.  Desiree gets a rose and I am happy for her. She is cute.  Sean is handing out roses as he goes and it is flipping chicks out.  The panic sets in and I am loving it.  Chicks are having time with him and not getting roses, which is awesome. Nice change up for the show.

Lindsay is hammered.  She came in a wedding dress, which is not funny, but she is so plastered that she is slurring, giggling, and begging for kisses. What a hot mess this chick is.  She is watching at home right now cutting herself and her dress into a million little pieces.  Sean is mortified by her and the entire thing is cringe worthy. No rose for you Drunky.

Important to note that the yoga chick has painfully unfortunate hair and should have gotten a Brazilian blow out before she got there. Ashlie P. is wasted and I am digging the drunk chicks.  Ashlie is talking about getting married and her mom loving Sean and watching her crash and burn is a great pay out for sitting through two hours of this train wreck.

Taryn is the first to cry and I want her to go home.  She says she is not the type of girl to fight over a guy.  Really? Then what the hell are you doing on this show?  It’s all about fighting Sweetie so you need to go home.  Sarah is worried she will get dumped because she has only one arm. I feel for her but shut up already. She talks to Sean about her arm situation.

I think this is sad.  In her insisting that he not feel uncomfortable, she is making us all really uncomfortable.  Now he has to give her a rose so she is not the chick who got dumped because she has only one arm.  She says the rose validates her and I’m dying.  If getting a rose on a reality scripted show validates you, then you need a great therapist and a drink.

It is rose ceremony time.  Translation: Chris Harrison is going to try to put us to sleep.  There are 26 women, 12 have roses, 7 roses are left, and 7 chicks are going home.  Sean gives his sincere and scripted speech letting them all know he is thankful they came and he is sorry he needs to send some of the ladies home.  Let the dramatic music begin!

Seven chicks are out and all crying.  I can’t even remember who they are so I can’t tell you who it was, but who cares anyway.  This show is about public humiliation and backstabbing until the final 4, so we just need to bide our time until the love part comes into play.  Luckily for us there are just enough freaks to keep us entertained until it gets interesting.

It is going to be a long and difficult couple of months, but I will watch and try really hard to blog it.  Two hours a week is painful but with the right drinks I feel confident I can do it.  Love will be found as it always is, but it will be interesting to see if it sticks.  Sean is a decent guy so all we can hope for is that he does not become affected, and manages to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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