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Real Housewives of Orange County - The Messy Drunk

by Ilana Angel

April 21, 2014 | 7:37 pm

Heather is pretentious, Vicki is delusional, Tamra is immature, Shannon is miserable, and Lizzie has not appeared yet. They are fascinating TV. Not necessarily good TV, but certainly fascinating. They are all pulled tight and look unnatural, but that is what we expect from Orange County. It looks like it will be a season of crazy.

We start this week with the final scene in Hawaii. Vicki tells Heather and Tamra she loves Brooks and they are still seeing each other. Vicki is the most successful moron on television. That he would threaten her child, and she forgives him, is something I don’t understand. No man is worth giving up the respect of your kids for, and certainly not a douchebag.

Tamra says Vicki stays with Brooks because she wants to prove everyone wrong. I think she stays with him because she is an idiot. I’m bored with the whole Brooks thing. He is a loser and while I love Vicki, she is a loser for staying with him. Vicki says she doesn’t know what to do and asks for answers. Here’s a thought, value yourself and dump his ass.

Back in the OC, Shannon is getting her kids ready for “Cotillion” class. It is an etiquette class her family has gone to for generations to learn manners and dancing. This is a painfully dysfunctional family and there is no way this marriage will make it through the season. We just met them and I’m predicting a separation by the reunion.

Jumping to Tamra, she is with boring Eddie. This is another woman who seems to have picked a man over her children. To clarify, Simon has been after her for years and he is on a mission to humiliate her. That said, she is focused on her work and her new husband, not her children. I like Tamra and feel for her, but her choices are odd.

Tamra is throwing a scripted Halloween party because her kids are with their dad. Tamra is getting ready with Vicki and says Heather is bringing a friend. How is it Shannon is “friend” when she met her once for a scripted introduction? This show is silly. The party looks fabulous but it is women only, along with a couple gay men. Who cares?

Vicki and Shannon hit it off immediately. Heather wants to talk about being an actress but Shannon wants to talk about how her marriage is failing. She is bitching and complaining and doesn't even know these women. Heather wants the taro card reader to tell her she is getting an acting gig and Tamra says she was called for that show too. Perfect.

This party is a lot of work to be so boring. Massively disappointing from a watching point of view. We head over to Shannon’s house and it is uncomfortable. Shannon’s husband David cannot stand his wife. She wants to talk and he wants to start up the grill. She tells him she wants to invite the group with their husbands so they can all meet.

They can't even agree on what to serve. It is awkward and their decision to do reality TV was idiotic. Back to Vicki, she is with her rude and ungrateful son Michael. He is a pig and his need to embarrass his mom is gross. Vicki is talking about how close she is to her kids but they clearly don’t treat her well, so there is a major disconnect.

Shannon, Tamra, and Heather are having dinner and she invites them for dinner. Shannon had jewels placed in her teeth for holistic benefits. Shannon is weird. Not kooky and free spirited, just weird. Heather refers to Shannon as “people like you”, which Tamra thinks is tacky. Strippers in Mexico aren’t tacky but this is? Dear Lord she's dumb.

Tamra says she wanrs a baby with Eddie and the reason is to fill the void of not having her kids 50% of the time. This cannot be good for her current legal situation. Who has a baby to replace a baby? Shannon tells Tamra to talk to Eddie, Heather says Tamra is not a communicator. Shannon has got Heather’s number, which is awesome.

Vicki is meeting with her therapist and I am rolling my eyes. I do not believe in televised therapy so I’m not watching. Important to note that Vicki is crying with no tears. YOU ARE NOT REALLY CRYING!  Time for Shannon’s party. Flowers have arrived and she is managing her staff when her husband arrives with two bottles of wine.

She is berates him for the glaring error and sends him out to get more wine and champagne. He explains he tried to call and she shuts him up. Heather and Terry are getting ready and they try way too hard to be entertaining and in trying so hard, look ridiculous. Everyone arrives and Vicki brings a friend because everyone hates Brooks.

Shannon is belittling her husband, Terry is calling his little girl a bitch, Tamra loves that Shannon has a fancier house than fancy pants Heather, Shannon hammered, and David wants to slit his wrists. I would love to be a fly on the wall in their house as they watch this episode. I’d need to be two flies since I doubt they are watching it the same room.

Shannon is yelling at David in the kitchen while everyone in the living room listens. She is belligerent and this won’t end well. It feels like we are watching something we shouldn’t which is fun, but feels dirty. I like Shannon but feel sad she chose this path to try to fix her broken marriage. She should've stayed off TV and worked on keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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