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Real Housewives of Orange County Double Recap

by Ilana Angel

August 20, 2014 | 7:59 am

Tonight's typos are generously sponsored by Merlot. 

I missed the last two episodes of the season because I was on vacation, and it turns out I didn’t miss anything. These women are not interesting, completely predictable, and a waste of time. It is going to take a lot for me to blog this show next season. By a lot of course I mean cases of Patron. I will watch of course, because it is crack, but I don’t think I’ll waste my time or my liver by blogging it.

They are still in Bali. Poor Bali. Tamra is lying about lying and it is exhausting after two minutes in. There are two teams now. Tamra, Vicki, and Heather against Lizzie, Shannon, and Danielle. Why is Danielle even on this trip? She is useless on this show and only there to keep Lizzie company because Lizzie is an idiot and nobody has anything to talk to her about. Ugh. They are going on a tour of temples. Sorry Bali.

They’re rude at the temple, obnoxious while shopping, and the screaming is too much. Between the fish pedicure and the monkeys, it is embarrassing. This is why foreign countries think Americans are loud. Tamra and Vicki are particularly revolting. I am so over this trip to Bali. Bravo wasted their money sending these fools there. They did not appreciate it, did not enjoy it, and did not entertain us. 

They now split up and go to the spa, the pool, and a bike ride. All of them in full makeup. Who gets a facial with fake eyelashes and full makeup? These chicks are lame.  Danielle and Lizzie truly are stupid. Tamra and Heather truly are mean. Vicki and Shannon are the only two who should come back. Shannon because she is the only interesting one and Vicki because she is the OG and should be respected as such.

Lizzie is stirring the pot, Shannon is joining in, and while they are right about Tamra, this is not the way to go. Vicki is crying and I could not possibly care any less about any of this. They watch a special dance at the hotel and dinner is on. Vicki is being a baby and clearly putting a cloud over everything. Shannon apologizes to Heather and hopes they can be friends, Heather says she is not one to gossip. Oy vey.

Heather is a calculating bitch, more concerned with being on this show than having real relationships. She will be close to whoever she thinks will give her another season. She is talking about David saying something at her hoe down, I’m rolling my eyes, and having a shot. It was months ago. Heather appears to be on a mission to get rid of Shannon but Shannon should stay on the show over Tamra

Dinner is awkward. Tamra tries to get Vicki to go to the bathroom, but Vicki refuses, talking gossip about Tamra as soon a she leaves the table. Tamra comes back and all hell breaks lose. Everyone attacks Tamra and she storms off screaming. It is impossible to know who said what to who so if we only go by the footage we have seen, it would appear what they are saying about Tamra is true. These women have no loyalty.

The trip ends with Tamra blowing smoke up Heather's ass. I think both Tamra and Lizzie are lying. Vicki is telling the others she trusted Tamra, Shannon is keeping the hatred flowing and it is a shame because Shannon is right, just going about it all the wrong way. We now begin with the season finale. I am going to open a bottle of wine and try to get through it without impaling myself with the remote control.

Tamra is home with Eddie. He is going to dump her at some point.  She lets us know she left Bali on her own and not with the group. She flew 24 hours by herself? Not buying it. Over to Shannon, she and David are back on track and sleeping together again. Who cares? Tamra gets a scripted call from Heather. Eddie doesn’t want her to take the call, but of course she does. They talk about Bali. Again, who cares?

They've talked about the same things all season so rehashing the lies makes no sense. Bravo needs to back it all up with some footage or have these women shut up already. The reunion better clear up some of this bullshit. Vicki is having a party to end the season and people are not sure if they should go or what will happen. They’re going, as they’re contractually obligated. Why waste our time?

Shannon is telling David to apologize to Terry, Eddie is waiting forTamra to get off the phone, and I have finished a glass of wine in 5 minutes. Vicki is preparing her home for the party and it looks beautiful. Another waste of Bravo money, but still gorgeous.  Lizzie is getting ready, calls Tamra a sociopath and her husband is doing his hair in an attempt to make it look like he doesn’t do his hair. They need to go.

Heather is on the way, talking crap about Shannon. Shannon is going to the dinner with an open mind. Brooks arrives to Vicki’s house and I just can’t. He is gross and she is gross when she is with him. I am skipping over this. I do not find anything about this couple worth my time. I will point out it is stupid he arrives to the party through the front door. He was there the whole day so don’t treat us like we are dumb.

Vicki’s Spanx are showing and Brooks is crude. David immediately apologizes to Terry and we see footage showing Eddie was more offensive than David. He apologizes over and over again, but they don’t accept it. Heather and Terry are rude. This is not an appealing couple. David and Shannon on the other hand are lovely. I really hope Shannon is invited back for another season. Tamra not so much.

Tamra arrives last and the drama is about to begin. They sit down to dinner, Vicki makes a toast, Tamra ruins it, then Brooks goes to the bathroom and Tamra follows him. Creepy. She tells him she is sorry, Brooks is gross, and his voice makes me want to jump out the window. Tamra is a liar, Brooks wants to hug her, and the whole scene is a crock of shit. Tamra really needs to get fired and the hug is too long.

Tamra brings each couple a penis bottle opener. Really? This woman is a moron to be so unstable while she is in court having her child custody challenged. Tamra wants to talk about Lizzie again. For the love of God. Who cares? Tamra says Eddie wouldn’t touch Lizzie with a 10 foot pole. Um, yes he would. Eddie would tap that ass in about a second flat and that is what pisses Tamra off.

They are now all yelling over each other. Heather is aggressive, Shannon is classy, and I am exhausted. Heather is putting her word of the day app to good use. Her vocabulary is hilarious. What a pretentious twat. Terry is now yelling at David, being a complete asshole, and we are reminded the men are a waste of our time on the housewives shows and giving them any camera time is just stupid.

This was not a good season and not a good finale. Tamra is going to be a grandmother, which reinforces how stupid it would have been for her to have a baby with a man she is not going to stay married to.  Briana has moved to OK and Vicki is heartbroken. I’m not even going to proof read this blog because I can’t spend another second on this crap. Next week is the reunion so I will be here, drinking, and keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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