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Real Housewives of New York City Reunion Recap - Part 1

by Ilana Angel

July 30, 2014 | 5:16 pm

Typo's are generously sponsored by Jose Cuervo.

The best part of any housewife season is the reunion. It is when we see the women at their most vulnerable, brave, outspoken, and delusional. We all sit through long, scripted, silly, fake, painful, mean, and boring seasons just so we can get to this place and understand what everyone is talking about. This season’s 3 part reunion for NYC promises to be explosive and give us the answers we seek, but we immediately start with a question: Why is Kristen sitting next to Andy?

Kristen is new and while she started off strong, she proved to be rather uninteresting and pathetic, so while I don’t doubt she will be back for another season with her insanely unappealing husband, how did she get that spot on the couch? It should have gone to Heather, as she is the leader of that side, just as Ramona is the leader of the other side. I also wonder why LuAnn is even there when she didn’t even make it into the opening credits of the season.  Is she a housewife or not? It seems odd.

Andy looks very handsome. LuAnn’s earrings are hideous and her metallic dress makes it appear as if she has wonky nipples. Carole has died her hair blonde, which makes her look older. Heather looks beautiful, but again, not my favorite earrings. Kristen has new boobs, which her gross husband gave her as an anniversary gift, and it looks like she didn’t wash her hair.  Ramona looks shockingly pretty, Sonja looks lovely in pink, and Aviva looks disgusting. Truly. I can’t look at her and not think she is disgusting.

Andy starts off talking about their taglines and asks Carole to show off her ass. It is a great ass, so good for her. Ramona says “Turtle Time” is about having fun not drinking, but she likes wine. Wine has been around “since the bible” and she likes her tagline. Kristen defends her tagline saying she is not stupid. I might beg to differ. We learn Fabio never actually asked Ramona out, but he “really wanted to”. Ramona also went on a date 20 years ago with a guy Carole went out with. Who cares?

Andy asks Aviva if her repulsive dad has gotten married to his 25-year-old fiancé. Not yet. (That wedding is never happening.) Andy asks LuAnn how she feels about being called “LuMan”. Sonja says she calls her that because she is tall with a deep nice, then Ramona says she thought LuAnn was a drag queen when she met her. Hilarious. LuAnn is acting cool and collected but she is clearly angry and looking for a fight. I’m guessing she was not paid this season and is resentful about it.

Time to review Kristen’s season and we see she was quite a bitch. They show her standing up to the women, but no scenes of her seemingly crumbling marriage. They better discuss that later because they made us watch a lot of it and we want to talk about it. We listened to her cry about her marriage and we want closure. They jump to Aviva dropping the F bomb in front of kids, and Aviva calls Kristen a “rookie”, which is true, but sounds stupid from Aviva. The yelling begins.

It is a silly conversation and ends with Kristen telling Aviva to just shut the f**k up. They talk quickly about Brandi and Yolanda from RHOBH having lunch with Kristen and Carole. Whatever. It was boring then and boring now. Andy asks about the fight in Montana between Heather and Kristen and Heather shares that Kristen was under a lot of stress and took it out on Heather because they have a history together and it was safe. Whatever. Kristen was a bitch and Heather was a grown up.

Sidebar: Aviva tries to pay Heather a compliment but Heather shuts it down and says she is not taking the compliment as it is Aviva setting her up to attack Carole later. Heather, Carole, and Kristen are ready to pounce on Aviva and I am waiting. Time to talk about Aviva and her dad George. He is a pig and Aviva needs to be fired. I can only imagine what this man does off camera if this is what he is willing to have recorded. This man is offensive.

Ramona is defending her throwing wine at Kristen and it is ridiculous.  Ramona says sorry, although she doesn’t mean it, and refuses to talk about it anymore. Kristen wants us to know it was a gash and there was a lot of blood, but Ramona insists it was nothing and they need to let it go. They’re fighting about whether it was soft or hard plastic, talking over each other, and this is a waste of our time. Ramona will not admit she was looking to hurt her. These women are immature.

Ramona says she forgives people easily and says it is her personality. Sonja comes to Ramona’s defense and it pisses me off because Ramona doesn’t deserve Sonja’s support. They’re now talking about blowjobs and sex and we are reminded how far into the gutter these women have fallen. I don’t care about the facialist or gossiping about who is having sex. LuAnn is a well documented slut and Carole had what appeared to be, in my opinion, an open relationship. So what?  Move on Andy.

For the love of God, Andy now wants to talk about George again. I am skipping over it. That Andy is giving this man so much time on the reunion is gross. This old man is disgusting, as is his daughter, and I’m pissed off we are being asked to discuss him again. Andy then wants to talk with Sonja about how her 23 years old boyfriend was in bed. He then jumps to Kristen giving blowjobs for gifts from her husband and I am done. We watched an entire season to get this crap now? Not cool.

Time to talk about Aviva’s asthma and the “word on the street”. Aviva is mentally unwell and it is hilarious someone with such severe asthma doesn’t know how to use an inhaler. Aviva is an idiot. She says you can’t use medicine you don’t need. I'm laughing at how truly idiotic this woman is as I take a Xanax recreationally. I’m kidding. Not kidding. Everyone calls Aviva a liar but she insists she couldn’t breathe.

Everyone seems to be done with Aviva. Andy and Aviva share the same doctor? Andy should rethink that. We're still talking about Aviva’s fake asthma. Oh. My. God. Carole reminds us of Aviva’s past phobias and everyone is talking over each other. Nobody knows why Aviva won’t travel with them and Sonja asks her if she'd be well enough to go to Dubai, as she'd like to go there. Sonja is hilarious to me. LuAnn says Aviva crys wolf and I’m over it all.

Time for a review of Sonja’s season. She is kooky to be sure, but she is harmless, funny, charming, and in need of a little compassion and generosity of spirit. We know very little about this woman’s financial situation, but clearly it is stressful and shockingly different from when she was married. As she talks about flipping houses and her husband, the mocking from the other couch begins. LuAnn is itching to hurt Sonja and you can see it boiling to the surface. I wonder why.

I’m kidding. I know why. LuAnn slept with Harry, feels bad and wants to humiliate Sonja to take the attention off her own slutty behavior. Sonja is going on and on about her employees and how she makes her money. While I’m sure it makes no sense to anyone but her, I'm more interested in why the other couch seems to want to hurt her. Sonja doesn't hurt anyone, yet they're all attacking her. In the middle of it all Andy says she is sexually open, which seems mean.

Sonja is trying to explain herself, in the way she understand it, and Andy is pushing her to keep talking, rather than help her against the attacks. I think LuAnn is a bitch. A slutty bitch. Sonja explains she is paying a lot of people to help her get out of her current financial situation, but nobody cares. There is an agenda here and I think it is sad. Sonja is comic relief, the one most people would want to be friends with, and instead of being kind, it is now a commercial for eBoost. eBoost tastes like ass.

Kristen sings that Sonja is delusional and it is mean spirited. Kristen is a bitch and Andy is also being a bitch. He asks Sonja ho0w she feels being compared to the ladies of Grey Gardens and she says she thinks they were lovely, but LuAnn screams out they were mentally ill. If people can’t see the LuAnn’s agenda then they are drinking more than I am. Cheers! LuAnn says the show has changed Sonja, but I would argue that life ahs changed Sonja. LuAnn is now yelling at Sonja that she is a liar.

Why is LuAnn so angry? So Bitter? So slutty?  LuAnn is clearly mad that she was demoted and Sonja was not. She got dumped, her kids are not around, and if she wants to talk about delusional, let’[s talk about calling her a Countess when she isn’t one. Oy vey! I am exhausted, and as much as I complained, I cannot wait until next week. This is a fascinating group of women and it will be interesting to see who is invited back when shooting stars up in October. Will Bravo be keeping it real?

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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