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Jewish Journal

Real Housewives of Orange County Hang in the Towel

by Ilana Angel

June 2, 2014 | 7:08 pm

*Typos are due to my banging my head against the floor begging for the show to be over.

We are 30 seconds in and I’m already bored. This show offers nothing new, just the same crap with new people. The new girls are interesting on their own, but when you mix them with the veterans, this show becomes stupid. It is becoming increasingly difficult to do my job of blogging reality television when reality TV sucks.

It is Christmas time in Orange County and you can smell the pretention through the TV screen. We start with Shannon and her family, who are shooting their Christmas card.  Heather is also shooting her holiday card. Heather has chosen a “back stage” theme. She is an actress so it totally makes sense. To clarify, Heather is an actress. Know it.

Shannon does not understand why Heather and her can’t get along and we are now going back and forth between both photo shoots. For the love of God. I am drinking wine but also contemplating banging my head against the floor. We leave the photo shoots to visit with Tamra, who is throwing out her own trash and waiting for her kids to get home.

Maybe Tamra should focus on her kids instead of making it impossible for us to believe she is a good mom. Tamra is consulting an anti-age specialist to restore her youth so her husband won’t bang young chicks at the gym. Her oldest son Ryan comes over and lets her know that even though he had a steroid issue, he is still taking HGH. Loser.

Cutting to Vicki, she is in Oklahoma looking at houses with her daughter and son-in-law, and not happy about it. She says how much she will miss Brianna, while Brianna talks about how much she will miss the help of her mom. Vicki wants her to live with her and have Ryan commute to Oklahoma. Vicki’s kids are now running away from her.

Vicki is bitching to Ryan about taking her daughter away and I cannot believe he does not tell her to shut up. Vicki is handling this wrong and very annoying. They are looking at houses and it is amazing what you can buy in Oklahoma for the same price you can buy a small condo in Los Angeles. Tornado vs. earthquake? Tough call on that one.

Time for Heather and Lizzie to have a play date. Heather is painfully pretentious. She talks about how much smarter she is than everyone else, and how much larger her vocabulary is, yet she says hang in the towel, not hang up the towel. Heather is silly. A silly actress who at the end of the day is not as smart as she’d like us to believe.

Heather is trying to be an advisor to Lizzie, then turns to gossip, wondering if Shannon is obsessed with her. Really? Shannon is not obsessed with Heather. Heather is obsessed with Heather. Back to Oklahoma, Vicki is sucking all the joy out of moving for Briana and I am going to fast-forward through all the scenes in Oklahoma.

Tamra is at the doctor to reverse her aging, and has taken Ryan with her. Tamra needs to start taking testosterone, which is interesting seeing as her balls are so big. Tamra rats out her son and says he is taking growth hormones. This relationship makes me sad for Tamra, sad for Ryan, and mostly sad for her young children.

Shannon is having a make-up party and though she invited many, only Lizzie and Danielle accepted her invitation. The girls get a tour of the house then sit for makeup and a bitch fest about Heather. Dear Lord. How old are these people? Shannon is miserable in her life and likes to be miserable with others. Bless her. Not good TV.

Time for more bitching in Oklahoma so I am skipping it.  Lizzie is visiting with her sister, who lives on the same street. She is thinking about a third baby. I am so bored. Heather calls Shannon and invites her out for a drink so they can fix the tension between them. Shannon is going in thinking it can’t be fixed, but bless her for trying.

The talk is going down and it is awkward. Heather is fake and Shannon is emotional. Shannon is explaining herself and Heather is correcting her. I can’t be friends with people like Heather. They beg to be punched in the face and I don’t want to disappoint my friends, so I would smack her. Because she asked for it. I’m a giver.

Are they seriously talking about the chair swap from weeks ago? I am going to impale myself and hope I pass out. Heather is jealous the other girls like Shannon more than her, which is the problem. As is required with all Housewife shows, teams must be chosen and I am firmly on Team Shannon. At least she tries to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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