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Jewish Journal

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap

by Ilana Angel

May 27, 2013 | 7:30 pm

We start this week’s episode of The Real Stupid Whores of Orange County with a scripted “friend” visit for Tamra and Heather.  I am disappointed in what a pretentious bitch Heather has turned out to be.  Damn these reality television Jews for always being icky. Whatever. Tamra is throwing Gretchen under the bus for being preoccupied with the car that she unknowingly bought for herself at Heather’s TV shoot.

Heather is complaining about her husband and seemingly blessed life. I’m bored.  Cut to Alexis, who serves no purpose on this show, having a scripted visit with Lydia.  Clearly Lydia was brought in so someone would shoot scenes with her. Alexis just may be the dumbest woman on television.  She says Lydia could make her happy about her dog dying and I am laughing.  She truly is dumb and completely useless and ridiculous on the show.

Lydia tells Alexis they all just went to the taping of Heather’s guest spot and Alexis is annoyed but intrigued.  She is an actress now so she likes to hear about her peers.  Seriously, I am laughing so hard I might spit out some of my wine, which would be a heart breaking waste of the nectar that allows me to watch this garbage. Lydia is advising Alexis to make nice with everyone and Alexis is not interested.  Praise God.

Lydia lets Alexis know God would want her to forgive and move on, but Alexis is not sure God is sending her the same message. These chicks crack me up. Over to Vicki, she is having lunch with Brooks. Brooks makes me want to stick bamboo under my nails.  He is creepy, she is creepy when she is with him, and we learn they are not on a break, but seeing each other a few times a week.  They are awkward and I am so not into it.

Vicki is going to talk to her daughter and get her to accept Brooks.  They try to make plans to go away and it is pitiful.  These two need to call it a day, both for their relationship and being on the show.  Time to visit with Tamra who is meeting with a communications expert because she is speaking at a woman’s exp about being an entrepreneur.  Oh. My. God. The expert is going to help her make her speech. I am now drunk.

Lydia is heating canned soup for her husband and bashing her mom again. Poor Judy.  Come here Momma and I will smoke pot with you.  Lydia is sweet, but would be cuter if she took the pole out of her ass, and ate with her mouth closed.  I like Lydia and her husband, which I didn’t think I would. She needs to just light one up with Mommy.  I don’t have a pot smoking mom so I don’t get it, but still, pot is better than meth.

Gretchen and Slade are going to try to have a baby.  Dear Lord.  Slade has had a vasectomy and is going to reverse it. She is being tested to see if she is ok for pregnancy, and making a fool out of herself.  She is as dumb as she is pretty.  Actually, she is dumber than she is pretty.  Turns out she is fine but getting old, his vasectomy is too old to reverse, and they will jump to IVF so she can give her loser the “gift of a baby”.

Vicki is going to babysit her grandson so Briana can go out with her husband, who is going for 3 months of training, followed by 11 months in Afghanistan. God Bless him for serving and God Bless her for being stuck alone with her mother for a year.  Ryan comes out in his uniform and I don’t know if it is the clothes, or Memorial Day, but I cried.  I feel so proud of him and of all the men and women who protect our freedom.

Terry and Heather are out for a special night. He is apologizing, she is bitching.  He is funny, she says he is jealous.  These two are fake.  Who humiliates her husband like this?  Why make us think you are such a bitch? We now think she is entitled and ungrateful.  Lots of women are waiting in line to make him happy so she needs to get a grip.  He writes her a beautiful card, she reads it on camera, and I am over them.

Time for Alexis to do a scene on her own because she has no friends.  Of course she is also plugging her new business, reminding us how fabulous her husband is, and I want to cut myself.  Sidebar:  I love the Bravo commercials for the summer with all the Bravo celebrities, but in light of all the tragic ship accidents of late, the shipwreck theme is in bad taste.  Not cute and a little offensive. Just saying.

Lydia’s mom Judy is over to teach her how to make lasagna.  She uses the opportunity to bash her mother and tell her she was a bad parent.  I want to smack this little girl.  In a span of one second, she goes from telling her mother she sucks at motherhood, to telling her she is the best mom ever.  I think Lydia may be smoking a little pot.  She is confused, unclear on what she wants to say, and in the end rude to her mother.

Tamra is going to give her speech and her mother is with her.  She is trying to be funny and failing miserably.  Her dress is too small, heals are too high, and she is clearly constipated.  There are hardly any people listening to her. She then talks all kinds of depressing crap and I am not sure how that makes her an entrepreneur or successful. She was to inspire people, but instead is sucking the life out of the room and I am cringing.

This speech is important, but being given at the wrong place.  One woman gives her a standing ovation and it is a shame that a powerful moment is made to look ridiculous.  Important to note that I’m not buying it. Sorry. Tamra is trying to make us like her and in the end it is hard to like someone you don’t trust.  There is nothing appealing about her to me.  This show is lame, these women are boring, and not keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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