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Real Housewives of New York Premiere Recap

by Ilana Angel

March 11, 2014 | 7:39 pm

*Tonight's typos generously sponsored by Cabernet.

I am so excited about the ladies of New York City coming back. There is a realness to these women that simply does not exist anywhere other than New York.  It is going to be a long season and by the end of it we will pull our hair out and think there is nothing real about any of them, but right now, in the beginning, it is perfection. LuAnn is out as a fulltime housewife and Kristen in is. Her tagline is ridiculous and as soon as we call her stupid, which we may, it won’t be mean because she is beginning her journey but telling us she is pretty but dumb. Not the smartest tagline decision. Which makes sense because she is “not the sharpest tool in the shed”.

We start with Carole and Heather. Carole is having her photo taken and Heather is there for support. Heather is taking over and I love it. Her balls are huge, as they should be. We jump to Sonja and Ramona, who now have the same haircut. Sonja is dating a lot of men, some of them younger than 30. Ugh.  Ramona is emotional about her daughter graduating high school and leaving for college. Sonja thinks Ramona can alleviate her stress by getting a hobby or walking her dog. She suggests spending more time with Mario, but we know his time is taken up by his mistress. That’s the thing about these shows being shot so long ago. We already know too much.

Aviva calls Heather and she ignores the call. Good. I think Aviva is a bitch with a very unfortunate personality. By unfortunate of course I mean she is devoid of a personality.  Ramona is going to Heather’s party, but ignoring Aviva. Sonja wants us to think Harry, Aviva’s ex, wants to get back with her. Sonja is gorgeous, but a train wreck, so I’m not buying it. Cut to Heather’s birthday party, Sonja is coming with her very young boyfriend. These chicks look really, really, good. There is a lot of talk of Heather’s former boss Sean Combs. Two minutes in and the namedropping has begun. Ugh. We don’t really care about where she worked or who she knows so just stop.

Best line so far is when Heather says Sonja has as many men as she has interns and some of them are the same age. Perfection. We take a quick break from the party to meet the newest housewife Kristen. She is a model and a mother. Very pretty, kind of goofy, doesn’t seem to take herself too seriously, and a little desperate for fame at first glance. She is married to Josh, who used to work with Heather. He works for eBoost so we’ll be seeing a lot of tweets for that I’m sure. She eats salad with her fingers and I think she will annoy me with her take on motherhood and marriage. We are 5 minutes in so I reserve the right to change my mind and love her.

Ramona and Sonja attack Kristen to learn about who she is and ensure she is not a liar like Aviva. Kristen calls them her “two drunk aunts”. It is official, I love Kristen. Aviva arrives and nobody likes her. I wonder why she didn’t bother to brush the back of her hair. Sonja and Aviva decide to be fake friends. Carole decides to be a grown up and say hello to Aviva. After months of no contact, Aviva asks Carole to help her with her book. Really? Nobody is going to buy Aviva’s book and she is as unappealing as her father.  We learn Kristen loves Elvis and Carole likes weird. Aviva heads over to talk and Ramona and Mario leaves them to it. Coward. He’s a pig.

Aviva tells Ramona she musses her and wants to hug her, but Ramona says no hug. Nice. Aviva dos not apologize, calls Ramona old, and I am laughing at her. Aviva is a moron. Ramona calls her vicious and mean spirited, and Aviva responds saying they can be friends. This show is really good after two glasses of red wine. I think it would take three if you’re drinking white. Party is over and we head to date night with Kristen and Josh. She is a little harsh with him. By harsh I mean a nag. We all know what happens to reality marriages when a wife publically humiliates her husband. Good luck with that. She’s going for funny but it’s not really happening.

Kristen gets earrings for being so great and she tells her husband he gets a blowjob for them. Kristen is the Brandi of NYC. Cut to Ramona’s apartment, she is in desperate need of a remodel. Aviva calls Ramona and begs her to go out with her, but Ramona says she’ll think it over. Time for Sonja to host a tea. Dear Lord. Her house looks like it is the 1970’s and the number of interns is insane. What exactly are they interning to learn? Ramona and Kristen are there. Well Ramona is there, but Kristen is waiting outside because the interns don’t know how to answer the door. This is pure comedy. Sonja has a new dog, who is cute, but a little rotten.

The gossiping begins immediately. It is a weird collection of people. Important to note that Kristen is officially the most beautiful housewife. They are talking all kinds of crap about Aviva, which does not bother me because I am not a fan of Aviva. She cannot be trusted in my assessment. Kristen is the voice of reason in a sea of crazy. Bless her for taking on this group. We needed new blood, but I hope she is not a sacrificial lamb. Cut to Ramona and Aviva having a drink. Oy vey. Ramona says Aviva is sucking up her ass, which made me laugh. Forget kissing her ass, she is sucking!

Aviva is making all kinds of strange and inappropriate sexual comments and we see she is exactly like her dad. Hey Aviva, this is not the way to go. We don’t like your dad. She is so desperate it is uncomfortable to watch. Ramona buys the crap Aviva is selling and they are going to work on their friendship. So fake. After all the time we’ve waited, they gave us a good show and are teasing us with a good season. These women are fun to watch, a blast to blog, and I am in. I don’t know what it is about New York City, but it is magic. These women are going to give us a lot of water cooler moments and are the only housewives with a shot in hell of actually keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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