February 14, 2012 | 9:01 am

The Bachelor Belize Recap

Posted by Ilana Angel

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We have reached the point of the season where every single thing Ben does annoys us, and we realize how truly weird he is.  He is not a catch, he is a pig. He is not romantic, he is slutty.  He needs to wash his hair, stop pretending these fabulous dates have anything to do with him, and grow up.  He is making all of his decisions with his little friend, not his head.

We are in Belize, which is gorgeous, and hearing Ben talk about it like he is a native makes me want to chew on glass, as that will be more entertaining.  I am once again amazed by what these poor girls are willing to do to end up with this man.  This show is a nightmare but I cannot get enough of it.  Love will not be found so why are we so invested in these pathetic kids?

We have 6 women left and tonight we go down to 4 with hometown dates next week.  Chris is in Belize explaining how the show works to the girls because none of them have ever seen it and have no idea what is going to happen.  These girls are really dumb and don’t get that we watch because it is crack, not because we care about Ben or his fake girlfriends.

Lindzi gets the first one-on-one date and as she puts on her makeup I find myself screaming at the television for her to brush her hair. This chick refuses to brush the back of her head.  Nicki is having a meltdown in the first five minutes and so you know there will be drama.  By drama of course I mean the need for me to drink to numb the pain of this show.

Ben and Lindzi head off in a helicopter and we listen to the sappy music while Lindzi tells us how in love she is with a complete stranger she has known for a couple of weeks and spent a few hours with.  It’s very romantic.  They head out to a coral reef and are going to jump from the helicopter into the water. Really?  She is terrified but she is going to do it for love!

Who would really put aside all of their massive fears to jump out of a helicopter for man who is making out with five other women?  Someone desperate with no real sense of self would be my guess.  Lindzi tells us if you love someone enough you can do anything and I am laughing, pouring more wine, and thankful I am not young and stupid.

Its time for dinner and it’s hilarious because they are walking along a pier, come across pillows, blankets and candles when Lindzi asks if it is for them.  Really?  No Lindzi, it is for another date in the middle of the night for another couple that is selling their dignity for fifteen minutes of fame you silly girl.  These people become less entertaining every week.

Lindzi has a weird annunciation problem, and her hair looks like crap, again. Their date is lame, and the letter in the bottle activity would be sweet in real life, but here just looks ridiculous.  Lindzi is annoying me to no end, and back at the house Emily gets the next one-on-one date and Courtney is crying and bitching about how sad she is that it’s not her.

Emily getting a date is stupid because he is not into her.  She complained about Courtney and he’s can’t get past it, but is being forced by the producers to take her out.  She is funny and a little quirky, but there is just no way he is keeping her.  Too much time has passed for him to catch up with her, but he will make out with her because he is a complete pig.

Ben and Emily are going to catch their own lobsters for dinner and Emily says she loves how spontaneous Ben is.  I cannot stop laughing because every step this man takes, and every word he says, is planned out. There is nothing spontaneous about him.  Watching the lobsters get caught is disgusting to me and I’m skipping over the carnage.

Back at the hotel Courtney is crying about how sad she is Ben is giving Emily, who was so mean to her, so much attention.  If you mute your television during this part and make up your own dialogue with Courtney talking about what a loser she is and that she cannot believe she is there getting famous, it’s much more entertaining than what she is really saying.

Emily tells Ben she is sorry she wasted so much talking about Courtney by talking about Courtney.  Back at the house Courtney is being a spoiled brat and totally grossing out the other women.  Courtney is a troll with a weird mouth and she is nauseating.  I also think she is bi-polar.  She is whining, then laughing, then crying, then being a cocky bitch.  Total whack.

Kacie B is the sweetest girl but even she is having thoughts of killing Courtney which is fantastic.  Courtney is talking about how she needs to see Ben or she is not going to accept a rose. As if.  She would sleep with him for a rose. Wait, she already did.  She is playing the game, manipulating Ben, and convincing him she is good when we all know she is evil.

Courtney is telling Ben she has lost the spark and it’s so transparent that you have to wonder exactly how stupid Ben is.  He tells her she is weird, and he is weird, so they are perfect.  Ben is a moron.  There is no nice way to say it, or spin it differently.  Ben is a moron and it would appear that right now he is picking Courtney which is proof this is show is lame.

Courtney and Ben go for dinner and I am on my 2nd glass of wine.  I think chewing glass would be more fun than watching this show, but I keep watching.  Courtney is a freak and I imagine quite dirty.  She has a weird mouth and a weird voice, and needs to be medicated to control her mood swings.  Courtney is playing the game and winning.

Courtney shows her second personality to the camera, out of earshot of Ben, and we see exactly how unwell she is.  The other girls get a date card and the three remaining ladies are going on a group date.  The girls are trashing Courtney, which is cool with me.  Nicki, Kacie B and Rachel are the group and Courtney is lying her way into Ben’s useless heart.

Courtney is blowing smoke up Ben’s ass and he is buying every last drop of what she is selling.  Ben says his biggest fear is falling in love with a woman that nobody likes.  Really? That is your fear moron?  Courtney is evil and that you are meeting her family tells us that this show is rigged for drama and has nothing at all to do with finding love.

Ben wakes up the girls at 4 am to take them swimming with sharks. Seriously?  Who is going to swim with sharks to impress this loser?  They are shaving their legs, running around with morning breath, and off to humiliate themselves by showing the world how completely desperate and lonely they are.  Dear Lord why do I buy into this show?

Ben is telling us that swimming with sharks is the key to a relationship, or some other bull crap.  Rachel is not into it, Nicki and Kacie B are game, and this show makes me want to cut myself.  I would not swim with sharks for George Clooney let along a lame ass like Ben.  What are these women thinking? You know Rachel is going to do it, then get dumped by Ben.

Rachel, Nicki and Kacie B are begging Ben to give them a rose and it’s gross. They all dump their feelings all over him and he does not appear to be listening to any of them.  I’m skipping over the begging because it is making me sick.  They are not in love with him, they are in love with love. His kissing all of them is repulsive and the group date rose goes to Kacie B.

Nicki, Rachel, and Kacie B tell Ben he needs to watch out for Courtney because she cannot be trusted.  So now everyone there has said Courtney is bad, and Ben is fearful he will love someone nobody else likes, but everyone is telling him they do not like her, which means she will get a rose.  This show is predictable and pathetic and has nothing to do with love.

The girls are all stressed out about getting a rose and Courtney is going an and on about how Ben is not the only guy in the world and not their only shot at love.  Courtney is a skank and I don’t believe a word she says.  It’s fascinating that Ben keeps her around.  Chris Harrison comes out and says there is no cocktail party because Ben has made his choice.

Ben comes out and tells the girls he needs to talk to Courtney alone for a minute.  She skips off with him while the others are freaking out.  Ben wants Courtney to assure him she is there for the right reasons.  Really?  Do you think she is going to tell you the truth?  No Ben, I’m here to get famous. Ben is dumb and Courtney is staying.  Hearts are about to break.

Kacie B, Nicki, Lindzi, and Courtney are getting hometown dates while Rachel and Emily are sent packing.  They do the mandatory ugly cry and look in disbelief, which is hilarious because they both knew they never had a shot in hell.  Emily was a tattletale and Rachel was closed off.  No big surprises here but the crying is awfully entertaining.  Sad, but super funny.

Next week is the hometown dates and it’s always interesting to see where these people come from.  There will be lots of thoughtful pauses and bad acting and the only good thing about this week is that we are one week closer to being done.  Ben was a stupid choice and all good feelings I had for him are gone.  I could care less who he picks, and that is keeping it real.

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