I am bored. The show has been on for 30 seconds and I am bored. It was a boring season and that they felt they could drag this crap out for a 3 part reunion is hilarious. By hilarious of course I mean I am drinking to get through. I honestly do not know how people watch this without a drink. It is margarita time. We start with Alexis talking about how big Jim’s penis is, so lets make it a double. I am going to vomit before this hour is up.
They talk about Mexico. It was gross the first time so who cares? They talk about Tamra’s difficult past and since I am not buying it, who cares? I don’t doubt that she had a rough time, but I think she is using it to reinvent herself, make excuses for who she is, and to get a wedding special. I just don’t believe her. I think she might be full of a little bit of crap. By a little bit of course I mean mounds of crap.
Important to note that while Tamra is crying, with no tears, she throws her kid under the bus and says he struggles with depression. I think that is shitty. Her kids have been through enough without her talking about them publicly. Gretchen pipes in that she encourages Tamra to keep talking about it, and I am laughing. Gretchen is an idiot. She is a fame whore and I think she is hideous. I also think she is kind of a whore whore.
Andy is seriously trying to create something out of nothing and it is almost funny. Gretchen looks horrible and her face is painted on. Sadly paint does not seem to stick properly to Botox. Gretchen says she was not bothered by watching Jo and Slade make out. Really? The only way that does not bother her is if she is not a real woman. Wait….. maybe she is telling the truth. Maybe Gretchen is really a man in drag. I would not be surprised.
For the love of God, they are talking about Malibu Country again. Nobody watched that show, which is why it was cancelled, so why this is a big deal I have no idea. Gretchen is talking nonsense about Alexis, and Tamra, and Heather, and Malibu Country, and I want to swallow glass. Gretchen pulls out emails and texts and starts quoting Tamra. The fact is that they all lie, none of them like each other, and this is a paycheck not friendship.
Alexis says nobody likes her and she should just go home, which was funny. Sidebar: I went to an event for Alexis last week and it was interesting. Her publicist invited me and said if I came I could interview Alexis. I’m not really a fan of hers, but I think she is harmless so I agreed to come if I could also interview her fashion design partner Tal. I was told I could so I made the schlep to Orange County because I was curious.
I’m not really sure how to blog about my visit. Tal spent 20 minutes talking trash about Alexis. She threw her under the bus and then when she was under the wheels, she kicked her a few times. She said nothing flattering about her, in fact, she spoke a lot of crap. Alexis has, according to Tal, nothing to do with the line, has no talent or taste when it comes to designing, and Tal does it for the money and exposure, and thinks Alexis is an idiot.
Cut to Alexis, who I will say is absolutely stunning in person, and she was with her husband Jim, who was supportive of her and said he was very proud of his wife. Alexis was lovely and spoke beautifully about her family and her faith. She has not been one of my favorites, but was kind and harmless. She spoke about Tal with compassion and thanks so I don’t really get what goes on between them. I will write about it when I figure it out!
Back to the reunion, they are talking about Malibu Country again. Dear Lord. I want to impale myself so I can pass out from the loss of blood. Heather reminds everyone that she is the only actress, and Gretchen whips out the phone so we can all hear the voice message from Malibu Country offering her the job, the job that only Heather is qualified for, because Heather is the only actress. Did you get that? HEATHER IS AN ACTRESS.
Everyone is now screaming. Gretchen is liar, Heather is ridiculous, Tamra is screeching, Lydia is invisible, Alexis is of no value, and Vicki has never been so quiet for so long in her entire life. Gretchen says she wants to be friends with everyone and Alexis calls her out saying she is friends with who she needs. These chicks do not like each other and don’t even try to lie about it. How can this show continue when there is such hate?
They are talking about Alexis using the word bully and I need for this to be over. Alexis calls Gretchen a liar, Gretchen says Alexis is fake on camera, then everyone tells Gretchen that they think she faked the engagement to Slade for the cameras. It is freaking hilarious. They all say the timing was for TV and it was fake. Gretchen is hurt, then she cries, with no tears and no facial movement. This is insanity and I am having another drink.
We are now forced to listen to Gretchen sing, and watch Slade cry at the good fortune of finding a woman dumb enough to marry him. Gretchen cries, with no tears, at the sight of her fake engagement and I am laughing. She wants a TV special, bless her heart, but we don’t care about her, or Slade, and if Bravo is going to throw any money their way it should be for Grayson's medical bills, not the wedding of a pig to a whore. I’m not going to watch.
The fake crying is just too much. Her face is frozen, Tamra comes over and gives her best constipated face, Heather backtracks, Vicki chimes in, then Gretchen says she was most sad that Alexis was not at her engagement. Then Alexis cries and Gretchen immediately turns off her cry to be mean to Alexis. For the love of God this show needs to go because it sucks ass. That said, I will be back next week doing what they can’t, keeping it real.
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