Jewish Journal

Real Housewives of Orange County – Oy Vey Recap

by Ilana Angel

June 30, 2014 | 7:33 pm

Tonight's typos are generously brought to you by Benadryl.

I say “Oy Vey” a lot. By a lot of course I mean several times during the day. Everyday. That said, I have never watched a Real Housewives of anywhere episode where I said it more. Oy Vey, these women are nuts. Oy vey, are they kidding right now? Oy vey, why am I watching? I could go on and on. I should have kept count of how many times, but since I didn’t, I will guess. Keeping in mind I am hopped up on sinus and allergy medication, my guess would be 32. Seriously. Oy vey!

We start at Shannon’s where she is serving dinner to her kids. Her husband gets home and they pack for a weekend in Mexico with Vicki and Brooks. Oy vey. They seem awkward together, which I get, but that they would do this on television is something I don't get. Shannon has been crying about protecting her kids from rumors about her marriage, yet she is talking about it on the show. Nonstop. She is excited about the trip and hoping it gets them back on track.

Over to Heather, I just can’t with this chick. She is unappealing. She says she is not a good cook like she had to tell us. Oy vey. She's brought in a personal chef to cook dinner for her family because she is simply too busy to cook. She’s an actress you know. Heather is still gossiping about Shannon, this time to her assistant. Heather is not at all sorry about throwing Shannon out of her house, but is very concerned about Shannon and Vicki in Mexico together.

Interesting Heather is such a stickler for being appropriate when her children chew with their mouths open. Jumping to Mexico, Brooks is there and they're waiting for Shannon and David to arrive. Cut to a conversation with Tamra telling Vicki about the email, but asking her not to say anything. Oy vey. Tamra is a backstabbing bitch and I feel bad for Shannon that she trusted her. Vicki, knowing about Shannon’s marriage, thinks she and Brooks can help them.

To clarify, Vicki calls her relationship with Brooks “normal”. She can’t do anything with him and her kids, and she hardly sees him, but that is normal. Is Shannon going to rekindle her love in Vicki’s condo? In the room next to Vicki banging Brooks? Oy vey. David suggests it is tight quarters with Vicki’s son on the couch and offers to go to a hotel. Vicki’s having none of it and won't let them go. I feel like breaking them out of there. Poor Shannon can’t get a break.

Back in the OC, Tamra is doing laundry with her robot baby. The baby Eddie doesn't want, and will not lift a finger for. Dumbass. Eddie is going for a two-hour bike ride and Tamra wants him to take the baby. Eddie hates the baby. Tamra says the baby was for them to see if they wanted a baby, failing to remember he never wanted a baby. Eddie leaves and Tamra tells the robot baby his dad sucks. Not a stretch to think she told her real kids the same thing.

Back in Mexico, Vicki’s brother has arrived. Shannon didn't sleep in the closet Vicki put her in, so Vicki’s brother Billy gives them his room. We head over to Lizzie and I don’t get it. She is not interesting and all she talks about is how busy and full her life is. I’m guessing there is not a lot of sex happening there. Lizzie is bagging on her husband and all I can say is Oy vey! These women are humiliating their husbands and no good can come of that. I feel bad for the men.

I think Bravo’s next show should be “Reality Divorce Court”. We can follow the divorces of reality stars. Lizzie is talking about motherhood, how some days she prays for strength, and then she cries. It is touching. I feel for her, but also roll my eyes because we've all done it. I raised a son and built a career with no emotional or financial support from a husband so while I know she is tired, she needs to stop complaining. Everyone is different, but less whining would be good.

Time for ocean fun in Mexico. Shannon is trying, bless her heart. She doesn’t like the water because there are fish in it. Oy vey. Vicki plans lunch on the beach and David is being great, yet Shannon is talking about how he is being “fun David”, when normally he is not fun David. The bitching is relentless. Shannon tells Vicki she likes to spend time with him, and he says they don’t have common interests. This marriage is between two strangers. It is sad and shouldn't be on TV.

Shannon is pouting, David has no idea what he did, and it is awkward. Oy vey. Heather is visiting Lizzie who is in awe of how Heather does it all. Heather hires people to do it all. She is too busy being an actress to do it all. Going to Heather for advice, when Heather leads an incomparable life, is lame. Heather is a princess and more interested in hearing her own voice than offering wisdom. Lizzie is now full on bitching about her husband and it is fascinating. Oy vey!

Vicki and Shannon have gone to town. Vicki is smoking and Shannon is getting sick. Oy vey. Vicki tells Shannon that Tamra wrote her she was in trouble, but Vicki does not say that she also knew through Tamra. Tamra is a horrible friend. Shannon tells Vicki about her visit to Heather’s house and how she kicked her out. Vicki is sympathetic and understanding, but blames Heather for all of it, then finally comes around to blaming Tamra. Good for Vicki.

Vicki says she doesn't trust Tamra, yet does not tell on her, which speaks volumes about Vicki. Like her or not, she is a good friend at least she is today. Over to Heather, the chef has cooked what they want us to think is a second meal, but he has made the same food. Same broccoli, same friends, same chicken. The editing sucks ass and so does the pretention level Heather operates at. She is now watching her episode of Hawaii 5-0 with her kids. Oy vey.

Heather is watching herself get beat up with her little kids looking on. Terry is talking over her dialogue and she is angry. Terry forgets one must respect the craft. HEATHER IS AN ACTRESS. Back in Mexico, they are out for dinner. Brooks says deuce instead of dos and we are instantly reminded he is a moron. Shannon is complaining about David again, in front of everyone. She gets defensive, David is confused, and we are watching this marriage implode.

Shannon goes to the bathroom and wallows in self-pity. Vicki tries to support her, Shannon insists nothing is wrong with her marriage, goes back to the table and tells David not to make her look like a bitch. David is mortified and I hate watching his embarrassment. Shannon says she'll do anything to fix her marriage, which is hilarious, because she'll do anything but stop bitching and hacking away at the spirit of her husband. Ugh. What the hell is she doing?

We are watching a show on her last breath. Vicki thinks she is in a great relationship, Tamra thinks she is a great mom, Shannon thinks her marriage is fine, Lizzie thinks she is interesting, and Heather thinks we care about anything she says. Oy vey! No to all of it. In the end this show is sad. Sad that it is no longer entertaining, sad that they are gasping for breath, sad that we are still watching, and sad that we waiting for them to start keeping it real.



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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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