*Typos are brought to you courtesy of Captain Morgan. Don't judge.
This week in hell starts at Melissa’s house, where she is talking to Antonia about her book. She fake cries and I am over it. She is full of crap and we all see it. Cut to Joe getting home from his confrontation with Teresa at the gym. This is obviously scripted, but whatever. Joe is telling Melissa about the fight, while Antonia is listening at the door. Shame on Bravo.
Melissa thinks Joe has seen the Teresa she sees, but Joe clarifies that Melissa needs to stop picking fights with Teresa on Twitter. Melissa tries to cause problems for Joe and Teresa, and Joe mans up and tells Melissa to stop. I love Joe Gorga at this moment. We have been waiting years for him to take Teresa’s side and see that Melissa is wedging them apart.
Cut to Teresa and Juicy at soccer practice with the kids. Teresa tells Juicy about the fight, and again, it is all scripted. Juicy says Joe has a Napoleon complex and I am laughing. Laughing because it is funny, and also because Juicy knows who Napoleon is. Teresa looks like a Muppet in her blue coat, Juicy is hilarious, and their kids are perfect television. I love them.
Sidebar: I will get emails asking me how it is that I can be on Teresa’s “side” and like Juicy when he is so horrible to her, and to those people I say grow up. This is a reality television show and we see what they want us to see. We don’t know these people, it is not reality, and I pick sides because even though it’s my job, I care more about keeping it real than keeping it nice.
Cut to Caroline, Jac, Rosie and Kathy going to some beauty party for a store that appears to be in direct competition to Lauren’s shop. Whatever. Jac is a plastic mess and she looks horrible. Caroline gets a call from Teresa and I want to say something I never thought I would say. Are you sitting down? I like Caroline. For the first time in years of this crapfest, I like her.
She is getting back to who she was, which is great. Now, it is all fake and a feeble attempt to help her sell books, but I like her and don’t care what her motives are, she is behaving properly. Teresa calls to tell her about the fight with Joe, and Caroline handles it appropriately. She then tells the cackling hens and I am right back to thinking she is a snake. Oh well.
Rosie says she feels bad about all the fighting in her family, but she is the one that flies off the handle all the time. Rosie used to be fun, now she is just angry, and angry is not cute. Over to Kathy, she is talking about her cannoli company. For the love of God. Who cares? Leave the gun and take the cannoli? No. Leave the cannoli and shoot yourself with the gun.
Rich and Kathy are talking about her company and he essentially calls her a moron. I feel bad for Kathy that she is humiliated by her husband in such a public way. I think she is inherently kid, in a marriage that is not satisfying her, and staying with a complete asshole because she is scared to go out on her own. Rich is a pig and we all know it, including Kathy, which is sad.
Caroline is at her Hoboken apartment with her kids. Why are we forced to watch these kids and listen to them talking crap? They are trying to justify their parent’s marriage and it is sad. Caroline and Albert don’t have a good marriage as far as I can tell. Christopher is an idiot, Albie is in the closet, Lauren is a moron, and there is nothing interesting about these kids.
Rosie and Joe are out for a drink and she says she has not had sex for six years. Really? Is that really something you want to share on national television? Now we know why she is on edge all the time. Joe is tormented, Rosie is doing the right thing, and I am pissed off that Bravo is giving us another dark season when we have hung on for so long. It is not fair.
Jac is working with Nicolas and it is heartbreaking. Why she would want to show this makes no sense to me. This precious little boy should be given the respect of privacy. This stupid bitch is using him for sympathy and attention and as a mother I find it heartbreaking and shameful. I am no longer going to write about Jac when she uses her son in this selfish way.
Al is with Caroline and clearly annoyed to be with her. Christopher and Albie are visiting Lauren at her store. Dear Lord. These kids are a mess and I resent having them shoved down my throat. This family has nothing to talk about with each other, so why do we have to watch them? It is awkward and almost creepy. Speaking of which, we flip back to Rich and Kathy.
Rich rents Kathy a kitchen and she is not happy. There is so much tension in their marriage that she cannot be happy. This marriage is falling apart and that is sad, as it always is when reality TV rips people apart. Over with Teresa, she is writing her blog, which nobody thinks she does, and she gets a call from Rosie, inviting her for a drink. Such bullshit. Poor Teresa.
Melissa and her hag, I mean sister, are with her mom and aunt, telling them that she is going to write about the fact that her dad was a cheater. So gross. The man is dead and that they are throwing him under the bus for a dollar is disgusting, We leave the skank and her family to go over to Rich and Kathy. Dear Lord, he is such a pig. I just can’t stand to watch them.
Rich is telling Kathy he is the reason she is building her business, and she says he does not value to opinion. To do this on camera, for her kids to see is sad. He makes jokes, she is crying, and I don’t care. Cut to Rosie and Tre having a drink. Teresa is calm, Rosie is drunk and belligerent. Again. This is embarrassing, not entertaining, and I am rolling my eyes that we watch.
In the end Rosie and Teresa find a calm place and we are reminded that Rosie is really wonderful, and Teresa is trying. We are pulling for them, which is weird because we should walk away and not care. No matter what side you are on, this show feels like family and we watch because we want peace. If only they could do what we do, which is keep it real.
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