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Jewish Journal

Real Housewives of Orange County RECAP

by Ilana Angel

July 7, 2014 | 7:18 pm

Tonight's typos are generously sponsored by Captain Morgan.

I keep watching this show even though I don’t find any of them particularly interesting or relatable. I suppose separate of each other they're interesting, but having them lumped together, when they don’t even like each other, is weird. Vicki is using Shannon for camera time, and Tamra is dreaming of a baby she is never having. Lizzie is miserable, as is Shannon, and Heather is the only person who likes Heather. Ugh. We are still in Mexico.

Brooks is making a deep toast, which makes my skin crawl. Vicki is the “Mayor of Puerto Vallarta” and therefore jumping on a bar to dance. Classy. Watching these 50 somethings up on the bar is hilarious. By hilarious of course I mean nauseating. Bless their hearts. At the end of the day Vicki is being a great friend to Shannon. Somewhat delusional in terms of her love affair with Brooks, but still a lovely friend. There are moments I really like Vicki.

Jumping to Tamra, she is still carting around a fake baby. For the love of God, make this storyline end. Eddie doesn't want a baby and won't change his mind. Your eggs are poached Tamra, so move on. Eddie and Tamra are fighting, and including Ryan, which makes Tamra think of Simon. Maybe it is not Simon or Eddie, but actually Ryan who is the problem here. The crying fake baby is putting me over the edge. I might start skipping over Tamra.

Heather is out for dinner with her husband and kids, talking about how important family time is, while she struggles to pay attention to her kids. Four kids is hard, and I respect that, but she is paying more attention to her cocktail than her kids. Not to worry because the nanny swoops in and takes the kids out for desert. What happened to “family time”? Why not take the kids for dessert yourselves? Heather might be fun if she owned her privileged life.

She is faking it, and we can tell. Heather wants to get a dog, Terry is hilarious about it, Heather gets an attitude, probably from the 24K gold pole shoved up her ass. Back to Mexico, they're going horseback riding and Vicki has arranged for David and Shannon to have alone time. Shannon is neurotic about the ride, in a funny Jewish New Yorker kind of way. I like Shannon. If she could stop crying, bitching, and embarrassing her husband, she'd be fun.

Over to Lizzie, she is at a store trying to sell her swimwear line. Lizzie sounds more professional talking to the confessional camera than she does to the shop owner. Bless her. She is not interesting but I wish her well. She shouldn't be on this show. Jumping back to Mexico, David is appreciative of the lunch Vicki set up for him and Shannon, but Shannon is annoyed and would rather nap. She is a lunatic and just does not get what she is doing.

They're on the romantic lunch and she is complaining about her insecurities. Why can’t she just enjoy the time with her husband? I don’t know how he stands it. She beats him down incessantly. She is crying and I can’t take it. She says one thing, but does another. He is hitting a wall and finally says he is too old to be wasting his life. He wants to be happy and she is not making him happy. That they allow this to be filmed is sad for their kids.

Shannon is essentially begging him to love her and it is heartbreaking. Shannon needs to be in therapy. He is telling her he loves her and wants to work on things, and she is telling him she does not think he loves her. It is very sad and a shame this is the legacy they are giving their kids on film. If she can just listen to the truth, not the voices in her head, they will be fine. As for the show, they are exhausting and watching it is not fun. It’s not even interesting It is simply painful and uncomfortable and should be private.

Back to Tamra, they are sending their fake baby back and call the company to get a report of how they did. Eddie tells the fake baby woman that he definitely does not want a kid. Tamra says she has always been planning on them having a kid, which is lame because she is too old to have another baby. They fail the fake parent test, Tamra fake cries about it, and Eddie says she can breastfeed him. These two make me sick. I’ve said it before and will say it again, if there are no tears, it is not crying. Stop fake crying Tamra!

Sidebar: Listening to Heather bitch about how Terry proposed, on a flight to Paris, makes me dislike her just a little bit more. Which I thought was impossible. Bravo. It is time for the final supper in Mexico. Odd to me that they’re not sitting next to their partners, but across from each other. Brooks starts the dinner conversation by asking who in the group they like the most, and the least. Really? How old is this freeloading dumbass? He makes me sick and his voice makes me want to shower for a couple hours.

David says they are disappointed in Tamra, and Brooks says it is a bone of contention between him and Vicki that she still talks to her. Whatever.  I’m bored with Mexico. Back in the OC, we are with Heather who is setting up a pen for two new designer dogs. Heather wants us to know her kids know about shelter dogs, and understand why they couldn’t have one. I wonder if they also know how pretentious their mom is. Freaking cute dogs. Mazel Tov to the Debrow kids on getting their puppy mill dogs.

Time for Tamra to have a scripted visit with Vicki. Tamra is a horrible friend. She is blaming Heather for the gossip about Shannon, when she is the one who told her. Vicki is handling it perfectly. I am seriously loving Vicki these days. Tamra is really dumb, Heather is really mean, Lizzie is really boring, Shannon is really broken, and Vicki is really fabulous. Go figure. Next week Shannon’s slow and painful mental breakdown will continue and I’ll be watching, drinking, and the only one who will be keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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