Jewish Journal

Real Housewives of Orange County Jail

by Ilana Angel

June 10, 2013 | 7:03 pm

We are still in Mexico for Tamra’s bachelorette party.  It is a bachelorette party for a woman with no wedding date, and a man who is not sure he wants to marry her, but here we are.  It occurs to me as I watch this show that it should be shown in prison.  Convicts should be forced to watch this crap over and over again.  That is real torture.  Surely there is a jail in the OC that is using this tactic already.  

Vicki, Tamra and Lydia have dumped Heather and Gretchen, and gone out dancing.  Gretchen is pissed, Heather is worried, and the others are hammered.  Vicki did this on purpose to screw over Gretchen, which thrills us all to pieces.  Vicki is a maniac and that Gretchen is going to cry is entertaining.  Tamra is plastered, Lydia is not invested, and Vicki is gloating.

The drunks get home and go into Heather’s room.  She is not mad, just disappointed, then Gretchen joins and she is livid.  Tamra is trying to be serious, but she is laughing and the more upset Gretchen gets, the more Tamra and Vicki laugh.  It is just too funny. Gretchen was complaining about Vicki making the weekend about her, but now she is making it about her. These old hags are behaving like teenagers and it is embarrassing.

The drunks move to Tamra’s room and are laughing at how distressed Gretchen is.  Vicki laughs and pees herself.  Literally pees herself on Tamra’s bed.  Really?  This sloppy and vindictive drunk has just peed on her friend’s bed and I am dying.  My first margarita of the evening has been poured. Cut to the morning and Gretchen has a pole shoved up her ass, Vicki is still gloating, and the girls are off for a stressed fill fake weekend.

Important to note that Gretchen’s fake laugh makes me want to shove jalapeños down my throat.   As they ride through town Vicki points out they are where they got drunk, and the fun begins.  Lydia tries to talk about it, but it blows over.  They go see a bull and matador.  This is the dumbest bachelorette party ever.  They are like a bunch of old ladies now, which means they will be a bunch of skanky whores later in the show.

Three, two, one, here we go.  Heather is being a bitch and Lydia is not interested in any games.  They screwed up by leaving them, but need to move on. Gretchen is now fake crying and sucking all the joy out of the weekend and making it all about her.  She is hurt.  Poor baby.  Vicki thinks Gretchen is an idiot, and I agree.  The best part though is the poor tour guide who is sitting in the car with them wanting to jump out the window.

Vicki is over it and tells Gretchen to grow up and get over it, to which Gretchen responds by calling her a bitch.  The tour is over and they are now going to hang out by the pool. Why are these chicks wearing heels to the pool? Losers.  Gretchen arrives and gives all the girls a gift bag full of swag, and all the swag is her own crap.  I wonder how many of those things accidentally got left in the hotel room when they left for home.

It is now time for the after school special moment of the episode.  Gretchen and Tamra are going to go on a walk and Vicki is so jealous that she makes fun of it.  Gretchen uses every opportunity she can to tell the camera that Vicki is a whore.  That is going to blow up soon. Gretchen storms off, Tamra is not into the fighting, Tamra goes to support Gretchen, and Gretchen starts up with Vicki’s indiscretions.  Tamra is a bitch.

Tamra throws Vicki under the bus, and Lydia is normal one. Tamra is now crying, and Gretchen is relishing in being the friend chosen to witness Tamra’s breakdown.  In the blink of an eye Tamra is bitching about her horrible childhood and I am laughing my ass off.  This is all to get sympathy so she can get a wedding special, which she did.  I feel for her story, but really?  This is going down at the fake bachelorette party?

We are now forced to watch Alexis and Jim have dinner together. Seriously? NOBODY CARES ABOUT THESE PEOPLE.  They go into the restaurant and want us to think they are regulars.  Really?  They are not regulars because they have no money.  They eat ramen at home.  Alexis is talking about Mexico because apparently “Lydia” sent her a text about all the drama. Alexis wants another baby and Jim is not interested.

The fake party continues and everyone is making nice.  Strippers are coming and Lydia is not interested.  I really like Lydia. They are giving Tamra gifts and I want to cut myself. Heather gives her a pregnancy test and I am laughing because there is simply no way Tamra’s eggs are not poached.  If she has another baby it will be yet another child who will need years of therapy to get over the Real housewives of Orange County.

There are a lot of penises and dildos making their way into the evening so Lydia excuses herself.  Love her.  Heather throws in the token Jew “Oy Vey” and I am done.  Strippers arrive and I do not think it is entertaining or cute. All I can think about is their kids and that is sad.  These strippers are hideous and I would not touch them.  Tamra however seems to be digging it as Gretchen fondles their junk.  They are slutbags.

The party is over, morning has come, and they are all having breakfast in full makeup.  Next week we will see Brianna cry, Heather and Gretchen fight, and Brooks shows up while they are all together with Alexis and Jim.  Oh. My. God.  If this show being shown in prison does not scare people straight, then I don’t know what will.  This show grosses me out, but I watch. Why? Because I’m paid to.  That is keeping it real.



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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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