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Jewish Journal

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Love, Love, Love

by Ilana Angel

August 25, 2013 | 6:16 pm

Typos are generously sponsored by Grey Goose.

It is time to celebrate Melissa’s birthday with a spa trip for the whole gang to Arizona.  For the love of God.  As if all these people would go on this trip if it were not scripted and paid for by Bravo.  It is a big crock, but I am into it.  I love watching this group.  Maybe it is because they are family, maybe it is because they are not that bright, maybe it is because I am drinking.  No matter why we watch, we do, and it is fabulous.

Kathy has gone to visit Teresa so Tre can clarify that she proved herself to be innocent to Melissa about the rumors of her cheating.  Poor Kathy.  Bravo needs to write these useless little visits in order for her to get screen time. She brings nothing to the table and her husband gives me a lower back pain.  He is offensive and disgusting.  I know he will annoy me so I am pouring my first drink now.

Melissa and Joe are getting ready for the trip and Melissa says she wishes they were going alone.  Duh.  Joe is talking about Penny clearing the air for Teresa at the party last week and it is stupid.  Penny got her two minutes on camera, clarified nothing, and we need to move on.  I’m not sure why Teresa is so happy it all went down because as far as I can tell, nothing went down. Penny said nothing of value or interest in terms of the rumors.

Everyone is getting ready for Arizona. Rich is being a pig as Kathy clearly wishes he was not coming.  Caroline is talking about how nice it will be to get to know her husband in Arizona.  Really?  They are married 30 years but she needs to get to know him?  I wonder what his girlfriend thinks about the trip. Teresa is packing and her daughters are mortified by her bating suits, while Jacqueline uses every chance to milk her children for fame.

Jacqueline is talking about Teresa as that is all she ever talks about.  The group has split onto two flights with one group arriving on time, and the second group delayed for hours. Kathy, Rich, Rosie, Teresa, Juicy, Melissa, and Joe have arrived.  Melissa is getting sick, or so she wants us to believe. Jac, Chris, Caroline and Albert are delayed and not happy about it. Why they would not all go on the same flight is a mystery to me.

Upon arrival Rich is a pig.  He is farting, being loud, obnoxious, and reminding us all why we don’t find him appealing. The spa is gorgeous, Melissa is sick, Juicy is funny, Kathy is embarrassed by her husband.  The missing group arrives hours later, but finally there. Albert is not thrilled about time with wife and Rich is crawling on my last nerve just minutes in. We are half way through and I am on my second drink. God bless my liver.

It is time for dinner, the gang is together, a bat is flying around the room, and Albert is going to cook.  Jac has a wicked sunburn on her arms so the implication is that this is edited out of order. Bravo is famous for bad editing, but you’d think they would try a little harder.  It’s entertaining that we are all so much smarter than they are.  That said, we are watching this show so how smart are we really?  A physic medium has now arrived.

She is going to talk about the voices of the dead that communicate with her. Oy Vey.  The woman is pulling crap out of her ass and it is hilarious.  Anyone who watches this show would be a good physic for this group.  I am laughing at her. This is embarrassing.  Sidebar:  I’m liking Melissa with lighter hair and wonder if she got her boobs done again.  They appear to be new.  Cut to the physic, she is now talking to Rich’s dead dad and Rich is bawling.

She is now talking about Kathy and Rosie’s dad and nailing it.  I am freaking out a bit.  It makes me cry and while I am skeptical, I want  her to come and let me talk to my own dad.  Kathy and Rosie are reminiscing about their dad. It is sad and I feel bad because I think it is just a bunch of crap to ingratiate Kathy to us.  Touching, but not really working.  Talking smack about their dad is lame.  Meanwhile Melissa is sick and suffering in silence.

Melissa stays home while everyone else goes on a hike. Teresa is hilarious. She likes everything outdoorsy but can only name hiking and tanning as outdoorsy activities.  Too funny. Melissa is sick as a dog, and has never experienced such pain, but she is tanning and drinking.  Bless her.  The group is doing a cleansing ceremony and Albert says he is not into it, does not believe in it, and will not participate.  Caroline defends him. Stupid.

Caroline is releasing worry.  Joe is releasing anger and hate. Kathy does not understand the exercise.  Jac cries because she realizes after her surgery she still does not have a neck. Teresa calls up Joe, Kathy and Jacqueline, then invites Richie, Caroline and Chris to come up too.  She holds hands and tells everyone she is in a good place and wants to move forward with peace and love.  It is cute.  Yes, I think Teresa is cute.

Teresa and Jac head out for an alone moment and Jac cries.  Such crap.  I don’t like her or trust her. Teresa says she wants to get along with her and she does not want to cause issues with karma. She is worried karma will skip her and come back to her kids.  Jacqueline thinks it is a dig at her and Nicolas.  Dear Lord.  Teresa Is not bright enough to make a dig that deep and Jac is paranoid because he knows she puts fame before her kids.

Next week will be more healing and Jac talking about nothing but Teresa. Albert will cry, Caroline will get to know him better, Melissa will struggle to get well, and I will be drinking.  Even when these people are bad, they are still fun to blog about.  I think it is time for them to wrap up and call it a day, but I am in for the season and digging it.  On behalf of my liver and Grey Goose, thanks for reading. We will be back next week to keep it real.

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