July 23, 2012 | 6:33 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
We all continue to watch this show even though none of us can stand it. Why do we do it? We all have different reasons I suppose. For me it’s the large amount of alcohol I drink to get through the first five minutes. I also watch because I lost my remote when the season started.
We start with Teresa and Juicy in the car and she is talking about her Fabellini drinks. She says she does not like the Skinnygirl drinks because they taste “diety”. Please allow me to take the liberty of translating for Teresa. By “diety” of course she means they taste like ass.
She is talking about the plans for her global take over and she mispronounces her own name, which is hilarious. Juicy is a little shady and does not answer any of her direct questions with a direct answer, but who cares? Editing is starting trouble and I’m not biting.
Melissa and Joe are talking to Melissa’s “producer’ Corte. Again, I am happy to translate for you. “Producer” means auto tune operator. Melissa wants to get a record label. Melissa wants to hire a bunch of people and Joe wants to take care of it on their own. It’s pathetic.
Melissa is gushing because some guy at a label likes her music. She fails to mention he is probably deaf and must be a fame whore grabbing on to the final 2 of her 15 minutes. That said, while I think Melissa’s singing sucks, her family makes for good television.
By good television of course I mean her relationship with her husband and kids is entertaining. If you factor in sisters, mother, aunts, and cousins on her husbands side, you suck all the life out of the entertaining part and she becomes a waste of our time and energy.
Bitter Hag and Lapband are looking at shops to start their new business. We get a flashback to Danielle and I am here to say, BRING HER BACK. She was fun and if can keep her daughters out of the mess, I say come home Momma. Fire the hag and bring back the slut!
Teresa and Juicy are sampling drinks and Juicy is getting sloshed while Teresa is talking about ingrediences. This couple is hilarious. Teresa is embarrassed by his behavior and he is oblivious to the fact that he is drunk, sweaty, and a hot mess. It’s funny but also sad.
Melissa is getting her makeup done. She is pretty but her makeup is hideous. She looks like she is on RuPaul’s Drag Race. Joe is talking about how he owns her, and the crew is talking about sex in front of her kids. That thing about Melissa being good television? I take it back.
Caroline is spewing hate about how Juicy feels. Really? Caroline knows nothing about them and her saying Teresa is going to get divorced is crappy. Caroline is so bitter and angry that she is toxic and clearly the only people who can stand her are the ones she birthed herself.
Jac is out for a business lunch with Lapband and some people who sell make-up. Jac has a drinking problem. I’m guessing so does the editor of this scene. They show Jac drinking a cocktail, and then in the next scene she is ordering the cocktail. She is beyond inappropriate.
LapBand tells the people her shop is going to be like Sephora. Really? They are now talking about vaginas while getting sloshed, and using vulgar language while trying to sell themselves and LapBand’s business. It is completely embarrassing and Jac needs to get fired.
Rich and Kathy go to Teresa’s book signing and say it’s because they’re family. Translation: She can get more TV time if she shows up. Kathy’s outfit is mortifying. She then goes through the book and claims the recipes belong to her mother not Teresa’s.
Kathy is doing a sampling of her deserts in the parking lot of a bakery. The food looks divine but she’s been trying to sell them since she started and she is still in a parking lot? It makes no sense. Kathy is a hypocrite and Rosie and her mom are the only interesting ones.
LapBand is talking about how fat she is again, the Manzo boys are there with their boyfriend Greg, and Caroline talks to them because nobody else wants to talk to her. Teresa comes to support Kathy and immediately everyone starts to crap all over Teresa. Not cute.
Important to note that Teresa is no angel here. She slams Kathy’s event and it’s not nice. Once could argue she is being pushed to the limit with these people, and I think she is, but she is still not nice. Jac is horrific and I want to fast forward every time she appears on my screen.
Kathy is selling herself to some guy and takes him over the cemetery so they can talk quietly. My wine tastes better when watching this show. Kathy says it makes sense to be near the cemetery because her desserts are to doe for. My wine will change to tequila soon.
Teresa is talking to Jac and she is sweet. Jac is passive aggressive and totally insincere but stills act like a victim and then she fake cries. Her fake crying has no tears and makes her neck disappear. Jac needs an intervention and I hope they air it as part of the season.
Chris is having Juicy, Joe and Rich over for a pre Napa meeting. Seriously? Why are the men now getting entire scenes? This is not their show and we don’t care. Chris is a moron, Rich is an idiot, and Joe says only the things his wife writes out for him to say. It’s so stupid.
Chris is saying Juicy speaks about his finances and he is upset about it. Pot, meet kettle. Jac and Teresa are fighting because Teresa would not tell Jac about her finances and Jac was offended she would not share. Jac and Chris need to pick a side and unite on what is wanted here.
Chris is talking about the trip to Napa being important and his wanting peace. Everyone is talking in circles and then Juicy goes all out. He says it’s stupid Jac is upset because nothing happened. Chris wants us to think Jac is an angel, but Juicy is not having it.
Chris sounds like a bitter and whining hag. Maybe he is saying what Jac tells him like Joe does with Melissa. Juicy is not playing games. He really does not care about what these people think and he is the only one truly siding with his wife. I find him oddly attracting right now.
Caroline is bitching about something while we cut to Melissa who is playing with her kids in full make up and high heels. Melissa is so aware of the camera’s is disgusting. Joe invites Juicy and Teresa to ride in the RV with them then pulls the victim card. These men are chicks.
It is impossible to know what the truth is because nobody tells the truth on this show. From the crap we are fed, I’m thinking Juicy and Teresa are trying and the others are so busy being jealous that they can’t focus on what this show is supposed to be about. Enough with the men already.
The men are fighting, the women are bitching, I am drinking, and my boyfriend is questioning my sanity. By questioning of course I mean he is now hooked on this train wreck. I have led him to the dark side and he is now in it. My man watches RHNJ while I am keeping it real.
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