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Real Housewives of New York – Please shut up!

by Ilana Angel

July 1, 2014 | 7:04 pm

Tonight's typos are generously brought to you by Sudafed.

I love this franchise and this city in particula, but with each thing anyone says, I respond with “please shut up!” They are beyond annoying and I struggle to find anything appealing about them anymore. The constant bickering, whining, crying, yelling, and scripted friendships are too much. The only way the real housewives of anywhere stand a chance of keeping our attention is a complete recast. All I really want for them to do is just stop talking. Seriously. Please shut up!

We are in Montana for what feels like week 7, and Kristen has stormed off for a pity party. This chick is bugging the crap out of me. She is miserable in her marriage and relying on these women for love and support, but that isn't happening. While Kristen wallows, Ramona sets up drinks and snacks for everyone. She is playing hostess since Kristen is such a failure at it. Everyone is complaining about what a pill Kristen is, which I get, but Heather is being a mean drunk.

Carole goes to check on Kristen, who is blubbering like an idiot. She is tired. Blah, blah, blah. Carole tries to be supportive but there is nothing warm and fuzzy about Carole so it falls flat. Everyone packs for a night of “glamping” and I’m bored. Sonja is pretending to sleep, flashes a boob, then tries to bail by saying she has asthma. ilarious. Ramona and Sonja try to put on comedy shtick but it is old and not funny anymore. Sonja is funny on her own and doesn’t need Ramona.

They get to glamping and there are ranch hands so everyone perks up. Drinking starts immediately, which is not a good idea for Heather. She jokingly calls Kristen a bitch, Kristen takes is seriously, and I want to smack this chick. She is not fun, cute, or charming. She complains about everything. She chats with Heather one-on-one and both accuse each other of being bossy and behaving badly.  It makes no sense that these women would travel together. It is ridiculous.

Kristen tells the group it is hard to host events. Really? Kristen did nothing. This is all Bravo. Ramona tells Kristen she is a bad hostess and she has done the work for her. LuAnn calls out Ramona for being a bitch and Kristen is over Ramona. Heather is now full on drunk and dinner is on. Ramona is silly and socially abrasive. Sonja and LuAnn are speaking of being like family and Ramona is seething. She wants to be Sonja’s main friend. Sonja needs to bail on Ramona.

Kristen is attacking Heather, telling her to admit she is bossy. Heather stands on her chair, admits to being a bossy bitch, and it is funny. I love Heather. Kristen has lost her mind and is screaming at Heather she is not only bossy in her friendships, but in her marriage. Kristen is an idiot. Heather shuts it down and tells Kristen to shut up. Carole tells Kristen not to talk about Heather’s marriage. Kristen feels sorry for herself and is being stupid twat. Please shut up!

Kristen eaves the table. Who chases after her? Ramona! Kristen talks to Ramona like they are friends ten minutes after she hated her. Kristen is an idiot. I’m guessing I write that a few times tonight. Kristen wants to talk about Heather’s marriage with Ramona, who says Jonathan is weak, unlike Mario, who is powerful. They certainly are different. Jonathan loves his wife, while Mario is a pig who bangs his mistress in his marital bed while his wife is away. Who do you want?

Morning has come and Heather is hung over. Kristen calls her husband Josh to complain. Here’s the thing, he doesn’t care. None of us care. Josh is a pig so why are we even listening to him? Kristen accuses Josh of taking Heather’s side and I want to smack her again. Carole is hanging out in bed with Heather and we see she has done too much filler. It is rather unfortunate looking. Meanwhile Sonja has lost her vitamins and will not be able to poop without them. Ugh.

They are off to a rodeo dressed for a reunion of Little House on the Prairie.  They are in two cars, both speaking of the other car. These chicks are gross and really very mean to each other. The rodeo is horrible, cruel to the animals, and I don’t want to watch it. Not interested. Heather and Kristen are both waiting for the other to apologize. Are we actually watching Countless LuAnn use a portable toilet? Is this what we have come to with this show? The world is ending.

Kristen is complaining about Heather. Again. Carole tells her she was wrong to bring up Heather’s marriage, but Kristen keeps talking about it. Heather then talks to Ramona about it, and it is stupid. Carole tells Kristen she needs to apologize, but she won’t. Kristen is looking for a fight and is what is the word I'm looking for? Idiot. Sidebar: Does Carole really want us to believe she bought a bear costume for $600 and shipped it to Montana to prank the girls? Please shut up.

It is the last night in Montana and Kristen has set up a dinner. I’m so sick of Kristen talking about what she has done. She did nothing. This trip is all Bravo. Sonja tells Ramona her panties are too big and I need this to end. There is a fake dinner for everyone at the ranch and I'm rolling my eyes. There are men so Sonja is thrilled. Kristen’s big surprise is they're going to throw hatchets. The laughing sounds like shrieking and my sinus infection won’t let me drink. Ugh.

Kristen invites Heather to take a walk after Ramona says they need to make up. Heather tells Kristen she was mean, but Kristen is not backing down on what she said about her marriage. Kristen is complaining about what a hard day she had. Heather is holding her own and says Kristen should apologize. I am team Heather on this one. On every one actually. Heather is the best and Kristen is a miserable in a sexless and unhappy marriage. Kristen, please shut up.

Kristen is still talking shit and I wish Heather would shove her into the creek. Instead she accepts the apology, which is big of her. It proves Heather is the best of the bunch and Kristen should only stay one season. I have a sinus infection, am on antibiotics, cannot drink wine, and so this show is more painful to blog than usual. Next week will suck because Aviva is back, but be brilliant because there is karaoke. I’ll be back, hopefully with wine, and keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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