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Jewish Journal

Real Housewives of Orange County Crap

by Ilana Angel

June 18, 2013 | 8:33 am

There is a lot of hype about the fact that these women are about to celebrate their 100th episode, which is fascinating because this show sucks and never should have reached this milestone.  We can only blame ourselves. We watch, and they laugh at the fact that we are watching.  This show is bad, these women are pathetic, but here we are.  Time to jump back into the murky and infested water, so hold your breath.

We start with Lydia who is planning a salsa party so all the women can be forced to hang out together.  She calls Heather to get her to make peace with Alexis so they can all get along.  Heather acts like she is more of a housewife than Lydia and it is funny that she sells herself as an old timer when she is relatively new.  I don’t get Hearher, but I think that Lydia is a hoot and she is my new favorite OC cast member.

Vicki is with Tamra and we see signs of their old friendship, which used to be fun to watch.  Tamra is two faced and talks to Gretchen like they are the best of friends, then throws her under the bus with everyone else.  They are going to the salsa party.  Vicki is spinning all kinds of crap about Brooks.  We will never know what the true story is with those two, and more importantly, we will never care.  We don’t really care about any of them.

Alexis meets with Heather and I almost feel bad for Alexis.  She should not be here.  Nobody likes her, she is a bore, and it makes no sense.  Alexis does not know what Heather wants to talk about, then Heather says it was her idea to talk to Alexis.  Really?  Heather would never have spoken to Alexis had they not scripted for Lydia to ask her to.  This show is transparent and Heather wears way too much makeup for the daytime.

Heather is being a bitch and Alexis is calmly calling her out for bullying her in Costa Rica.  Heather is not going to apologize, Alexis is waiting for an apology, and this is stupid.  These girls behave like high school chicks.  To clarify, not the cool high school girls who were popular and cute, but rather the bitches that everyone knew would grow up to have money and dysfunctional marriages, desperate for attention.

Gretchen is talking to her Mom and I honestly find everything about Gretchen to be annoying.  She is a gossiping and tasteless whore.  She not only acts like a whore, but she looks like one.  She is the third idiot to hook up with idiot Slade, and when she talks about Slade and his son I want to punch something.  Gretchen is dumb, has no talent, is a horrible friend, and they deserve each other, but should not have a baby.

Over with Vicki, Ryan is getting ready to head off for training before going back to Afghanistan.  God Bless Ryan for doing what he does, and making such massive sacrifices to ensure our lives are safe and protected.  I cannot wrap my head around the life of those in the armed forces, and their families.  I have nothing but respect and admiration for every single one of them and keep them all in my prayers daily.  Thank you all.

It is time for the salsa party.  Lydia and her husband are fabulous and I am surprised to say it because I did not get them in the beginning.  In the end they are decent and kind people, who are also fun and normal.  As normal as one can be this early in a reality television career.  We’ll see if they remain that way, or end up like every other couple that has jumped on the train wreck of housewife fame.  I wish them well and hope they survive.

Vicki and Alexis are heading to the party together.  Vicki is going alone, and Jim is “working” and not coming.  Good for him for sticking to his word and not shooting with these lunatics.  Terry calls Brooks and invites him to come to the party.  Weird.  Whoever is writing this show is clearly high.  Oh. My. God. Is Judy scripting the RHOC?  That would be fabulous.  Everyone arrives, fake kisses, and pretends to like each other.  Bullshit.

Tamra brings Lauri and George, which is disgusting.  Lauri is a pig and that they have brought her back pisses me off.   Lauri is hideous and I hope Vicki eats her alive and drags her sorry ass back into the gutter where it belongs. Lydia is offended by Slade, welcome to the club.  Lydia may be petite, but she has massive balls and I love her.  She is not taking shit from anyone, especially Slade, who is a piece of garbage with no class.

Lydia says Slade is a douche, which has secured me as a fan for life.  Not matter what she does down the road, I will remember that she called out his being a douche and find a way to support her.  Sidebar:  I forgot to mention that Terry asking Slade to compare the sexual prowess of Lauri and Gretchen, is repulsive.  The men on this show are just gross and they need to step off and out, because they add nothing to show.  Nothing.

Brooks arrives to surprise Vicki and brings her flowers.  Stupid.  Brooks is a snake and I feel sad for Vicki that she is so insecure she thinks he is great.   Tamra and Brooks chat and it is dumb.  Vicki and Brooks are awkward together, have nothing to say to each other, and I am bored.  I am also about to run out of wine so we need to wrap this one up because if there is no wine I can’t do it.  Then we jump straight into the gutter.

Lauri, the gutter pig, tells Tamra that Brooks is sleeping with a 20 something hooker/stripper.  Really Lauri?  Lauri is a whore, who married a pig for money, and she is going to judge Vicki?   Enough.  The dancing begins, the instructor is fabulous, Eddie is the only one who can dance, Alexis is dancing with the instructor, and the shoes these chicks chose to wear out dancing is hilarious.  Brooks is drooling over Tamra and I have 3 sips left.

Gretchen and Slade are talking to Lydia’s husband Doug about having offended her, he is lovely in response, Lydia calls out Slade for being mean to Vicki about her looks, Gretchen is all over it, Slade is back peddling, Gretchen is speaking for Slade, Lydia is a rock star, and Gretchen is a loser. Then Lydia calls Gretchen Malibu Beach Barbie and it is official, I LOVE Lydia and it is not just because she is Canadian.  I just love her.

Cut to Tamra talking about going to buy her wedding dress, for a wedding that at the time was not even happening, and she invites all the girls to join her, including Alexis, which pisses off Gretchen.  Gretchen is all the things you don’t want in a friend.  She tells Tamra she won’t come to dress shopping if Alexis goes.  Dear Lord.  I am taking my last sip and grateful it is over because even wine won’t help these chicks keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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