July 31, 2011 | 11:25 pm

Ridiculous Bachelorette Ashley Steals Two More Hours From Our Lives

Posted by Ilana Angel

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A train wreck worth watching?

“The Men Tell All” special aired on Sunday night as an appetizer to the main dish, which is the finale on Monday.  It is sad that ABC dragged this out for four hours when the whole thing, both the men spilling the beans and the final rose, could have been done in an hour.  The only thing more pathetic than four hours is that we all watched it.

The recapping on this train wreck is insane.  We are shown the same things over and over again.  If The Real Housewives are a crack addiction, The Bachelorette is cheep street heroin.  I am not only embarrassed I watch this show, but mortified that I love it and still think it can work.  My name is Ilana and I am a sucker for love.

By sucker for love of course I mean I no longer watch this crap fest because I like it, but because I am paid to write about it.  If reality television is what the world is judging us on, we’ve got bigger problems than the debt ceiling.  This show does not work, is harmful to women, and is all about fame whores trying to get their 15 minutes.

Chris Harrison refers to Bentley as the most hated man in America.  Not so much.  I dug him and thought he was great TV.  Even after everything she went through, and the truth she now knows, Ashley says Bentley was only in it to win.  How dumb can this girl be?  He could have won and he left because he was not into her.  He’s a no-show, and leaving was the win.

Harrison is recapping stuff we did not see and it is painful.  We see JP break furniture and learn that Ashley snores.  We see that Ames is really great and Mickey suffered genital mutilation on his date.  Then Chris says the audience noticed her fruit bowl in Hong Kong had a banana that looked sexual.  Really?  They are desperate to fill 2 hours.

The producers of this garbage are bastards.  Just as we are excited to know this is FINALLY over, they show us 10 minutes of The Bachelor Pad, which begins airing next Monday night.  Dear Lord give me strength because I loved it.  I’m in.  I shall watch and I shall blog.  This show is disgustingly fantastic and I, along with mandatory bottles of wine, will be watching.

After 33 minutes we finally get to the men telling all. Watching men act like women is gross.  From Ryan’s cheerleading personality, to the mask guy, to the guy who trashed her at the roast, it’s lame.  The funniest guy is Tim the drunk.  He’s quite entertaining and it’s a shame he bailed so early, although I get the drinking to make listening to Ashley possible.

They spend a lot of time talking to William.  It’s not just me who makes fun of this poor girl.  The editors are clearly on a mission to humiliate her.  My blog is quite gentle compared to how they have treated her in editing.  I think William is a putz.  By putz, of course I mean fame whore.  He was never into Ashley, only into getting famous.  Epic fail.

Ryan P. tried really hard to secure his spot as the next bachelor and it looks like he may have done it. He’s sweet, saving the planet, and a good looking guy, so good luck to him.  That said, if he’s chosen I’m probably out.  He’s either an actor or the sweetest guy on the planet and should not be given a shot.  Who am I kidding?  If he’s in, so am I.

Ames is either the sexiest man in America, or a serial killer who will snap at any moment.  I love him.  He also freaks me out a little.  I think he should be the next Bachelor.  He is charming, smart, romantic, funny, chivalrous, classy, and about 20 notches above any other Bachelor they have ever had. That said, he’s probably too smart to sign up for this crap.

I am bored out of my mind and we still have 30 minutes to go.  So they bring Ashley out.  She is wearing an insane amount of make up and is still in need of some chapstick.  She keeps saying “like” and after one minute the tears are coming.  She is spray tanned to the max, but it stops at her wrist. She is orange everywhere but on her hands, which looks weird.

I feel like I have been watching this for 4 hours and there are still 20 minutes to go.  They bring back Jason, Deanna and Alli.  Really?  Who cares about these people anymore?  Alli has nothing of interest to say and her voice gives me a headache and so I am going to fast forward over her.  She is just as dumb as Ashley, and bores me.

Deanna?  Who the hell is Deanna?  I barely remember her so why is she there?  Jason?  Really?  This whole alumni section is really stupid.  We don’t care what these people say, and I would rip off my toenails with pliers if it meant this could be over.  Make it stop!  Even the bloopers are a waste of time and at least they should be funny right?

Tomorrow is the finale and Harrison keeps saying that “hopefully” Ashley will pick someone.  What the hell does that mean?  There is a recap of JP and Ben and she says she could marry them both.  Blah. Blah Blah.  We have all just thrown away two hours of our lives on a “reality” show that is completely unrealistic, and makes no real attempt to keep it real.

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