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Real Housewives of New Jersey Tar Slinging Recap

by Ilana Angel

July 21, 2013 | 6:12 pm

I am very excited to announce that tonight’s typos are generously sponsored by Grey Goose.  Here we go. We are at the retreat to join the family together, and pick up with the big fight.  Juicy has confronted Joe for calling Teresa scum, Joe attacks, Teresa leaves to call the cops, weird, and Melissa starts punching Juicy in the head.  Joe goes for Juicy’s balls, and the tar is flying. Literally.  Joe’s hair paint is pealing off and it is hilarious. Melissa is screaming at Teresa that she is disgusting, and Teresa is getting Juicy to leave. It is very sad to watch and I am sad for all of them.

By all of them of course I mean except Melissa.  I blame her for this.  I feel for Joe being torn by the sister he loves and the whore who services Tarzan.  Sidebar: Joe Gorga’s back is divine and I want to lick it. After he washes the tar off.  Teresa is confused, Melissa is talking crap to Joe, and Kathy, Rosie and Rich are gossiping.  Kathy is worried about her nose job.  The woman who has love in her heart is worried about her nose? Shove a cannoli in it you moron. Teresa wants to leave and Juicy says everyone else can leave and they are staying.   I love Juicy.

Rich surprisingly stands up for Juicy and tells Rosie and Kathy they should stay and not give up.  Then in the next second, he says it is all Teresa’s fault.  Rich is an asshole, but he goes to talk to Juicy and Teresa. He agrees Joe calling Tre scum was bad, but she should have left Juicy out of it.  Rich starts screaming, Teresa is playing victim, and Juicy thinks the whole thing is hilarious.  Joe is crying, Melissa is fake crying, and I want to punch her in the face.  Instead of supporting Joe and feeling his pain, she fuels the fire.  Oh. My. God.  I cannot stand that stupid bitch.

Rich, Kathy, and Rosie talk Melissa and Joe into staying.  Rosie goes with Teresa to Joe and asks him to talk.  Teresa asks Melissa to leave and Melissa refuses.  Rosie calls out Melissa and tells her to go, but she won’t. Joe is crying and Melissa is telling him to stop.  It is insane.  She is ruining this family and everyone sees it but Joe.  The coaches come up, which is just too funny, and they are talking calmly to everyone.  Rich is the hero, telling everyone to stay until the morning.  Joe says he hates Teresa, which we all know is a lie.  Juicy wants to be alone his wife.

Teresa is now crying and I feel for her.  Everyone goes to dinner but Teresa and Joe, who are bathing together.  Joe admits the tar is off his head, and Juicy is having sexy time with Tre and we learn she cannot wink.  I love Teresa. Teresa spills champagne on Juicy to lick it off and he tells her you can get pneumonia that way.  Juicy says he’ll take Joe fishing and we are reminded the only people here who should be on a show are the Guidice family.  Melissa is talking but I am not listening.  Rich wants to make out with Kathy and she cannot hide her disgust.

Morning comes and people are feeling positive.  Teresa calls Caroline and tells her about the fight.  Caroline acts surprised but you know the Wakile’s called her last night.  Come on.  Teresa asks Caroline to come help and Caroline takes Teresa asking for help as something important and says she will try.  Totally scripted bullshit.  Whatever.  Cut to Joe and Melissa and we see exactly how spiteful, evil, and vindictive she is. Her only joy in life is trying to destroy Teresa and if Joe cannot see what she is doing then nobody will ever help this situation.  

Melissa says Teresa’s drinks suck, and her books and hair care products are crap.  Joe is sitting there waiting for Melissa to tell him to fix it, but she is whining about wanting to go home.  He says if he leaves he will lose his sister and his parents, and she is telling him to go.  He tells her she is amazing and she says she needs to protect him.  For the love of God.  Shut up Melissa.  Over at Caroline’s, the camera crew is there to capture Caroline after the call.  Not scripted?  Lauren is there and I wonder how it is that this chick does not seem to own a hairbrush.

Rich is drunk, everyone is spending hours on their hair, and Dr. V. arrives. Teresa says she came recommended by friends in California. Translation: Dr. V’s show sucked, but Bravo loves her, as do we, so it was Bravo who recommended her.  Good call, but let’s be honest about it.  Teresa is explaining to Dr. V what is happening and denying all involvement in getting them to this place. Dr. V is calling her out on it.  Bless this Dr. because she may be the one person to help Teresa see what she does, and fix what is broken.  V joins breakfast and gets right into it.

Melissa does not want to talk about anything in front of Teresa. She says she no longer wants to help Joe and Teresa and I am laughing because she never tried to help Joe and Teresa. V is going to talk to them all separately and Joe goes first.  Melissa is nervous! Joe speaks and it sounds like a script that Melissa wrote. Joe says he does not want to fix anything and wants to go home. V says she will get Teresa and he can tell her. Melissa is going to lose her mind.  Rosie hits on V, which is perfect. Teresa and Joe are now talking without Melissa and it is good.

Caroline arrives, by Bravo driver, and I am laughing.  Nobody is surprised to see her, but Melissa is pissed off.  She wants her and Joe to give up and move on.  Teresa and Joe are talking and I don’t believe in televised therapy, but I will say it made me cry.  I really like these two people and I want them to fix things.  Impossible of course with Melissa in the mix, but I really am hoping there is peace.  We started watching because we loved all these people and now it’s all about hate, theirs and ours. We are simply never going to stop watching these people.

In the end Teresa and Joe are both trying to be cool. V says she thought they should go home as they were not ready, but then says she feels something between them and thinks they should try.  Teresa starts crying and you can feel her heartache.  It made Joe cry.  He leans over to hug her and it just so sad.  Thank God Melissa was not here.  I hope she was watching at home with Joe and he could see exactly who she is.  It is only when Joe and Teresa take accountability, and Melissa owns up to her part in it all, that they will be able to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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