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Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap

by Ilana Angel

August 4, 2013 | 6:03 pm

Typos are sponspred by vodka.  

Lots and lots of vodka. 

Everyone is talking about Teresa and Joe Giudice and their legal troubles.  I will simply say that it appears they are in a heap of trouble, we do not know the truth, and until there is something to talk about, I don’t really have anything to say other than I wish them well. Their children need people to step off until there is a trial and verdict. Now, lets blog.

We start this week with Melissa visiting Joe at work.  She is talking crap about Teresa in front of her kids.  Lame.  Joe is going to do a billboard for a tan shop and Melissa won’t do it because Teresa already has.  Melissa is as dumb as she is beautiful.  I love her husband and kids, but could not care any less about her book about her manipulated marriage. Garbage.

Over at Teresa’s, she is making dinner because the family is coming over.  The entire family.  I am happy for them, especially for the kids. Milania is perfection.  We jump quickly to Jac’s house so we can hear Caroline talk gossip, and Jac hang on her every word.  Melissa joins in so she can throw more crap.  Melissa is an idiot and Caroline is depressing.

Melissa feels the need to tell Jac she made up with Teresa.  Why?  Caroline tells Jac Teresa is going to call her, and Jac acts like she does not care. Of course she cares.  Caroline says Jac cannot be free to care for her son with all the drama with Teresa hanging over her head.  Really?  Jac can’t focus on her kid because her fame is more important than he is.

Jac’s face does not move and her neck continues to get smaller.  She is just a head sitting on shoulders, and it freaks me out.  Back to Tre’s house, Joe, Melissa and the kids arrive for dinner.  The kids are fabulous and seeing them together is really sweet. Important to note Joe’s spray on hair is mortifying.  No wonder he has now shaved his head.

Melissa is passive aggressive, and Teresa keeps her mouth shut.  Teresa is trying, no matter how much they try to break her. You got to hand it to her for trying.  I would have given up long ago, and even though she is to blame for a lot of the problems, it was reactionary and the fault lies with Melissa and her jealousy.  She is a fame whore. Whore being key.

Melissa tells Teresa that they told Jac she would be in touch.  Melissa is a shit disturber.  Teresa has Jac pegged.  She calls out Jac on her obsessive and compulsive behavior, including her Twitter addiction. Teresa calling Jac is a waste of time. Jac needs to be in rehab and Melissa needs to be happy for her husband and shut the hell up already.  It is getting old.

We jump to Chris and Albie and their new restaurant.  Who cares?  These two are not interesting and I could give a rat’s ass about how they are trying to get their restaurant open.  I am going to step away from the TV to make my 3rd cocktail. Tonight I am drinking fresh watermelon juice with fresh lime juice and vodka.  Lots and lots of vodka.  Cheers everyone!

We head over to Kathy who is talking about shit from a million years ago. She is talking about what Teresa said last year, or maybe even before last year, proof that Kathy bring nothing to this show.  Rosie is lonely and ready to have a relationship.  Good for her.  She needs to meet a nice woman, who is not like any of the women in her family, to have a shot in hell.

It is time for a Manzo family dinner.  For the love of God, there is not enough booze in my home to make this interesting.  Important to note: I have a lot of booze.  The kids are whining about what losers they are, Caroline tries to build them up, and Albert tells her to shut the F up, then goes to watch TV.  He cannot stand to be around his wife, and is not even pretending.

Melissa is shooting the cover of her book. Ugh.  Joe is shooting a commercial for a tan shop.  Ugh. Melissa is in love with herself, and Joe is in love with himself, so how is it they have time to love each other and have a good marriage?  Her book is truly a waste of paper.  It is hard to like this couple when she is so unappealing.  God Bless Joe for hanging in.

Teresa calls Jac and invites her out.  She says she is not sure they can be friends again, but would like things to be civil.  Jac says it is important to pay attention to CJ, then takes the call from Teresa and ignores CJ.  Jac is a gutter pig who cares more about her camera time than her kids.  She uses her children for sympathy and story lines because she has nothing else.

Kathy, Rich, Melissa and Joe are out at a gay bar with Rosie. Dear Lord. Rosie needs to dump the old married folks and go out on her own. She is adorable and they are sucking the joy out of her search for love.  Rich is a pig and poor Rosie is getting hammered and making a fool out of herself.  I think it is sad. I’m guessing Ellen never called Rosie.  Too bad.

Back to Caroline’s, it is another day and Albie is asking Caroline about what is going on with her and Albert. Albie is a loser.  Bless him.  He is worried about his parents and is rather mean in how he talks to her about it.  Caroline is more like she was in the beginning this season, and while I’d like to think she saw herself and wanted to change, it is probably more about camera time.

Caroline is over at Jac’s to talk about Teresa.  Again.  Jac is going on and on about how Teresa makes all of her family issues about her, but she makes all of her issues about Nicholas.  Jac is truly not meant for television.   Cut to Teresa, she is on the way to the mall with Juicy and the kids, and they are talking about Jac and Chris.  Enough with talking shit in front of the kids.

Gino calls his Dad stupid and we have another Milania in the making.  So funny.  Give these kids a show and fire their parents. It’s time for the smack down. Jac and Chris meet with Teresa and Juicy.  The men go to have a drink and cigar in another spot while the women sit to talk.  Is it the same place Caroline spoke to Teresa?  No new places in Jersey?

Jac is either medicated, or fresh out of a Botox appointment.  Teresa blames Jac for her not talking to Joe for a year, and Jac is not having it. She is bold to the confessional camera, but a mouse in front of Teresa. She is medicated.  Over with the boys, they are working through their stuff and it is lame. Chris is a bore and Juicy is over it.

Teresa calls Jac evil and she has no reaction.  She is so high. Teresa is calling her out on all her crap and Jac cannot respond. Perhaps because her mouth is shot so tight she cannot speak.  We are left hanging until next week.  This show has glimmers of greatness in the darkness, but tonight it was a bore. Hopefully next week they’ll get back to keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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