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Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion – Go Scratch!

by Ilana Angel

October 15, 2012 | 7:37 am

Photo by Tommy Garcia/Bravo

My, my, my.  After an insanely excruciating season, the Real Housewives of New Jersey came to a screaming halt and it is bittersweet.  I am thrilled because this show sucked this season, but disappointed that it’s over because as bad as it was, it is crack, and not having it will be hard.  I will go into withdrawal and be forced to watch the Real Housewives of Miami, which is simply awful.  Lucky for us all the ladies of Beverly Hills will be back in a few weeks and allow us to once again fuel our addiction for garbage.

Before we even get started, I feel the need to clarify that I am not a fan of Jacqueline Laurita.  I will go even further and say I think she is simply horrible. She is, in my opinion, a terrible friend, pathological liar, drunk, pill popper, and a bad mother.  I think these things because she has shown them all to be true on the show.  We all watch this train wreck and see it differently, but if you watch and do not see these things about Jac, don’t read my blog because it will piss you off.  Save yourself and look away.

Important to note that while I like Andy Cohen, he is useless on these reunion shows.  He is biased, which I get because I am too, but it is not my job to be impartial.  I am a blogger who writes things as I see them.  I have no obligation to any “team”, because the only opinion I am paid to share is my own.  Andy however, is unable to keep himself neutral and it is gross.  He needs to remove himself from the reunions because he sucks all the joy out of it and makes it all even more stressful for those of us watching.

The third installment of the reunion starts with Caroline predicting Juicy will go to prison and Teresa will divorce him.   What a bitch.  She then backpedals and says it was a hypothetical statement, and Juicy couldn't care less.  Juicy tells Caroline he does not care about what she says, Jac shares her drunk and unimportant opinion, and Caroline turns it all around and brings it back to selling magazines.  Jac and Caroline share that she and Jac are always asked to be o covers and I’m laughing because there is just no way.

I would not buy a magazine with Caroline or Jac on the cover.  They are despicable women who have nothing of interest to say.  Kathy pipes up and it is weird because we all forgot she was there.  Juicy tells her to shut up and sit there.  Jac is talking about how great her life is and they are fine with money, and Joe tells her nobody cares about her or her money and she can eat her money.  I am loving me some Juicy Joe.  He is the only person from this entire franchise who seriously does not care about any of it.

Andy asks Juicy about his legal woes and Joe tells him to call his lawyer and he will tell him anything he wants.  It’s lame that Andy is even talking about it.  All Andy wants to talk about are things that the women will attack Teresa on, and things that will hurt her feelings.  So stupid.  Juicy is holding his own, and so is Teresa.  Jac keeps talking about stuff she knows nothing about, and it is annoying.  That Andy is not controlling her outbursts is a shame.  By Andy of course I mean Bravo should give her another Xanax.

Andy keeps pushing the legal issues and Teresa says she asked her family not to talk about it.  Jac is screaming about why Teresa can talk about it, but nobody else can.  Melissa says they were all worried about her and wanted to help.  It is ridiculous.  Jac is a complete moron and Melissa is a pathological liar.  Melissa says the family told Teresa not to talk about her being a stripper, but Andy does not ask about that.  Why would they ask Tre not to discuss it?  Melissa was a stripper.  Who cares?  Enough already.

I really don’t care about Joe’s legal crap.  If he goes to jail it will be sad for his family and I would hate to see it happen.  Important to note that he did not kill anyone.  He may have been unethical and stupid, but nobody was killed.  He may be a shmuck, but he is not Tony Soprano so lets please cut the guy some slack.  That part of their lives is complicated and we will never know the whole story so why are we even talking about it?  It’s none of our business and we need to leave that part of the story out of it.

Jac is screaming about her finances being fine and Juicy is calling her husband a “MoMo”, which I think is similar to a putz.  Jac is going on about how she was not a stripper and her husband did not meet her in Vegas. Apparently he met her at a “trade show” in Chicago.  I’m guessing she was “working” in Chicago.  He was engaged to someone else and dumped her for Jac.  I’d like to hear from that chick.  In her attempt to not look like a Vegas stripper, Jac made herself look like a travelling whore instead.

Joe Gorga, Rich and Chris join Juicy.  Albert is not there because he had to work.  By work of course I mean his mistress probably got her panties in a twist about him doing it and insisted he stay home to “work”.   Andy starts with Joe and Juicy and their relationship.  Joe says he does not understand their feud and Juicy says he wishes he did not need to even see Joe.  Melissa says there was tension between them from the moment they met, Teresa says that is not true.  Melissa never should have done the show.

Sidebar: Rich and Kathy Wakile are truly disgusting people.  Kathy brings nothing to this show and Rich brings things we don’t want to see or hear. Andy asks Richie if he feels his discussions of his erection were inappropriate and he says he is healthy and that’s life.  Kathy says his erection is her alarm clock and I want to cut myself.  These people are not cute, not funny, and not entertaining.  If Andy brings them back he has lost his mind.  When is he going to start listening to the fans about this show?

Joe says he may have gone on the show to get closer to Teresa.  Really?  Joe went on the show because his wife told him to and he loves her.  He sacrificed his relationship with his parents and sister to build his relationship with his wife.  We all get it, just own that your wife is to blame here.   Juicy and Teresa are talking to Joe, and Jac gets involved.  Jac is acting strange and it is sad.  This woman needs an intervention and her lovely husband needs to wake up and help her because she is a mess.

Juicy calls Joe out on not paying his bills, Joe calls juicy a bum, Melissa blames Teresa for everything, Caroline is trying to figure out how to restore her reputation, Kathy is invisible and not sure what is happening because she is a moron, and Jac is not sure what is happening because she is high as a kite.  Teresa is laughing at all of them and then we start again with Jac’s ramblings.  Jac is talking about her being a hooker at a trade show and Kathy gets involved.  Joe tells Kathy to “go scratch”.  I love Juicy.

Again with the strippers.  Everyone is talking over each other, Andy sits there and does not control the madness.  We learn Joe was a stripper when he was young.  Dear Lord.  These people are humiliating themselves, their parents, and their children.  I don’t know that 15 minutes and a few dollars is worth all this, but to each their own.   Joe is crying and talking about how broken he is to have lost his family this way, and Melissa is sitting there, rolling her eyes, and trying to look innocent when it is all her fault.

Richie and Juicy are screaming at each other but I’m not listening because I don’t really care.  Andy is now talking to Chris about Dina.  Chris is a sweet guy, and I feel bad for him.  That said, we learned he cheated on a fiancé with a whore, we see his wife lashing out on Twitter, and he does nothing to reel her in.  He may be a nice guy, but I have no respect for him that he allows his wife to behave this way when they have young children who need her.  He needs to man up and shut her up.  Know that Chris.

We get a recap of the Posche fashion show and the mess with Kim D. and Angelo.  Joe tells Teresa he will forgive her if she just acknowledges that she said Melissa was a stripper.  Teresa refuses to admit it because she says she never said it.  Teresa tells Joe he is breaking their parents heart, and Joe is crying telling her she took them away from him.  Juicy is screaming at Joe to shut up, Teresa is crying and telling Joe she never did, then Jac gets involved and Teresa looses her mind.  It is a horrible scene.

Teresa tells Jac to worry about her own family, Jac tells her to kiss her ass, Teresa tells her to kiss her titties, and the whole thing unravels.  Andy brings in Kim D. to clarify the fashion show and I am laughing because he brought in a mess of a broad to do it.  Kim is a liar, a troublemaker, and is really the one to blame for this family falling apart.  Kim is trying to explain and Jac is getting herself involved again.  Dear Lord.  This show is out of control.  Joe apologizes to Kim for being rude to her at the fashion show.

We learn that Kim is the one who set up Melissa because she was pissed off about something Melissa did.  Really?  Kim ruined a family as a vendetta for a silly business thing.  Everyone is screaming again, Caroline is trying to clear Jac, Jac is trying to blame Teresa, Kim is deflecting all blame, and Juicy is telling Teresa they should leave.  It is really heartbreaking.  Melissa tells Teresa she is done and she will never see her or her children again, Teresa is broken, Joe is broken, and Melissa is gloating. Truly horrific.

The men leave and the final moments are with Andy and the ladies.  He turns to Caroline for the final word and she is back to her old self.  She is trying to be the voice of reason, in order to sell books, but God bless her, she speaks beautifully and it is lovely.  She says she hopes they will all be together again, and I hope she is right.  These relationships will heal when the show ends.  Andy needs to give Teresa her own show, retire New Jersey for a couple of years, and respect the fans enough to start keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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