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Real Housewives of Orange County Pre-Finale Recap

by Ilana Angel

July 29, 2013 | 7:18 pm

I am not drinking tonight because the thought of Gretchen proposing to Slade makes me want to hurl and with the possibility of vomit so high, I am not prepared to waste any booze.  Tonight may put me over the edge, but I am doing it without my boyfriend Jose Cuervo.  Wish me luck!

Vicki has Lydia and Alexis over.  She remodeled her house and there are no remnants of Donn anywhere to be seen.  She is going to have a winter wonderland party to unveil her home.  She was inspired by Canada, which I get because I’m Canadian, but her party will suck.  

Vicki is inviting everyone but Lauri.  She is even going to invite Slade. She listens to a link from his radio show and hears him slam her looks again, but he is invited.  She is not taking his crap, but she is invited.  This show is so scripted that it is beyond ridiculous.  Vicki is not that bright.

Cut to Heather, she is telling her kids they have sold the house and are building a new one.  It is an “adventure”.  Translation: Insanely pretentious “actress” lets us know their movie theater has 15 seats, but this is not about size, it is about adventure.  Jews on reality TV are always lame.

Slade is listening to Gretchen’s song asking him to marry her.  He loves her singing but apparently cannot recognize her voice.  Why?  Because he is deaf from her singing, which is why he loves it so much.  We have watched this show for years but Bravo is punishing us. So not cool Bravo.

Slade is crying and at the risk of never living it down, when he tears up and asks if she is there, I cried.  I cannot blame the booze, which totally sucks. I cannot stand this couple, but his reaction is really lovely.  His cash cow has finally caved and is going to marry his loser ass.  Mazel.

Gretchen is dressed like what I think is supposed to be Marilyn Monroe.  I cannot believe Bravo paid for this shitfest. You know her purses certainly didn’t.  The amount of makeup she is wearing is laughable.  Slade is in the car to meet Gretchen and calls his mom.  Cute, but he’s a loser.

Gretchen has invited people to join them, but none of the girls. How can this show keep going when all the players hate each other?  The families arrive and yes, I laughed out loud at Slade’s brother’s hair. Slade gets into a helicopter and I’m annoyed we are forced to watch this garbage.

This is such a waste of money.  Bravo could have donated this money to the Princesses of Long Island so Casey could buy a personality, or Ashlee could get a private jet.  I find this whole thing offensive and laughable. This show and these women are everything that is wrong with reality TV.

Gretchen talks about losing Jeff, which is dumb.  She loved Jeff’s money, not Jeff. Too harsh?  No. Gretchen is talking about how much she loves Slade with flashbacks to what a loser he is, and again, her makeup is hideous.  She tells him he is perfect, she loves him, and will he marry her?

I can actually see him counting the dollar signs in his mind.  He is reading her lips and crying, and even if you hate these people, which we do, it is a beautiful proposal and I am happy for them.  I am sort of hoping he says no, but he gets on his knee and accepts her proposal.  Nauseating.

We cut to Tamra who is having her gym pre-sale event and it is sad.  The place is a mess, she is not ready to receive guests. Alexis arrives and her boobs look massive. Alexis is harmless and quite sweet. Who would have thought I would like her? I’ enjoy this show more with booze.

Back with Gretchen, the paid extras are excited for Gretchen and Slade.  We see Slade’s son Gavin, who is cute, and sounds just like his dad. I’m just not feeling this.  Sorry. Gretchen gives a speech and it feels fake and just not authentic.  Why am I watching> Why am I not drinking?

Gretchen calls Slade’s brother the swamp version of Slade, and their mom will pay $100 to cut his hair. Nice. Next week is the season finale of this mess and I am beyond happy about it.  The party at Vicki’s is getting set up and I am having a glass of wine.  I simply must.

Vicki tells her decorator she wants her winter wonderland to be a bit more Mediterranean.  Vicki is business savvy and life dumb.  Everyone is getting ready for the party/finale.  Whatever.  Tamra is comparing Eddie to Simon and I am now chugging wine to get through the next ten minutes.

Slade tells Gretchen she is beautiful and she says it is because she hasn’t had crazy surgery. Okay.  They are not going to talk about the engagement so nobody wrecks it.  Whatever. Heather and Terry are heading over and she is still mad at Gretchen for not respecting she is an actress.

Alexis and Lydia are heading to the party and Jim is going.  Wow.  Lydia hates Slade and talks about it.  Tamra thinks there will be conflict with Gretchen and it is lame.  They are going to shoot the finale and nobody wants to see anyone.  This show really needs to call it a day.  We’re done.

Vicki’s dress is unfortunate. Tamra gives Vicki a friendship gift.  Whatever. I like Tamra, but pretty sure that will end when her wedding special airs.  I love Lydia, love her mom, love her husband, love it all. Vicki tells the girls she is going to be with Brooks.  I am now really drinking.

Everyone is there but Gretchen.  Tamra says she picked a wedding date and Alexis says that a lot of water has happened under the bridge with Gretchen.  Gretchen arrives and we are done for the night.  Next week everyone will fight, Slade will get kicked out, and it will be over.

All good things must come to an end, but in the case of the housewives of Orange County, they are no longer good and have overstayed their welcome. This ending needs to be forever, not just a season.  Time to clean house and start over.  Losing the garbage is the only way to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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