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The Bachelor Double Blog

by Ilana Angel

February 6, 2013 | 8:07 am

I have been complaining for a very long time that this show does not need to be 2 hours long each week.  It is simply painful to sit through so much crap, and blogging it is near impossible.  It is only through the constant support of my friend Merlot that I am able to do it.  This week however, the folks at The Bachelor have lost their minds and crossed over into hell.

They are showing 4 hours of The Bachelor this week.  FOUR hours.  Really? How is it possible these people can torture the very people who watch and support their crapfest?  It is asking a lot of their fans.  By fans of course I mean we only really care about the last hour of the season and all this fluff and crap is ridiculous.  I am frustrated, annoyed, and drunk.

The remaining desperate women are off to Montana for the first leg of the travels to find love.  Lindsay gets the first date and they take off in a helicopter.  Lindsay you’ll recall got out of the limo on the first night in a wedding dress and almost blew it.  She is now a frontrunner.  By frontrunner of course I mean Sean is making all the women think they are the one.

Lindsay has never felt so close to someone and feels like she has known him forever.  If forever means two weeks, then yes.  If forever means how long we feel we have been watching this garbage, then yes.  Sean seems awkward with everyone and has obviously been cracking open the Harlequin Romance novels because everything he says is scripted and fake sounding.

The amount of kissing we are asked to watch, including the slurping noises and tongue thrust shots, make me itchy.  Lindsay and Sean are making out while the group date card arrives to the lodge.  Everyone else is going except for Jackie and Tierra.  Tierra is a freak show and Jackie is invisible so I’m surprised she is even still there.  This show is so predictable.

Sean and Lindsay get their country music concert and I’m ready to check out.  The thing is, the bottle of wine is next to me and the remote is too far to reach so I am stuck blogging, drinking, and wanting to jam shards of glass into my eyes.  Instead of ending my misery, I am now watching a competition that involves a bunch of complete silliness.

The winners get to spend the rest of the day with Sean and the losers go back to the lodge.  They have to canoe, move hay, the milk a goat and drink the milk.  Really?  I am not drinking goat milk straight from the goat for anyone.  Especially when there are still 11 chicks making out with the same guy.  These women are desperate and embarrassing themselves.

Sean decides he needs all the women there and invites the losers to join them.  Not cool.  If I drank goat milk to win and had them then included I would be pissed off.  The winners are angry, the losers are thrilled, and Sarah gets a few minutes with Sean.  I honestly just don’t get him keeping Sarah around.  They are not a match and have no chemistry.

The losers are talking about how Sean bringing them back shows his character and how wonderful he is.  Really?  Sean had nothing to do with it. It is scripted girls and he was told to do it. He does and says nothing without being told. Meanwhile Tierra is getting crazy and goes to hunt down Sean. She was fun in the beginning but now she is lame. Enough already.

Tierra talks to Sean and it is gross.  That she is still there is insane and proves that Sean is, while attractive and sweet, a complete dumbass.  Sean is telling each of the women the same thing.  They are all frustrated and he assures them all they are in the running.  Dear Lord make it stop.  I wish I had trained my cat to bring me the remote control.  Damn it.

You can swap out the women with Sean and it does not matter because it is all the same.  Daniella is crying because she feels left out and I want to kill myself. He tells her what he tells everyone else, then they kiss.  Crying clearly works because Daniella gets the date rose and she was on the losing team.  The bitches are going to start to turn on each other.

Jackie and Tierra are on their double date. One will stay and one will go. Since Jackie is invisible and Tierra is the token crazy, Jackie is going home so we can skip over the whole thing.  Important to note that Jackie tells Sean Tierra is crazy and we all know that Sean is not into the tattling.  Poor Jackie.  She spent no time with him yet cries at the loss of love.

Sidebar:  Tierra tells Sean that her last love died of an overdose and while tragic and sad, I’m not buying it.  It is cocktail party time and desperation is the name of the game.  Everyone takes him aside to plead their cases and I am bored.  They need to get new people and stop recycling the Bachelor. We need fresh blood so we can stop with the “I’ve been there” crap.

Robin confronts Tierra on having two faces and Tierra is not into it. Mean girls are out so Robin can start packing.  Tierra is a professional crazy and these chicks are not qualified to handle her.  Tierra is taking Robin down a notch as Sean walks through but he’s not getting it.  Tierra says getting engaged is easy.  Poor girl is seriously unstable.  I’m over it.

Sean does not know what to think.  Well Sean, that happens when you are really, really dumb.  He is now all upset because the nagging is getting on his nerves and sucking the joy out of the experience for him.  Blah, blah, blah. He is going to follow his heart.  Translation:  He is going to let go who the producers tell him to cut loose.  I hate this show.

Chris Harrison is talking to Sean and I am yanking my hair out one at a time. I am not listening to what they say, but rather paying attention to my liver, which I can actually feel dying.   Chris tells the fame whores there is clearly tension and it is due to the fact that Sean is taking it all so seriously. Dear Lord.  How can I sit through another 2 hours?  HOW?

Robin goes home, I am going to bed, and will awake tomorrow with a fresh bottle of wine and ready to tackle it all again.  By ready of course I mean plastered.  We are being teased with a near death freezing and of course some Tierra drama, but honestly I can hardly bring myself to care.  I only care about the last show so why do I bother with this crap?

Night two begins with Canada and so I’m thinking I might be able to suffer through it all.  I am a proud Canadian and have spent a lot of time at Lake Louise so seeing it is wonderful.   The girls are all there, Sean is recovering from his difficult past week, and the madness is on again.  Catherine gets the first one on one date and it is on.

Catherine is waiting out in a blizzard, classic Canadian, and I am wondering why she didn’t color her hair before she went on the show.  They are heading to Jasper to see glaciers and I am so jealous.  It is freezing out, snowing, and she says she never gets cold when she is with Sean.  Really?  I am 5 minutes in and am guessing it will be a 3 glass of wine night.

They are in an ice castle and it is insanely romantic. Catherine is in love.  The date card arrives to the hotel for the group date and Daniela does not get the next one on one, Des does.  She cries because she is confused and I am laughing.  You are confused Sweetie, because you are dumb.  Bless your heart.  Catherine is rambling and I am bored again.

Catherine explains that at 12 a friend died in front of her at summer camp. Shocking and heartbreaking, but total buzz kill. Dear Lord.  Catherine gets a rose, they make out, and it is time for the group date.  They are going to canoe across the lake and listening to Sarah talk about the struggles of canoeing with one arm being worth it for Sean is uncomfortable.

How is it that they could not canoe when they had their challenge last night, but are darting across a lake now?  They are going to now run into the freezing cold water in order to join the Polar Bear Club.  Sean tells them they don’t have to do it if they don’t want to, but he hopes they will.  This is ridiculous and I would not do it.  What a load of crap.

Selma is not doing it and even though Sean is pressuring her, she is not doing it and even calls the Bagdad card.  Love it.  The rest of the ladies all do it. There is a lot of screaming and celebration while Selma sulks a little.  Sean is having a moment with AshLee then strolls over to the tent where Tierra is dying.  She is rushed off by the medic and it is quite scary.

She could be faking of course, it is Tierra.  The dramatic music is hilarious, and the camera guy chasing after them gorilla style to not miss a thing is making me pee.  She is fine of course, and bless her I’m sure it was rough, but enough already with the hysteria.  Sean goes to visit and it is stupid.  He is not into her and the Producer’s needs to cut her loose already.

They are all together for a drink and everyone is proud of what they accomplished.  Everyone is taking him aside to profess their love and it really is quite entertaining.  Like getting a root canal is entertaining.  Sarah’s hair is a mess, but she brings a family picture to show him.  She is talking about her arm again and I am so over it.  No arm, we get it.  Move on.

Tierra drags her dying body out of bed and heads to the party.   Everyone is talking about her of course and the editing would imply that they drink as much as we do when they put this show together.  They call her Tierra-ist, which is fantastic.  Everyone is pissed off she is there and you know her days are numbered.  I hope she goes tonight.

Leslie gets the group date rose and Tierra is visibly pissed off.  She almost died!  Sean realizes that he has been leading Sarah on and feels bad so he goes to send her home.  She was never going to be it and to listen to him blow smoke up her ass is bad.  She is crushed, he is uncomfortable, and she goes home.  About time asshole.  Sarah is darling and it is horrible.

Sarah’s departing speech is tough and I knew this would happen.  He kept her too long.  He felt sorry for her and in the end broke her heart.  Not cool.  Des is on her date and I have never seen anyone so excited about the thought of a picnic. This show sucks. They are going to propel off a mountain. She is scared, I am sticking my straw under my fingernails.

Des talks of how poor she was and that she lived in a tent and trailer park as a kid because her parents had no money.  It is sweet and how she talks about her childhood is really lovely.  I am not getting soft and refuse to buy into this garbage.  Pouring more wine! Des gets the date rose, Sean blows smoke up her ass, they make out, and we are moving on.

It’s cocktail party time and everyone is complaining about Tierra.  Again. Selma didn’t jump in the water, but she gives him a kiss and in so doing brings shame and humiliation to her family.  AshLee talks about being abandoned and I am rolling my eyes.  They are all so desperate and embarrassing themselves for a man they don’t even know.

Tierra gets a rose and it is brilliant.  By brilliant of course I mean scripted. Selma embarrasses her entire family with a kiss, then gets the boot. Daniela never got a one on one date and she is shocked to be cut.  Really?  He spent no time with you Sweetie, you were never getting a rose.  She reminds me of Busy Phillips and her crying is giving me a headache.  

Sean is down to six and so the end is in sight.  They are leaving my beloved Canada and heading off to St. Croix.  AshLee will try to get Tierra kicked off, which will make him like Tierra more.  It is exhausting. Four hours of The Bachelor is just too much and I will be sending my rehab bill to Mike Fleiss.  I will be back next week, drinking, and keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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