I have been sick with a bad cold and sinus infection for a week. A drag to be sure, but also a relief because I was on antibiotics and could not drink, which made it impossible to watch the Real Housewives of Orange County. One should never attempt to watch this show without the help of merlot. These chicks are shrill, bitter, mean, nasty, made out of plastic, and a pathetic example of what it means to be a housewife. They are quite simply, hideous.
They are also boring. Nothing interesting has happened since the season started and the only reason to watch is to get a glimpse of Lydia’s mom Judy, who should get her own show. I missed two weeks of this garbage and so I must now do a double blog. This is the ickiest hour of television on Bravo. They were the first group to air, and they have truly overstayed their welcome. Time to go bitches.
Heather and Tamra are out for lunch with Lydia, who is wearing a headband that nobody over the age of 8 should be wearing. Lydia is turning out to be quirky, but totally likeable. Tamra on the other hand looks like she lives with chronic constipation and for someone who has had so many lip injections, her lips look very thin. She actually has the mouth of an 80 year old smoker. Interesting. Lydia is fair and kind. For now. This show will change that.
Jim and Alexis are doing their nighttime skin regimen and I want to vomit. They only shoot with each other because nobody else will film with them, so what are they even doing on the show? Watching Jim put on his moisturizer and Alexis take of her makeup is just too much. These people are annoying and not too bright. They also throw around God a lot and I have to wonder what God would think about these two. They never should have come back.
Vicki is talking to Ryan, her son-in-law and I find it ridiculous. This ungrateful kid is dictating how she lives in her own home and it is shameful. He is an ass and she is allowing him to rule her house. Very strange. I think both Brianna and Ryan should grow up and get their own place. Move on and move out. We jump from the losers, to all the glory that is Judy. This woman is fabulous in all the ways that reality television should be fabulous.
She is a pot smoking, fairy dust sprinkling, loving, and sweet mom. Unconventional to be sure, but bless her, she is a hoot. I don’t know anything about her, but she clearly has money, a drug problem, an open heart, and I would totally hang out with her. Lydia has an interesting outlook on her mom and I find myself liking her. To be clear, she is a freak and I could not be friends with her, but I like her, and think she is a lot of fun.
Over to Slade and Gretchen, I am not watching them. I think they are horrific people and I am disgusted by them. His son is seriously ill and he is not with him, while Gretchen cries and makes it all about how difficult it is making her life. I cannot stand Gretchen, think Slade is a piece of garbage, and I am repulsed by both of them. I have never had such an adverse reaction to people on TV. I might actually hate these two. For real.
Heather books a guest spot on a TV show and it is sad. She has become completely unappealing, not a good representative of Jews, and painfully unaware of how blessed her life is. She is spoiled, entitled, and bitchy. She is also in need of some plastic surgery and can get it for free, so let’s go Heather. We leave her Royal Highness and head over to dinner with Brooks and Vicki. Oh. My. God. Why oh why do we watch this show? It sucks.
Vicki loves him, he is annoyed by her family, and she cries. Dear Lord. Brooks says he would not let his kids dictate what happens in his house. Really? A bit of a stretch since he does not own a home, or appear to have a job, or support his kids. These two are a mess and I think it is sad. Vicki is the original housewife and she continues to humiliate herself. I would not buy insurance from her because she is a hot mess and clearly unstable.
Judy and Lydia are out for breakfast, talking about the joy of pot. I love me some Judy. Lydia is preaching about drugs, but whatever. She’s allowed. I don’t think for one minute that Judy has stopped smoking pot. Cut to Tamra, she is opening the offices for her stupid wives and wine business. I am not even listening to her talk about this business or Vicki because I am focused on how obvious it is that Eddie is over Tamra and wants out fast.
Heather is out for dinner with Terry and their kids. She complains about how crazy her schedule is, while simultaneously castrating her husband in front of their children. They fight in front of the kids, bring them into their fight, and I am sad watching it. Heather is a bitch and has become all the things she said she hated about the women when she started. She needs a kick in the ass and a reality check on how blessed her life is. For real.
Heather is now getting ready to go out with Terry, and rehashing their fight. That she is willing to do this on camera is gross. She won’t let it go. He is funny and charming and loves her, but she is feeling neglected. She is bitching, again, about how hard her life is and he cuts his toenails during the whole thing. I don’t understand public castration, and I think she is insane, but he is a bit of a dumbass and does not know when to stop.
He should be embarrassed that his wife is humiliating him, and she should be embarrassed that she is such a bitch. Cut to Tamra who has organized a wine tasting trip to Malibu. Eddie is more about riding his bike than being with her and you have got to ask, how long will this charade last? He is just not that into her. He needs a shower and a shave. They are repulsive and I am mortified for her children that this is the legacy she is leaving for them.
Everyone but Alexis is on the wine trip. Lydia gives a get well card from her son to Slade’s son, to Gretchen. Retched gives the card to Slade. Yes Slade, who is on a wine tasting trip while his son is in the hospital. Douchelord. Tamra is talking about wine like she cares about it, and nobody else cares. Vicki is an idiot, Heather is a snob, Eddie cannot wait to get away from Tamra, and Lydia is wondering what the hell she is doing there.
Alexis and Jim are on. I am skipping it. Vicki is using her baby voice to talk about how lonely she is and how horrible it is to be party of one. Really? Stop being an idiot and maybe you won’t be alone. I am now digging Lydia’s husband too. These are very sweet people. They are a little odd, but who isn’t? They are young, have a strong sense of faith, and are going to get beaten up by these fame whores. I hope they make it out alive.
Lydia supports Alexis, while everyone else bashes her. Heather is talking about her guest shot on a TV show and again brings out her dirty laundry. Tamra is mean to Vicki, talks in code under hew breath to Gretchen, and we are reminded that none of these people like each other. It is enough. This show needs an entirely new cast, or even better, Bravo needs to let them all get on with their sad lives, away from the camera. Seriously Bravo, enough.
Cut to the next day and Eddie and Slade are late for brunch because they are on a bike ride. Eddie would rather ride for 6 hours than be with Tamra. Ouch. Terry wants to make a public declaration of love to his wife, and instead it is about him apologizing for raining on her parade. She cannot be gracious and kind, instead embarrasses him and will not let this go. She has lost her mind. She is bashing him on camera and it is lame.
Terry says he mentioned divorce. Dear Lord. These people are out of control. Vicki makes it all about her, then Heather starts crying. I want to stick a piece of glass into my throat. Tamra is annoyed with Vicki, then Vicki bails to head back home. Tamra is pissed off and follows Vicki out, only to call her a bitch. I am now seriously thinking about breaking my wine glass but can’t bring myself to waste the wine. These people are ridiculous.
Tamra is bitching, Heather tells Terry she is embarrassed by his behavior, and he is apologizing. He didn’t really do anything, yet he apologizes all the time. Every time. This family better get a grip and leave this show before they end up in divorce court. Reality TV rips families apart and that they are letting it happen, and allowing us to watch it, is weird. Important to note my wine bottle is now empty and so relief may be in sight.
Brianna is visiting Vicki and complaining about how hard it is to be a mom. Really? I’m bored. Vicki is talking about the wine trip and I wonder how it is possible that not only did we sit through it, we now need to listen to Vicki recap it for us? Vicki is not into being friends with Tamra. They are not friends so walking away from her should not be hard. Speaking of Tamra, she is now out for dinner with Eddie. There is no chemistry between them.
Tamra looks much older than Eddie. Eddie is looking at her and wondering why he does not dump her and get a hot young girlfriend like Simon. Tamra is telling him she does not know how to communicate, hates being mean, and blames it on her upbringing. She says she hates to hurt people’s feelings and it makes her die inside when she does. I cannot stop laughing and I don’t think it is because of the wine. Tamra is a moron.
I watch this show because it is an excuse to drink. I also watch because I am paid to write about it. I am addicted to it like it is meth, and no good can come of watching this show, or doing meth. The only thing that happens is that we all get a little dumber, a little drunker, and a whole lot more irritated. I will keep watching of course. The truth is that you just can’t walk away from meth, or the real skanks of OC, so I’ll just blog, and keep it real.
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