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Jewish Journal

Real Housewives of Orange County Returns

by Ilana Angel

April 16, 2014 | 4:35 pm

The women of the OC are back without Gretchen and Alexis. Amen. I am thrilled those two losers are gone and look forward to how the new ladies will fit in. We have old timers Tamra, Vicki, and Heather, plus new gals, Lizzie and Shannon. Interesting that the front spot in the photo of the ladies goes to Heather not Vicki. It should have been Vicki.

We start with Heather and how rich she is. She is renting a house and wants us to know it is so small it could fit into the garage of her old house. Poor baby has no room to breathe. They are building their dream home and her husband Terry cannot handle their tight quarters. Why are Jews on reality TV always so pretentious and annoying?

Heather’s new house is about as ridiculous as she is. Cut to Tamra, she is now married to Eddie and working at CUT, her fitness studio. It looks like Tamra has had eye work done. She looks good in the same way a Barbie looks good. Eddie works at the gym too so they're together a lot and Tamra feels the pressure of being with a younger man.

Jumping to Vicki, she is in a huge house by herself and feeling lonely, so she has a kid from work living with her a couple days a week. She is still not sure what the deal is with Brooks. Translation: She is still sleeping with him, which is gross. This is an accomplished and bright woman who cannot seem to value herself in any real way, which is sad.

Heather and Tamra are working out and I can't stop laughing. They are in full makeup and Tamra is in a fur collar and side ponytail. Scripted workouts are lame. Neither of them have spoken to Gretchen or seen her in a long time. Gretchen did not give Tamra a wedding gift and Tamra says Gretchen is a narcissist who is dead to her. High school.

Heather is an actress. Know it. She is an actress and going to Hawaii to film an episode of Hawaii 5-0. She invited Tamra and Vicki. We learn Vicki’s divorce from Donn is finalized. They are going to use the trip to Hawaii to get information from Vicki about her pathetic love life. We are 15 minutes in and it feels like I have been watching for hours.

Vicki goes to visit her ungrateful and pregnant daughter Briana. Baby Troy is gorgeous and growing up. Briana and Vicki are fine as long as they don’t talk about Brooks. Vicki defends Brooks telling Ryan to hit Briana and it is repulsive. Vicki is a moron. Briana is moving to Oklahoma as Ryan has been transferred. Vicki is not happy about it.

We meet new girl Shannon when Heather goes to see her house to get ideas. Shannon’s house is huge, she is a fake blonde, has beautiful kids, and a husband she doesn’t seem to like very much. None of these chicks are getting laid, but their husband’s are, so figure that one out. Heather keeps trying to be funny but she isn’t. Stop trying Heather.

We now get a closer look at Shannon. She is an oddball and treats her husband like an idiot in the first five seconds of his being on TV. She is miserable, he is miserable, their kids are what keep them together, and eventually that won’t be enough. By eventually of course I mean after one season of reality television. They will regret doing the show.

Heather, Vicki, and Tamra are having dinner and decide to rent a Jeep for a ride, and go to surf school. Tamra looks amazing, Vicki is surfing in a skirt, and Heather is the first to conquer the board. Heather and Vicki tolerate each other, but there is no real friendship there. That is going to result in a long and painful season of scripted fakeness if you ask me.

Shannon is getting acupuncture and we clearly see this woman is bored with her life. She needs to get laid. Badly. They are skipping back and forth between Shannon and Hawaii and I’m bored. Heather is a stuck up bitch, Tamra is just happy to still be on TV, Vicki is living in her own mind, and Shannon is gross. Why exactly are we watching this?

We get a quick look into the season and it is not interesting. It is a lot of fighting, lying, and lives falling apart. There are no real friendships here and that makes it less appealing. There will be a trip to Bali, another new girl brought into the group, and Brooks is back. We will laugh at them not with them, but blogging will be fun because I will always keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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