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Real Housewives of NYC – She is Coma Toast!

by Ilana Angel

August 28, 2012 | 3:16 pm

Photo courtesy of BravoTV.com

The much anticipated three part trip to St. Barths has begun.  We start with the flight onto the small island and Carole talking about the loss of John and Caroline.  I love Carole and actually don’t like it when she talks about them. She seems uncomfortable when she does and I imagine a Bravo producer telling her she has to talk about them.  It feels creepy.

They are all there except for Aviva who was too scared to leave her husband.  The house is gorgeous and as they are getting their tour, Ramona is rude and tells them to hurry up so she can get in the pool.  Ramona is a pig. She is crass, rude, obnoxious, and idiotic.  Ramona gets the master suite and she opts to share with Sonja. Carole stands out as a class act.

I love it that Carole says how she feels without fear.  She says she wants to be far away from Sonja and Ramona but says it to the ladies, not just the camera. It’s awesome.  Carole discovers that the house they are staying at is someplace she went on holiday with her husband 15 years earlier and it’s a shocking moment for her.  Carole is truly a lovely girl.

Back at the main house Heather runs into a glass door thinking it was open. She has hurt herself and is resting with ice as Luann, the nurse, tends to her.  I cannot imagine Luann ever working as a nurse.  She probably became a nurse so she could nab a doctor.  Luann is in the pool with Ramona and Sonja. The twins, Drunky and Slutty, are getting sloshed.

Carole’s boyfriend is going to come by after dinner but by that time the hags will be hammered and it’s a risky plan.  Heather is back but her nose is so unfortunate looking that you can’t tell if it is even swollen.  The chef and butler are handsome and there is a lot of touching and lusting happening courtesy of Mrs. Morgan.  She is a very sloppy drunk.

Sonja is mumbling about her ex-husband, moving forward, and her toaster oven.  She truly is a mess and I worry about her mental wellbeing.  Sonja wants to talk about the toaster oven, Ramona wants to bash Heather, Heather wants to slit her wrists, and Luann makes her exit.  Carole bails too and Ramona follows her, and Carole is not amused.

Heather and Sonja are still fighting about the toaster oven meeting and Carole tells Ramona she is nervous.  Ramona tells her not to worry she will just be herself and Carole responds by telling her NOT to be herself.  It is hilarious.  Carole is the only one who says to the ladies what she says to the cameras. Important to note I use the word ladies loosely.

Russ comes and he seems like a nice guy.  I don’t really get it, but whatever. Carole seems happy.  Ramona tries to be normal but it is an epic failure. Sonja is wasted. Heather is lovely, and Luann is invisible.  Sonja tells Russ they were nervous to meet him and Ramona yells at her that she should speak for herself.  Carole is ready to get the hell out of there.

Russ is being charming, Luann is very manly, and Sonja is drunk and horny.  Sonja goes off to flirt with the butler and Carole and Russ go to her room. It is odd because she tells him he should stay with her for the night.  Really? She has not seen him in weeks and there was no plan for him to stay the night?  I don’t get their arrangement and it was weird.

In the morning Sonja is worried she was okay with Russ and Ramona is annoyed that Russ was there.  It was a weekend for girls only and not fair that Carole got to be with her boyfriend.  Carole reminds them that she is always with them and their husbands and they all need to shut the hell up. I’d rather watch an hour of Carole alone than these bitches.

They are at the beach and Sonja is so incredibly inappropriate that I honestly wonder how it is that she is not being sued for custody of her daughter.  In fact, I wonder what their arrangement is.  I am thinking she does not have her daughter that often because she is unstable.  I laugh at Sonja but the poor girl needs to get some help.

Ramona is throwing around Yiddish, Sonja is looking to get laid, and I am bored. Sonja is talking about how she is taking the girls out and it makes me drink more.  She has no money and Bravo is taking them all out.  Why does she feel the need to impress us?  We think she is a dunk and while loveable, she is a hot mess and not impressing anybody.

They are at the club and Sonja is acting like she knows the place but I’m guessing it’s been a million years since she was there.  There is a Johnny Depp look-a-like with his girlfriend and Luann is all over him.  Everyone is getting drunk and there is a burlesque show the girls are all going to be a part of and I’m ready for bed. Will finish up in the morning.

Sidebar:  I am now writing this in the middle of the afternoon and it’s horrible because I have to drive carpool and make dinner so I can’t have any wine and this show sucks without a drink.  I also want to point out that I have decided I rally like Heather.  It took me a minute to get her and I think I finally do.  I really like her and think she has chutzpah.

This show is not interesting and watching is a drag.  We all know something great is coming, but the way they drag us along so slowly is aggravating.  All the ladies are dancing and Luann is off flirting with a pirate.  Come morning, all hell has broken loose and the women are on a witch hunt for Luann who is hung over and scrambling to undo what she has done.

Luann spent the night with the pirate but she tells a story about being with a group of Italian friends.  Everyone knows she slept with the pirate and she is quickly contradicting her stories.  Best line of the show is from Heather to say she was awoken by two male voices and one was Luann.  Freaking awesome. Heather confirms Luann was with the pirate.

Carole and Heather are chatting with Aviva and she tells them she is coming with for the weekend.  They tell the others Aviva is coming and they pretend to be happy about it.  Everyone is gossiping about Luann’s houseguest and Ramona is annoyed that Reed is going to stay at the house.  Sonja thinks he should stay at a hotel while Aviva stays with them.

It’s so stupid.  Ramona and Sonja are beyond excited to have caught Luann cheating and it’s sad.  These women are not friends at all.  Heather can’t wait to gossip to Carole about it and Luann is desperate to talk to Jacques and let him know she was with her Italian friends. Seriously, do these losers not realize they were a mic and there are cameras everywhere?

Sonja is in bad shape with her hangover and Ramona lets us know she “soma toast”.  That is funny.  Heather is worried about Jacques and that Luann has made a huge mistake.  Luann is obsessed over how much her lover looks like Johnny Depp and it’s just pathetic.  Aviva is annoying, Heather is quite cute, and you can see Carole wondering why she did this show.

Heather has changed her bathing suit for some reason.  The reason of course is that the show is scripted, they needed to do some reshoots, and Bravo is so dumb they never noticed it was a different suit.  Ramona wants Luann to tell Reed to stay at a hotel and I am really pissed off I can’t have a drink.  Dear Lord.  This show is truly ridiculous.

Luann is telling everyone she had a whole group of Italian friends over and it is a lie.  That she is so dumb is rather entertaining.  She gets a call form her friend Cat, who is not Italian, and tells her that she must tell the pirate that he cannot tell anyone that he was with her last night.  She walks away which cracks me up.  YOU HAVE A MIC ON YOUR DUMBASS!

This is going to get bad before it gets good for the ladies, which means nothing but good for us.  I like the train wreck but it is getting old.  It is silly to think they are friends, or can even tolerate each other outside of the show.  I’m in until the end, or at least until Aviva calls Slutty and Drunky white trash.  I will need wine next week to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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