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Real Housewives of Orange County is a Scripted Mess

by Ilana Angel

July 28, 2014 | 8:18 pm

Tonight's typos are generously brought to you by Captain Morgan.

We are back in Crazytown and begin with Tamra, who is going for a walk with Vicki. They are in full hair and makeup, and Tamra is walking in Uggs. Ugh indeed. Tamra tells Vicki about Ryan marrying a woman he has known for ten minutes. Vicki can relate because Brianna eloped. Huge differences in terms of the mental capabilities of their children, but the same in that both wanted to escape their crazy moms.

Tamra wants to talk about Shannon losing her mind at Lizzie’s party. Tamra is shocked by what happened, which cracks me up because she is the cause of Shannon losing it. Vicki tells Tamra she owes Shannon an apology, but Tamra disagrees, saying Shannon is just like her 4 years ago. Really? Shannon is nothing like Tamra. Simon couldn’t stand Tamra and David clearly loves his wife. Tamra is an idiot.

Lizzie is having a 34th birthday party. She seems unhappy and I feel for her because she is married to what appears to be the most boring man in America. Heather is not going to the party because she is in Vegas. Lizzie is trying to be supportive of Shannon and it is odd to me all these women who do not really know Shannon, think they know her. We know more about Shannon than they do.

Over to Heather, she is planning a Valentine’s party and wants us to think she is a party planner. Vicki and Brooks, Shannon and David are not coming. By not coming of course she means they declined. She wants to have a fun game of Truth or Dare, and looks up sexual stuff to include, trying to be funny, but in the end not being funny at all. Heather needs to not try so hard and her having an assistant is hilarious.

Time for Lizzie’s birthday. She is in her party bus going to LA, but alone with her husband. I say alone because even when with him, it is like she’s alone. Bless him. Shannon calls to say she can’t come as she’s sick. Tamra calls to say she can’t come as her daughter’s sick. Very rude they both called at the last minute. Danielle is coming but will be late. Then sadly Vicki and Brooks get there. They are a party of four.

Vicki starts talking about Shannon and it becomes clear Tamra is a liar. Best Lizzie finds it out sooner rather than later. They arrive in LA for dinner. Don’t get it. It is a long way to schlep to a random location, are a party of 4 at a table for 10 so the table is half empty. Christian gives another toast, and again flops. He is harmless and clearly sweet, but he simply does not bring a lot to the table and is bland.

Vicki is still talking about Tamra, blaming her for the tension between her and Brianna. Vicki does not want to throw Tamra under the bus, but says that while throwing her under the bus. Lizzie is very disappointed in her dud party. Poor thing. Danielle never shows. Ouch. In the end I hope Lizzie realizes if they had all come her birthday would have been ruined, so it’s good none of the other hags showed.

Back at Heather’s, Tamra has come by so they can act out the script about a group trip to Bali. Tamra hasn’t had a honeymoon, and Heather has not had an anniversary trip, so they decide to go to Bali. Bravo sure does waste a lot of money on these bitches. They call Vicki, who has no idea where Bali is, but she is in. Vicki insists that they invite Shannon. That was her part of the script I guess.

They’re going to invite Danielle and Lizzie, but don’t want Shannon because she will have outbursts. Dear Lord. These two are hideous and disgusting people. Cut to Lizzie, she tells us Vicki called her and Christian “Dumb and Dumber”. Mean to be sure, but funny as hell. The truth is they’re not particularly bright people, but it is being said by someone who is not particularly bright and dating a douche.

Time to visit with Shannon. She is packing her daughter for a school trip to Italy. The stuff she buys is ridiculous but sweet. She has a ton of natural remedies and vitamins and it is disturbing. I don’t know if it is stranger that she is packing all this stuff, or that her daughter knows what it all is. Dear Lord. Shannon’s kids are really beautiful and she means well. In the end I think it’s cool to have a kooky mom.

Time for Heather’s pretentious Valentine’s Day party. Tamra is not wearing a bra, but should. Lizzie immediately starts talking crap about Vicki, saying she told her Tamra didn’t want to come to her birthday party. Tamra says she was home with her sick kid. Lizzie wonders why Tamra didn’t tell her sooner she wasn’t coming, but could’ve told said it without throwing Vicki under the bus. Lizzie is troublemaker.

They show a scene with Shannon having dinner with David and once again she is mean to him. If that marriage makes it through this rough patch I’ll be surprised. Shannon likes to eat healthy, but everyday she is talking a bite out of David’s balls, so I wonder if that is a high protein, low fat meat because she eats it daily. She is miserable and hell bent on making David as miserable as she is.

Back to Valentine’s Day, Eddie has flowers delivered to Tamra at dinner. Weird. They are magnificent flowers, and their first V Day married, but he should have had them sent to the house. They immediately move onto the trip, some possible lesbian action, and what they all predict will be a mental breakdown by Shannon. How convenient they are talking about the girls who aren’t there.

Heather is talking, intoxicated by her own voice, and I want to smack her. They play a lame party game and I’m skipping over it. Heather is a bitch and I’m not interested in her party. Important to note that Tamra, while in court to determine the custody of her children, tells us she does anal and her freak number is off the chart. I am mortified for the children of these women. How sad for them.

Back to packing for Italy, Shannon in annoying and David is counting down the minutes to get away from her. Shannon talks about her child getting her period, on camera, and I am cringing. These poor kids. They are off and we immediately jump to dinner for Tamra, Heather, Vicki, and Shannon. No good can come of this and I am tempted to tune out right now because I know it will piss me off.

Heather and Tamra are about to ambush a fragile woman and if Vicki does not get some calls and stand with Shannon I will lose all respect for her. I don’t really have any, but whatever is there will be lost. Shannon arrives and Heather gives a speech about salvation. Ugh. Shannon agrees to the trip and I must laugh at the editing because they’re leaving Friday while Shannon’s husband is still away. Not buying it.

Next week they will be in Bali and it looks like it is Tamra who is melting down not Shannon. I hope they call her out on her crap. This show is not that interesting and frankly kind of sad. They’re intentionally mean to each other and the deep seeded need to hurt one another is sad to watch, sad for their kids, and sad for women. It will be worth watching to see is Bali forces Tamra to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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