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Real Housewives of New Jersey War & Peace Recap

by Ilana Angel

July 28, 2013 | 4:52 pm

Tonight's typos are sponsored by Merot.

We are still at the retreat.  Bravo to Bravo for dragging this out and sucking every last drop out of it.  I feel like we have been trapped in this castle forever.  I am sick of Melissa, sad for Joe, digging Juicy, feeling for Teresa, loving Rosie, and not paying attention to Rich, Kathy, or Caroline.  I’m ready for week three though. Wine is poured, so here we go.

Joe and Teresa are talking, which is only possible because Melissa is not there.  Dr. V is awesome and says they need time together, and it is Teresa who suggests Melissa join in.  Melissa is with everyone else talking crap about Teresa and I want to smack her.  Melissa is a liar and I am not buying anything she says. She likes when Joe is mad at Teresa.

Melissa is negative and going into every second thinking nothing will be resolved.  Melissa is on her way up and Joe tells Teresa she is easy.  (Insert stripper joke here.) Melissa joins and her facial expressions and body language are pissing me off.  Sidebar:  I am drinking red wine tonight, and am guessing that I will go through the entire bottle by myself. Just saying.

Melissa blames everything on Kim D, so Teresa says she will not hang out with Kim if Melissa stops hanging out with Jac.  Melissa changes the subject and seems to be a little confused.  She insists she is not stupid, but come on. Teresa is not causing the problems, she is reacting to what she is told, which when partnered with Melissa’s actions, creates a perfect storm.

Joe is ready to move on, while Melissa is hanging onto the anger and fighting.  Teresa is a saint to keep trying when she is faced with such crap.  Important to note that I don’t think Teresa is innocent in this mess, because she is not.  That said, she is reacting to what she is being given.  Melissa is blowing smoke up everyone’s ass and Dr. V calls her on it.  Nice work.

Melissa wants us to know she will try, but it hard because she has been through so much.  Really?  Melissa is an idiot.  Bless her.  Poor Joe.  He is blind as a bat.  Bless him.  Everyone hugs it out, Teresa tells Melissa she loves her, and Melissa is a bitch. Dr. V calls them out and makes them hug for real.  Caroline and the Wakile’s playing in the snow is stupid.

Juicy has now joined in the fun, calm as a cucumber. I like Juicy, and I like Joe, but the anger is palpable.  They are talking it out and Juicy gets up and apologizes to Joe and Melissa.  He just wants it to be over.  I know Juicy is not perfect, and he has done some unsavory things, but you cannot say that he is not willing to do what needs to be done to help him wife. Love him.

Dr. V leaves and Kathy is pissed off that she didn’t get to talk to her.  Kathy, she left because we don’t care about you, your family, or anything you say.  Sorry. Not sorry.  Everyone is together and Teresa thanks Caroline for coming, and Melissa starts to talk as if she is a nice person. Kathy is talking and I want to smack her. She is going to ruin this entire thing. Dumbass.

The boys, and Rosie, are going ice fishing while the women cook dinner.  Back at home, Caroline calls Jac and we have to watch.  Really?  This is stupid.  Caroline is a gossiping, bitter hag.   All good feelings about her are now gone.  Jac is a moron and I am sick of her.  We managed to go 30 minutes without having to see Jac.  Damn you Bravo for sucking her in.

The ice fishing begins and it is lame. It is an attempt at comedy, which sort of works, but not really.  They are going back and forth between the men and the women.  The women are cooking, except for Melissa, and the men, with Rosie, are acting like kids.  Juicy and Joe are going at it in a totally passive aggressive way, and it is both nerve wracking and cute.  Rich is bored.

Rich is vile, disgusting, and should not be on TV or Twitter.  They give up on the fishing and head back to the Inn.  Melissa is getting hammered. She is drowning her sorrows because her evil plot to keep Joe and Teresa apart seems to have failed.  Even if it is only a temporary fail, it is awesome to watch her squirm.  Dinner is ready and Melissa is still drinking.

Dinner is nice, everyone is getting along, and Juicy tells Caroline he thought Jac and Chris were coming, so he brought a present for Chris, and would Caroline take it back. So sweet. Juicy misses Chris and it is a touching moment,. Caroline makes it about Nick, and I am now completely grossed out by her. Rich says Juicy should take it to Chris himself and reconnect.

Sometimes Rich says the sweetest things, then in an instant he is a disgusting pig.  I don’t like him and think he is so gross that his moments of loveliness mean nothing.  Why is he on this show?  Kathy and Rich need to leave the show and sell canolli out of the back of her car.  They bring nothing to this show.  They never have really. Time for some new blood to join.

Oh. My. God. We are at dinner with Jac and Chris.  For the love of God, who cares? Chris is talking about masturbation.  Really?  The only thing they have to talk about is masturbation? Jac manages to turn a discussion about masturbation to Teresa.  She is pathetic.  Back at the Inn they are playing trust games. Rich is a pig, Rosie is wasted, and it is almost entertaining.

The scene of them catching each other is proof that the time at the Inn should have only been 2 weeks, not 3. They are pulling at straws now.  Caroline says she will let Teresa catch her if she promises to do it with Jac one day.  Caroline is a joy sucker. This was about family, she was invited in as an outsider, and she is ruining the moment.  I can’t stand Caroline now.

Jac and Chris are STILL talking about Teresa.  Holy crap. Everyone at the Inn is going to bed to sleep off the buzz and Teresa is crying about Jac.  Wasted tears. Juicy is divine in this episode.  I love him. The retreat is finally over and while I’m happy for them, I’m left feeling more pissed about Jac, than happy for the others. That’s sad, but keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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